I know I didn't like the thought of her with someone else.
But past that, I didn't know what I really felt.
I never figured out the answer before we left for the evening, making vague promises with Reed and Josie to do another double date at some point.
It wasn't until we walked into my house and she pulled me into my bedroom that I started settling down. Despite being turned on beyond measure when she dropped to her knees in front of me, I felt settled.
When she took me in her mouth, I felt a wave of security.
And now as I'm getting ready to connect my body to hers in the most intimate of ways, I feel in control.
For the first time tonight, I feel like all is right in my world.
I press the head of my cock to her opening, sliding an elbow under the back of one of her knees. I raise her up, spread her wide, and while she watches me with hooded eyes, I slide deep inside of her.
I get just a glimpse of the white of Gracen's eyes as they roll backward before being shuttered by her eyelids. She moans and digs her fingers into my biceps, where she'd been resting them lightly before I invaded her.
My responding grunt of pleasure sounds harsh and coarse to my ears, yet it's the exact sound I'd expect from something that feels this good.
I release Gracen's leg and she hooks it around me. Dropping to my elbows, I let some of my body weight come down on her. Let my stomach press against hers and feel the softness of her breasts under the fierce beating of my heart. I press my lips to her mouth, and when I pull back, her eyes flutter open to stare at me.
I think perhaps I could look into the blue of her eyes forever, or maybe I'll just kiss her for an eternity, but all of those thoughts vanish into cold nothingness when she whispers to me, "I love you, Marek. Always have."
Somehow, her hands have moved to my shoulders and her fingertips glide over my skin. I concentrate on that feeling, letting my vision go fuzzy so I don't have to look at directly into her eyes anymore. I don't want to know if my lack of reaction hurts her or not.
I swallow past the dryness in my throat, rack my brain for what to say. A quick response of the same declaration seems so trite, particularly because that's not what I was feeling in my heart when she said those words to me. Admitting something along the lines of, "I care for you, too," seems really to be saying, "I don't love you," and I'm not sure that's true either. My feelings are actually too complex to be boiled down into words, particularly because my feelings for Gracen are now intertwined with my feelings for Lilly.
More important, I can't seem to muster up a response for her because I find myself questioning whether she truly means that. I'm not sure I can trust her words, and that makes me feel like shit that I feel that way. But when it gets down to it, all I can think about is that Gracen kept Lilly secret for over three years, a betrayal that apparently still weighs heavy on my heart.
Whether Gracen senses my struggle or the awkward silence is too much to bear, she does something that roots me once again in a reality I can handle.
She contracts her pussy so it squeezes my cock in such a way that my balls start to tingle. At the same time, she lifts her head and scrapes her teeth on my jawline before murmuring, "Are you going to fuck me or what?"
My dick responds by swelling even more, a ripple of pleasure flowing through me from her words and the tight contraction of wet flesh around me.
I groan again, dropping my forehead so it rests against her. I let a huff of frustration escape through my teeth that I can't give her the words that she probably wants in return, but I can make her feel good.
That I know I can do.
Pushing up off her, I plant my hands into the mattress and lock my arms tight. My muscles flex and bunch, not in some vain attempt to impress her, but to hold myself steady while I start to fuck her.
My hips pump and my cock fills her up. Her body bounces and jerks from my fucking, breasts jiggling beautifully with pebbled nipples. So damn sexy that it's hard for me to look at without wanting to blow my load all over them.
I shut my eyes, concentrate on the moans and gasps I'm wringing from Gracen, who is getting exactly what she asked for. Her chest starts heaving ,and when I hear tiny little whimpers of need, I know she's close to coming. That's her tell, and I pick up the pace wanting to punch an explosive one out of her.
"Yes," she gasps as her legs tighten around me and her fingers dig into my chest.
I slam into her hard. "Fuck, this is good."
My balls start to contract, my lower back tightens, and I experience one microsecond of pure nothingness before I start to come. Then I'm taken by storm with a bone-jarring orgasm that seems to rip me apart. As my cock unloads, I bark out unintelligible words that might be gratitude, and I'm vaguely aware of Gracen still whimpering.
Fuck...she didn't come.
