"I am," I say automatically, and it's an absolute lie. It comes out involuntarily because I'm used to projecting to the world that I'm okay, even when I'm not.
He nods in understanding and gives me a small smile. "Good. That's good."
Again, we stare at each other, both submerged in awkward silence that feels as thick as mud.
"Well, I'm going to get out of your hair," he says hesitantly, but then adds, "unless you need anything."
I can only shake my head, my throat completely constricted in fear that he's getting ready to walk out my door again. This time on a polite note, which somehow seems worse because apathy is ten times the devil that anger is.
"Okay," he says softly, then turns toward the door. I want to call him back, but my body won't move and I'm not sure even a squeak of distress could escape.
Luc's hand grabs the door knob and I scream inside of my head for him not to go. I'm pathetically weak that I can't voice my needs to him, but Lucas already told me that's what I was.
He was so fucking right.
Tears well up in my eyes, and just as the door starts to open and my heart starts to splinter down the middle so painfully it obliterates the pain in my wrist and head, Luc growls and spins on me. His face is mottled with anger and his eyes are blazing as he snarls, "Fuck this shit. I'm not leaving. And we're figuring our crap out right now. No, we're fixing this crap right now. It's time to put up or shut up, Stephy."
I just blink at him in astonishment, even as my entire body almost sags in relief that he didn't walk out that door.
In two strides, he's standing in front of me with a fierce glare of determination.
"Cat got your tongue?" he says tauntingly, but it's not menacing. It's almost as if he's daring me to tell him to shut up, but he knows I won't. "Okay, I'll start first. Here's my put up or shut up. I'm in fucking so much love with you I can't sleep at night. Half the time I don't think I can breathe because I miss you so much. I don't want to be friends with you, and I don't want a casual fuck. I want you to let me love you. I want you to love me back equally. I want to go out and get a ring and put it on your finger with superglue so it doesn't fucking come off ever. I want to put you into bed right now and curl myself around you until you recover from the accident. I want to talk with you into the wee hours of the morning for the rest of our lives because we have too much to say to each other to ever want to sleep. And, Stephy, I swear to fucking God...if you just tell me that you'll try to give me those things even if ultimately you can't, I'll be happy with just that. My world will be made if you can just give me that much of you."
Luc's words are so dynamic, so impactful, they completely destroy me and then build me up like I'm fortified with steel. For the first time in my entire life, I feel empowered. I feel worthy.
I feel loved unconditionally.
"Oh God," I practically moan as I lurch up from the armrest of the couch. I stumble toward Luc and whimper. "Oh God...just...Oh God."
Luc's face pales with fear and his arms come out hesitantly as I fall into them. "Stephy?"
"Oh God," I say again, this time with complete self-loathing, and I know he hears it in my voice because his arms tighten securely around me. "What in the hell have I done?"
"Stephy," he says, this time in admonishment.
I shake my head furiously. "You are the most amazing person in the entire world, and I was the fucking dumbass who was too stuck in my own stupid thoughts not to latch on to that."
"They weren't stupid--" he begins, rushing to my defense, but I roll over him, pulling out of his arms.
"So fucking stupid," I castigate myself as I wave my hands around like a lunatic. I look at him despondently and ask, "How could you want someone so stupid?"
I can tell when Luc's had enough of my pity party, because his lips curve upward in a smirk. "You're really going there, Steph?"
"I'm trying to bring home the full magnitude of my own absurdity," I tell him with a glare.
"Stephanie," he says softly, opening his arms back up to invite me into their safety.
But I haven't earned that right yet.
"I love you, Luc," I tell him truthfully. The most truthful words I've ever spoken in my life. "I just...I love you more than anything, and I can't believe I was so afraid to admit that. I'm just so sorry if it made you feel bad about yourself that I couldn't admit it. You're the last person in the world I'd want to hurt."
"You didn't--"
"I did," I reaffirm, and that beautiful, sweet, loving, and understanding man lets me shoulder the responsibility of this because he knows I need to. He merely nods to give me that.
Stepping up to him, I put my good hand to his cheek and warmth flows through me as he leans into it.
"I love you," I tell him again, and it sounds even better this time. "And I'm not afraid to love you. I'm not afraid what that means. I'm not even the tiniest bit worried that I'll get hurt by you. It's all so clear now..."
My words drift away, along with my gaze, which slides off to the side for a moment as I consider just how very close I came to losing the best of what life has to give me. When I look back to Luc, I admit, "Actually...it was clear from the get-go. I just refused to give myself credit that I deserved it."
"But you do," he tells me.
"Oh, I know I do," I say with a smile. "Just as you deserve to be happy, and Luc...I'm just so grateful it's me who does it for you."
"You so do it for me," he murmurs as he leans down to brush his lips over mine.
My hand curls around his neck and I press my mouth to his. We don't kiss, we just stand there with our lips open and touching, breathing into each other.
Luc murmurs into my mouth, "Say it again."
"I love you."
He pulls back and frames my face with his hands. "Let's see if I can freak you out some more."
I give myself over to him with absolute trust. "Bring it."
"Will you marry me?" he asks without hesitation, and he does so because I see a reciprocal trust in his gaze.
"Yes," I return without hesitation, and I'm absolutely charmed for life as his eyes fill with so much happiness I'll never forget this moment as long as I live.
"Really?" he asks. I know he's having a hard time believing that I'm just taking the l
eap so easily.
"You'll catch me," I tell him.
"Pardon?"
"I'm jumping off knowing you'll catch me," I explain. "I just know it."
"That's right," he promises me. "I will never let you fall."
Luc bends down and kisses me properly this time. A welcome-home sort of kiss, and oh my...this man is my home. No doubt about it.
The kiss melts away and then I'm in Luc's embrace, my head pressed into his neck as we squeeze each other in further silent affirmation.
Suddenly, I jolt with the realization of something important he needs to know. I pull away from him and beam a megawatt smile his way. "Guess what?"
"What?" he asks, thoroughly amused by me.
"I've got a baby bump," I say proudly, then I lift my pajama top so he can see.
"Oh wow," he murmurs, placing his hand on the very slight but totally noticeable swelling there. "Just...wow."
"Cool, huh?" I ask as I watch his hand just lying gently on me.
"Totally horny right now," he says as his eyes come to mine and we grin at each other for a brief moment as we share the inside joke between us. "But seriously...it's amazing. You're amazing."
"I feel like a new person, Luc," I say softly. "It's so fucking weird...but you told me it was time to put up or shut up."
"I feel like a new person too, Steph," he says, and I get another sweet, light kiss that speaks of newfound happiness that will grow each day.
"What do we do now?" I ask him, eager to get started on this new life with a man I've been insanely in love with for a long time but was too afraid to admit it until now.
"I have an idea," he says slyly. "Let's go pick out an engagement ring."
"Right now?" I ask dubiously.
"Chicken?" he taunts.
"Let me just get dressed," I tell him sharply as I turn to the bedroom to get some clothes on so I can go get engaged. "It will make a good story for your teammates when you fly back tonight."
His laugh follows me back to the bedroom and I smile to myself how lucky I am.
Epilogue
Van
The knock on the hotel door rouses me from my blissfully blank stare out the window to the parking lot five stories below. I've only been here about half an hour, the team bus dropping us off after our victory over the Wildcats tonight to take game three of the conference finals.