Marek
Once I hear my front door close signifying that Reed and his meddling ways are out of my house, I turn my gaze to Gracen. I'm pissed Reed felt the need to come here and act like my dad or something, and my natural instinct is to turn that anger toward Gracen. Let's face it...she's an easy target. Maybe that makes me an asshole--whatever.
But annoyingly, the words Reed just laid on me out on my front porch ring hard in my ears.
"I hope you're not here to act as my conscience," I'd told him as we stepped out of the house and Josie walked right in to meet Gracen.
"It's exactly why I'm here," Reed said calmly. "You need let that anger go, brother."
"It's a little hard," I growl as I lean toward him slightly. "You know, given the fact she hid my kid from me for over three fucking years."
"Well, figure it out," he retorted, and spared me no further sympathy. "It's done. Figure a way to accept it, because Lilly's the one that's going to get hurt."
I jerked back from him as if he'd punched me. "I'd never hurt her."
"If you hurt her mom, you hurt her," Reed said in a quiet voice that made me feel about an inch tall.
I shook my head in denial. "I would never let her see how I feel about her mom."
"You already have," Reed said, and I hated him for a split second for being so right. "The way you've treated Gracen--bullying her, ignoring her. It speaks volumes, and kids are perceptive. And since we're talking about it, how do you feel about Gracen? Because that was a bold move bringing them both down here and installing them in your house."
My spine stiffens at the implication. "It was the only way I could see Lilly."
"Yeah, not true," Reed counters with a blase smirk. "You could have left them there and worked out visitation. You could have put them up in another house. In fact, that's probably the better idea, given how you can't seem to stand to be around Gracen."
Christ, I hated that he was right and also wrong. I wish he was just right, because him being wrong would mean that I'd have to admit that Gracen had never fully left my heart. The last four years she's been in my thoughts.
Not necessarily in a consuming way.
But it was often, and there were always regrets over how I'd broken her heart.
Maybe that's why I'm so pissed at her, because it alleviates my guilt for abandoning her.
And the one thing she keeps throwing back at me that makes my guilt intensify is that I did indeed tell her that I didn't want the responsibility. I wanted to go off to my new career as a professional hockey player and I wanted the freedom. I didn't want to worry about her. I didn't want to have the commitment. I didn't want love weighing me down. I was honest with her because I felt she deserved to know the truth. In addition to being my girlfriend of five years, my lover for almost as many, she was my very best friend. I could tell her anything, and always told her the truth. I had no fucking idea she'd take that so much to heart that she would possibly think I wouldn't be there for her through a pregnancy. It's like she didn't know me at all.
Fuck, this is a mess of epic proportions.
I got Reed off my back by assuring him that I'd talked to Gracen last night and that I was going to focus everything on Lilly and getting to know her. That seemed to mollify him somewhat, but I know he's still skeptical.
That's all right; I'm still a little pissed at him for butting into my business and for his opinions actually being right. So things were strained between us when he and Josie left.
Gracen takes a sip of her coffee, and I know it's to avoid looking at me. I hold my gaze on her, and when she finally gives me her eyes, I nod toward Lilly.
I don't miss the look of slight panic on Gracen's face, and for a moment, I think she might mean to balk because she doesn't think I'm good for Lilly. But then she gives me a smile--I'd call it brave, perhaps--and walks across the kitchen toward me.
When she comes toe to toe with me, she angles her body and leans in to whisper, "I have to admit, I have no clue what to say to her. I know how mad you are for the deception, and honestly, I'm terrified to get that from Lilly."
For one brief and glorious moment, I let the wall of anger down and I let myself have some compassion for Gracen. No matter how furious I am with her and how badly I think of her at times, I don't ever want Lilly to think badly of her mother. That just won't do, because as much as I want a relationship with my daughter, I don't ever want to take away or diminish the love she has for Gracen.
I talk without even thinking it through. "Tell her that I've been away and haven't been able to see her yet. Or something like that."
Gracen's eyes widen at my unexpectedly generous offer to pull all the blame off her shoulders, and part of me wants to take it back. But Gracen doesn't even give my offer any credence. She shakes her head almost violently and glares at me. "I won't lie to her. This is on me and I'll bear it. I'm just...I just want to say the right words to her."
"What are the right words, Gracie?" I ask softly, stunned that without thought I lapse into using my nickname for her. I was the only one who ever called her Gracie.
"I don't know," she murmurs. "She's just never asked about who her father is. She's always seemed to be cool with having a mommy and two grandparents that dote on her. I'm not even sure she understands the traditional notion of a family, having a mommy and a daddy."
"You're kidding," I say in astonishment.
Gracen shrugs. "I live with Mom and Dad. They watch her while I'm at work. She doesn't have a lot of exposure to other children. Just my sister, Beverly, and her two kids, when they come to town to visit. But Bev has been divorced since before Lilly was born, so she's not really seen a daddy figure in her cousins' lives either."
I guess I can see that. I mean, at her age, what does she really understand if she doesn't have experience with it? A thought strikes me. "Does she even know what a father is?"
Gracen nods. "I think so. I mean...she gets that her grandpa is my dad. But she's just never asked about it. And well...with Owen--"
"Fuck," I curse under my breath, and turn away from her. The surge of anger rises once again and I'm pissed at her...once again. She was going to let another man raise my daughter.
"I'm sorry," she murmurs.
"Sorry doesn't fucking cut it," I snap at her, struggling to keep my voice low when I really want to yell at her at the top of my lungs.
Gracen sighs, but then straightens her spine as she looks back to me. "I need you to wipe that scary-as-hell look off your face if you're going to sit down beside me while
we tell her this. I don't want her to be afraid of you."
And just like that, my anger dissipates as I realize just how important this is that Lilly has a good impression of me. Reed was so fucking right. I can't let my negative feelings for Gracen be evident around Lilly. It would be a fucking travesty to confuse the hell out of her in that way. I can't do that to her because things are going to be confusing enough.
Gracen seems to be satisfied by whatever expression she sees on my face now. I've got the anger under control, but now my stomach is churning with anxiety, so I'm betting she's getting that loud and clear from me. I can see the same on her face.
She turns away from me to pick up the remote control and she aims it at the TV to turn it off.
"Hey," Lilly whines as her glazed eyes focus on her mom. "I was watching Paw Patrol."
"You can watch it later." Gracen's voice is firm and no nonsense, yet soft and tender at the same time. It's impressive, actually, and must be a mom thing.
The one thing I've learned in what little I've been able to observe about the dynamics of their relationship is that Lilly is a really good kid. Sure she has a meltdown here and there, but she's so damn easy to redirect. Gracen is a pro at focusing her on something else other than her toddler tantrum in progress, and within minutes, she has Lilly giggling over something else.
"Okay, Mommy," Lilly says in agreement, her voice honey sweet, and even though I don't know this child at all, it speaks to my heart in some weird, primal way.
"Come in the living room, baby," Gracen says as she motions with her hand. "Marek and I want to talk to you."
Lilly jumps off the chair where she's been sitting, her enthusiasm for life in general evident in the way she moves. My feet feel like they're filled with lead as I follow her into the living room. Gracen sits down in an armchair by the window that overlooks the backyard. Lilly doesn't need an invitation as she climbs up onto her mom's lap. I sit down on the couch on the opposite side of the living area, using the large padded ottoman between us as a buffer of sorts. I don't want to appear intimidating to Lilly.
When Lilly settles into Gracen's lap, wiggling her little butt to do so, she shoots me a shy look. I try for a reassuring smile, but it feels weird on my face. Lilly immediately looks to her mom, so I'm afraid it may have come off Joker-ish.