I grit my teeth, my sensitive cock still pulsing, and keep fucking the woman who loves me. I bring my fingers to her clit, press down on it while I continue driving into her, and plant deep when I feel her break apart. It's always the same, a slight stiffening of her body before she arches her back in ecstasy, a long blissful moan filling the air around me. Her pussy grips me so hard as she comes I see stars and possibly experience a miniorgasm as another shudder of pleasure courses through me.
"Goddamn," I mutter through gritted teeth, feeling all at once dizzy and weak.
I drop down onto her, using my elbows on the mattress not to crush her completely. Gracen turns her head to the side and I press my face into her neck.
We just lie there, both of us panting from the exertion.
From the cataclysmic orgasms.
From the jarring words that were uttered and those that were not.
Neither one of us say anything, and I use the silence as permission to go to sleep. I roll to my side, taking Gracen with me. She hooks a leg over mine, wraps her arm around my waist, and snuggles into me. I hold her tight, wanting to say something and yet wanting to ignore conversation with her forever.
What we just experienced--fucking or making love or whatever--was some next-level shit. It means something that what we just had felt better than anything I've ever experienced in my life. Yet I still have that tiny doubt inside that maybe this is just physical and that's all it will ever be.
For now, though, I'm given a reprieve. After a few minutes, Gracen's breathing evens out and she falls into a deep sleep.
It takes me a lot longer to do the same.
Chapter 24
Gracen
I unlock the front door of Marek's house and carry the grocery bags in while Lilly trails behind me. The beeping alarm panel reminds me to punch in the disarm code, then I'm shutting the door.
Today was the start of three consecutive days I have off, and I intend to enjoy every bit of it with Lilly. I took her to the Marbles museum in downtown Raleigh this morning, then we went clothes shopping. It's amazing and hilarious that my almost four-year-old child has fashion sense. She's very particular about her look too. I take it as a very real sign she's growing up way too fast that she's shunning jeans and casual clothes for frilly dresses, lacy socks, and shiny black patent leather shoes. Lilly is tall for her age and is growing like a weed. It seems like a
ll I do is buy new clothes for her, and I was surprised to find out today that my almost four-year-old is wearing six-year-old sizes.
Lilly gives a tiny yawn as we walk into the kitchen. I put down the paper bags filled with ingredients for tonight's dinner--white chicken chili--and turn to ruffle Lilly's hair. "Want to take a nap?"
She shakes her head. She's well past her nap time, but I thought I'd offer because of that yawn. Lilly is still taking a nap at school, but she's almost impossible to get down here at the house, and I've practically given up. I figure she'll sleep if she's tired.
My phone rings from inside my purse, which is still slung over my shoulder. I drop it to the counter and fish out my phone. Taking one look at the screen showing an incoming video chat, I hold it outward to Lilly and grin. "It's Mimi and G-Pa."
Gone is any trace of fatigue as her blue eyes--so much like Marek's--brighten. She snags the phone from me and taps on the green button to answer the call.
I step around behind her, bending over her shoulder to peer at the screen. My mom and dad's faces pop up as they sit close together on their living room couch. Behind them is a cream crocheted blanket my mom made, and a piercing pain of homesickness hits me right in the gut.
"Hey, Lilly Bug," my father says, his teeth gleaming as he smiles broadly at this granddaughter.
"G-Pa," Lilly exclaims in response. "Guess what Mommy and I did this morning?"
"What's that?" he asks.
"We went to a museum and then we went shopping, and I got some new dresses, and I can't wait for Daddy to come home so I can show him..."
I straighten up and walk around the counter, intent to put the groceries away while Lilly talks to my parents. I find it fascinating how much Lilly has become attached to Marek in the last four weeks since he's been interacting with her. The fact that she mentioned him to her grandparents while talking about her day, which did not include him, speaks volumes.
"Where's Daddy at now?" I can hear my mom's voice from the phone.
"Playing hockey," Lilly says proudly. He's actually on an extended road trip to the West Coast and is due back day after tomorrow.
Ever since Joan and Gale brought her to watch Marek play on Sunday, that's all Lilly talks about. I didn't realize what a thrill it would be to see her father out on the ice. He'd shown her hockey on TV, but she didn't quite understand it until she saw it live, and now all she wants to do is go watch another game.