"What should we talk about then?" she quips.
"Let's talk about how bad your daughter is," I return evilly, knowing the best way to get heat off me is to throw it onto Simone, and I don't feel guilty in the slightest.
Mom grimaces and groans, "That girl. I don't know what I'm going to do with her."
"Well, you can't kill her," I tell her seriously. "Max, Malik, and I won't let that happen."
"Oh hush," she chastises with a light slap to my stomach. I do a pretend "ooph" like it hurt. "Your father and I aren't going to kill her, but we are going to make her pay. Oh, how we're going to make her pay."
"She'll be in debt to you forever," I say with a laugh.
"Yup," she agrees. "Unless she goes back to finish her degree."
"I think she will."
My mom comes to a halt and turns to me with hopeful eyes. "Has she told you that?"
I shake my head. "But Simone is a bright girl. Smartest out of all your kids, truthfully. She's just flexing her muscles a little bit and figuring out her life. Maybe even rebelling a little. But I'd lay money on the fact she'll go back at some point."
"God, I hope so," my mom says wistfully. "We don't care if she doesn't want to go to medical school, but she's so close to that bachelor's degree. It would be such a waste."
"Agreed, and Simone knows that too," I assure her. "My advice is to let it play out and don't pressure her. She'll figure it all out eventually."
"I'm not sure what to make out of this mature, wiser Lucas Fournier," my mom teases as we walk up the staircase to the back deck. "You're just so damn self-assured about everything that I'm feeling useless."
"Never," I say with a laugh. "Just wait until I'm up to my elbows in baby shit and puke. I'll be in full-blown panic mode."
"I cannot wait to see that," my mom says with a laugh as we hit the top of the deck.
I smile but don't say anything. I can't wait to see it either.
Chapter 20
Stephanie
"Come on, ref," Simone yells at the top of her lungs as she bangs her fists on the glass. "Open your eyes, you moron. That was hooking."
I snicker along with Jules, who's sitting beside me as the Cold Fury whiz down the ice on a power play. My eyes focus across the ice to the players' bench and I take a peek at Lucas. He just came off his shift and is sitting forward with one hand on the board, watching the game intently.
It's such a thrill watching him play. Knowing that this gorgeous, smart, and caring guy who happens to be an accomplished professional hockey player wants me. It's even hotter how much he wants this baby growing in my belly.
I turn my head and look down the row. Next to me is Jules, then Simone's seat, followed by her mom and dad. We all rode here together to watch game five against Florida, after we spent a nice time talking over hamburgers and hot dogs Max grilled. The kids are being watched by the neighbor and were sorely disappointed they couldn't come. Max promised them tickets for the next home game, though, and they were semisatisfied.
The dinner was low pressure, and Luc's parents are very sweet and totally over the moon about the baby. I know his mother was reining in her enthusiasm, because several times she'd start to gush about baby clothes, or a book on how to breast feed, but one look from Lucas and she shut it down. She's just bursting apart ready to be a grandma, and while I find it sweet, it's also completely foreign.
In a fascinating way, that is.
There is no doubt I want Lucas and his family to have a relationship with this child, but I'll have to admit, it's hard sharing this experience because I'm so used to doing everything on my own. Still, his entire family is as easy to like as Luc is, and while I might have difficulty sharing, I'm going to try, because Luc has shown me I can let people close to me without being disappointed.
Plus, he's almost convinced me that I'm actually likable. That I'm worthy.
That's saying a lot coming from me, as I've been made to feel unworthy pretty much my entire life, and if that doesn't fuck with someone's sense of value, I don't know what will.
"Simone, sit down for God's sake," Marilyn says in exasperation as she tugs at the bottom of Simone's jersey. She's wearing Lucas's jersey tonight, as am I. Jules is obviously wearing Max's jersey, and her parents split their loyalties between the kids. Marilyn's wearing Max's and Laurence has on Lucas's.
Simone turns to her mom in a huff and complains, "Those refs are making some bad calls."
Her mom laughs. "And what do you want me to do about it?"
