The buzzer goes off, indicating the end of the first period, and Jules stares at me just a moment more before she stands up. "I'm going to go get something to eat. Coming?"
I shake my head, feeling slightly morose. "I'm good."
"Okay," she says with a soft smile, and makes her way out of the front row. I look out to the ice and see the last of the players skating off, but I can't see Lucas. I wonder if he looked over this way and saw Jules and me talking. I wonder if he even knows the depths of my confusion over everything.
I suspect he does because he handles me with so much patience and grace.
"That was an intense period, huh?" I hear as Lucas's dad plops down beside me. I look past his shoulder and see that Marilyn, Simone, and Jules have all left.
The score is zero to zero and the Florida Spartans are scrapping for their lives because a loss will end their play-off run. It's been a brutal game, with both teams giving more than their all to try to score.
"Sure is," I say with a glance up at the scoreboard before I look back to him.
It's clear his boys got his height and brawn in addition to his hair color. For such a big man, Laurence's French Canadian accent is lilting, although his voice is baritone deep. While we talked today at lunch--I found him to be an easy, laid-back guy--we didn't say more than a handful of words directly to each other. I learned very quickly that the Fournier family is a noisy, boisterous group that loves to tell stories, joke, and tease each other. They're also a visibly affectionate family, which is both fascinating and awkward for me to watch.
This afternoon I was practically swooning as Lucas came up behind Simone as she was telling Jules a story about some party at college. He just put his hands on her shoulders and squeezed once while he listened to his sister. She brought one hand up to lay on top of one of his hands, and I marveled at such easy affection between them.
I tried to imagine maybe my father doing that to me, and I actually got the willies as a shiver ran up my spine. That would be totally awkward and completely unwelcome.
But what about Lucas?
What would I do if he did that to me?
Without a doubt, I'd lean back into him, seeking closer contact.
God, I'm so fucked in the head.
"We really didn't get a chance to talk," Laurence continues with a hesitant smile. "As you may have noticed, I'm the quiet one in this family."
Chuckling, I nod my head. "Yeah, I noticed that."
Marilyn and her children are full of energy and spirit. They're constantly moving and talking and joking. Laurence is like the quiet, wise owl who just observes and enjoys.
"Well, since I'm the doctor in the family, I'm going to ask what Marilyn was too polite to," he says with a kindly smile. "How are you feeling? Is the pregnancy going okay?"
This is sweet and it's a professional question, so I don't hesitate in answering. "It's going well. The worst has been the morning sickness, and I had a little bit of spotting once, but that hasn't happened again."
"How's your energy?" he asks.
"I'm tired for sure," I tell him with a sigh. "Sometimes it feels like the baby is sucking the life force out of me."
Laurence chuckles and nods. "Marilyn was like that. You see how much energy my brood has. I think they were definitely sucking her life force as they were growing."
I laugh at the image and figure that perhaps the baby is already showing signs of his Fournier DNA.
"This has nothing at all to do with the fact I'm a doctor, and is one hundred percent me being a father," he says, and I tense up. The fact he had to qualify his next words put me on edge, but I try to maintain a polite, open look on my face. "Marilyn would normally be the one to say these things to you, but I also know that Lucas gave her strict instructions not to put any pressure on you. But my boy didn't put those restrictions on me, probably because he never in a million years thought I'd do this."
My anxiety skyrockets and I dig my fingers down into the armrest of my chair while my eyes stay locked on his.
He moves his hand and pats mine kindly. "I know you're scared, Stephanie, and we have all the empathy in the world for you. But my son is crazy about you. I don't know if he's admitted it or not, but I can tell just by the way he looks at you and the way he talks about you that you mean more to him that just friends."
There's a rolling sensation in my stomach and I feel dizzy over these truths I'd long suspected.
"My son...hell, all my kids...with them it's all or nothing," Laurence explains.
I don't say anything and I can't break away from his soft, knowing gaze.
"Lucas," he says pointedly, "is an all-or-nothing type of guy. I know what you two have going on is working for you right now, but Lucas has dreams. And he's not the type to be satisfied with anything less than full realization of a dream."
"All or nothing," I whisper, understanding the words he originally said.
Laurence nods and pats my hand again. "Like I said, it's clearly working right now what you have going on, but eventually he's going to want more. If you don't give it your all, he's going to get hurt."
"You have to know I don't want to hurt him," I say, feeling obligated to defend myself. "I do care for him a great deal."
Lucas's dad nods. "I know that, and today I saw that as clearly as I saw how Lucas cares for you. I'm just saying that may not be enough one day."
"I'm not sure what my capabilities are," I tell him truthfully, and the words leave a bitter taste in my mouth. Still, I tell him an embarrassing truth I'd never admit to a stranger, but this is Lucas we're talking about, and I know I don't want to lose him. "I'm...I've got...I don't think I'm worthy of someone as great as Lucas, and as such, I think I tend to sabotage myself."
"I can understand that," he says wisely.
"I want to be what he needs," I tell him. I so want that, but I don't know how.
"I'm not saying you have to give him something you're not capable of," Laurence clarifies with a pointed look. "I'm just saying that what you do have, you have to give fully. If you want something with him, you have to put down all your defenses and just try with all your might to make it work. As long as you do that, any failure would be understandable. It would still hurt, but at least Lucas would understand."
Blowing out a deep breath, I look out to the ice and mutter, "Didn't expect to have that deep of a conversation with you."
Laurence laughs and leans back in the chair. "Don't worry. My entire family underestimates my ability to meddle in my kids' lives. But I'm cool with keeping this secret if you are."
Chuckling, I twist my neck to look at him again. "I'll keep your secret so you can maintain your rep with the family."
"You're a sweet girl, Stephanie," Laurence says gently. "I think Lucas stumbled on to someone really great when he met you."
This surprises me after the very nice but clear warning he just gave me to try not to hurt his son. He sees my surprise and addresses it. "Stephanie, just because I think you have the potential to hurt my son doesn't mean I don't like you. And just because you have the potential to hurt my son doesn't mean you're not good for him."
"Will you say that if I do indeed hurt him?" I say in a low, ashamed voice.
Laurence again surprises me when he nods. "Yes, I'll still say that. As long as you give it your all so there are no regrets."
"You realize you're taking pressure off me," I say in a somewhat dry voice.
"You're pregnant with my grandchild," he says with an acknowledging tilt to my head. "I don't want you to be under stress."
We stare at each other a moment, and then in a rare act of spontaneous affection, I take Laurence's hand and give it a grateful squeeze. "Thank you for sharing that with me. Your family is amazing and I'm lucky to know you."
Laurence squeezes my hand back and then pushes his long frame out of the chair. He looks down at me with a smile. "Just so you know, we've all been on our best behavior around you. You really haven't seen our 'crazy' yet."
I giggle, shaking my head. He gives me a wink and then starts making his way out of the row.
Turning back, I look out over the ice and contemplate my relationship with Lucas and how I can achieve the impossible.
Opening myself up to love.
Chapter 21
Lucas
Stephanie opens her apartment door and I give her a quick, hard kiss as I drop my overnight bag on the floor. When I pull away, I clap my hands and rub them together. "Just dropped my parents at the airport, left behind a squabbling Simone and Van to kill each other, and you and I have four days together where the only obligation I have is practice for a few hours each day. I'm so fucking excited I don't know what to do first."
She smiles at me and digs her fingers into the waistband of my jeans. Her voice is husky as she looks up at me. "I'm pretty sure we'll be able to entertain ourselves."