"Get up here and yell with me," Simone demands, and to my surprise--and delight--Marilyn pops out of her seat and starts banging on the glass next to Simone. There's only less than a minute left in the first period, but that doesn't curb their enthusiasm.
"She's great, isn't she?" Jules says with a nudge of her shoulder against mine.
I move my gaze from the glass to Jules. "Yeah...really nice and down to earth."
"It took awhile for me to get used to how close they all were," she continues. "I never had that growing up. Mom died when I was young, and Dad was a long-distance truck driver who was never around. My older sister took care of me, but she died too. It was hard learning how to accept people worrying about you."
Her words are pointed, and I know directed solely at me, not a reflection of her life. And while I appreciate what she's trying to do, I don't forget that we are still apples and oranges. Lucas filled me in on Jules and how she met Max, and while her life was missing parental guidance like mine, she had something I didn't, and that was love. At least her dad loved her, and she had a sister who loved her a lot. Now she has Max and his family, and I watched them at lunch today. She may not be married into the family yet, but they treat her as if she is, and that's because Jules is open and accepting. She knows how to accept kindness and care. She treats concern as a gift to be cherished, while I am suspicious of it.
I swear to God I'm really trying to learn from her and Luc and everyone, really, but it's hard to let go of twenty-eight years of being conditioned that I'm not worthy of love and care. I'm guessing Lucas filled his parents in about some of my insecurities, because they've been treating me with kid gloves, which I do appreciate. But I really hope they have the same patience with me that Luc does, because I don't want to alienate them. I know his allegiance will be to them, as it should be, and I don't want to lose him if I were to push them away.
"It's hard letting people in, but I'm trying my hardest," I painfully admit to Jules. "I want this to be easy on everyone, but I am way out of my element here."
"Want my opinion?" she asks me hesitantly, and I'm nodding at her before she even finishes her words. I'll take any advice that I can to make things work for everyone involved. "You protect yourself so tightly against getting hurt you could miss something really amazing, and the really something amazing I'm talking about is Luc. You're going to have a baby, and you're going to have the emotional support of the entire Fournier family regardless of what happens between you and Luc. But you stand to lose him if you can't take a little bit of a risk with your heart."
My stomach cramps from her words and I whisper to her, "I know."
I know very well that my inability to fully open up could cost me probably the most important person I've ever had in my life.
There was a time my freshman year of college when I was really struggling. Despite having no relationship with my parents for eighteen years, I was floundering that first year away from them as an adult. Although the net of being under their care as a minor was filled with holes, it was a safety net at least. I was overwhelmed with all sorts of doubts and insecurities that first year away from home, and I went to see one of the campus counselors.
It didn't take long for me to figure out through some soul-baring sessions that I felt entirely unlovable. That there was something so awful about me that I couldn't even entice my parents to love their child, that I knew I was destined to be alone forever. That was a tremendously formative year for me, because it was where I realized that I was going to make my way through life alone. I knew deep in my heart that no one could ever truly care for someone as unworthy as me, so I wasn't ever going to put myself in a position for someone to thoroughly reject me the way my parents had.
Of course, that counselor tried his damndest to get me to see my reasoning was flawed. And the smart and practical part of me could understand why I was the way I was. I'd read enough to know that what my parents did to me was devastating to my emotional growth and development. I was reasonable enough to know that I was really, really fucked up and broken.
It never really daunted me. Didn't sadden me. It was what it was and I adapted. I became strong. I relied on the one person I knew could never let me down, and that was me.
That's just the way my life was until Lucas Fournier came along. And now my entire foundation has been shaken to the core, and I don't know who I am anymore.
One thing I do know is that I've let him in further than I thought was even possible, and if I lose what we have, I know it would be a devastation that would cut away a part of my soul that he's had a huge role in healing.
And yet that still doesn't overcome my fear of being hurt even worse if he were to abandon me at some point. While I know it's wrong, my psyche tells me to push him away before I can get hurt, and yet I don't want to lose him at all. I am so fucked up in the head over this, I wonder if perhaps there comes a point where a person is so broken they can't ever be glued back together again.