My eyes move to his and he smiles at me. He doesn't say a word, but then he doesn't need to. He's one of the most transparent people I know. A man whose expression will tell you all you need to know about how he's feeling and doesn't care if you see it. His look tells me that he's right beside me and it's all going to be fine.
He confirms it by leaning over and putting a feathery kiss on my forehead. My eyes go to Dr. Woods, and he smiles back at me as if to say, You're a lucky girl.
Am I? I don't feel that way, since things have felt so off with Lucas lately. But here he is acting like I'm precious, and I'm so confused I just want to go to sleep and wake up when the baby comes.
Dr. Woods puts some lubricant on the wand and sits back down on his rolling stool, bringing himself up close and personal with a part of my body that probably only Lucas has seen more of than me. I can't help but tense up when he starts to insert the wand, and Lucas murmurs to me, "Just relax, Stephy."
I suck in a deep breath and try to force myself to relax.
The wand is so narrow it doesn't hurt, but when he bumps the end into my cervix, I suck in a tiny breath from the discomfort. Lucas's other hand comes to my head and he strokes my hair, whispering, "It's okay. You got this."
I let the air out and watch as the ultrasound screen comes alive with a mass of gray-looking static. Dr. Woods moves the wand a little and then says, "There's your uterus," as he points to a small black area.
"And right there," he says with just a tiny adjustment to the wand, "is your baby. Perfect size. Now, let's listen for the heartbeat."
My own heart practically stops and Lucas's hand squeezes mind so hard my bones hurt a tiny bit, but I don't say anything. I'm too amped up with anticipation to care.
Dr. Woods moves the wand, makes an adjustment on the screen, and then the gray staticlike image is gone and is replaced by long wavy lines that move in cadence with the heartbeat, which comes through loud and clear on the speakers.
And oh boy, it's so fast, and it sounds like it's in a drum and sort of squelchy sounding, but it's definitely a heartbeat. Dr. Woods listens, checks something on the machine, and says, "Your little baby's heart is functioning very well."
I roll my head and look at Lucas. His eyes are round and wide as they stare at the machine, his mouth slightly open in wonder.
"Amazing," he says softly, and then looks down at me. "Isn't it amazing?"
I cannot help the smile that breaks out across my face. In fact, it may be the biggest smile I've ever worn in my life, and it's all because of this man right here. I don't know what will become of Lucas and me in the future, but I can say he's given me one of the happiest moments I'll ever have and I'll treasure this time together for the rest of my life.
--
Lucas and I walk out of the doctor's office and he follows me to my car. I'm exhausted after that visit. Hearing the baby's heartbeat was the most amazing thing ever, and looking at Lucas's expression was the most beautiful thing ever. Getting all of the information that came afterward, however, was extremely overwhelming. Lucas carries it all in a folder under his arm and he assured me we'd take our time and go through it together.
So yeah, I'm exhausted, I'm confused about my feelings for Lucas, and I'm hungry. All three of these things make me weak of mind, so I succumb to the pressure of wanting to know where we stand exactly.
"I can't believe you asked Dr. Woods if it was safe for us to still have sex," I reprimand Lucas as we come to a stop by my car door, but it's really not a criticism. I just want to open up a conversation about what he's thinking.
He smirks at me. "I'm sure the good doctor isn't embarrassed about sex talk, Steph."
"Regular sex talk, sure. But when you ask him if we can have wild monkey sex during the pregnancy, that's a little too much information."
"He had an answer for me, didn't he?" Lucas retorts with another grin. "So it wasn't that unusual a question."
True. I was interested in the answer too, and it appears that sex is a go all the way up until my water breaks. Still, Lucas gives me nothing as to why he asked that question, particularly since things seem to be cooling.
"Do you have to go back to work?" Lucas asks, changing the subject before I can throw a good comeback at him.
I nod. "Yeah."
Is that disappointment on his face?
He leans in closer to me, bringing his palm to my cheek, then pushing his fingers through my hair where he holds tight at the back of my head. Dipping his face, he brushes his lips softly over mine and whispers, "And when might you and I be having wild monkey sex again?"
Whenever you want.
I blink and pull away slightly. "You want to?"
Lucas pulls his chin in and looks at me like I've got antennas sprouting from my head. "When have I not wanted to fuck you?"
"Night before last," I remind him.
He releases his hold on my hair and gets a guarded expression on his face. "I told you, I had to deal with that stuff with Simone. And I wanted to see you the next night after my game but you put me off, or have you forgotten that?"
"I haven't forgotten," I snap at him, and then instantly I'm filled with regret. With a heaving sigh, I tell him, "I'm sorry...I think these hormones are getting the best of me."
Lucas's face softens. "Stephy, I wasn't getting much from you when I was on the last road trip. You weren't overly chatty in our texts, and the times I called you at night, you didn't answer."
"I was sleeping," I hastily point out. But he and I know I was avoiding him. He just doesn't understand that I was doing so because I thought he was backing off from me. So I give a tiny admission. "I thought you were pulling back from me."
He shakes his head in denial. "It just seemed like things had cooled between us, and honestly, I didn't think it would be a big deal to you if I canceled the other night. In fact, I kind of thought you were relieved."
I look off to the side, across the parking lot. Taking a deep breath, I blow it out and turn back to Lucas. "Not relieved. Afraid."
Understanding dawns clearly on his face. "That we're getting too close."
I shake my head to clarify. "That I'm opening myself up too much. You were gone on the road trip, and well, I missed you, damn it. And that scared me. I can't afford to start missing someone. I've been there and done that, and it didn't work out for me in the end."
Lucas responds by pulling me into his arms, pressing my head to his chest, and murmuring, "I can't stand your fucking parents, Steph. They did a number on you."
I can't help the laugh that bursts out from my mouth but gets muffled by Lucas's shirt. I can feel him chuckling as his arms wrap around me. I slip mine around his waist and we squeeze each other.
"If this is too much," he murmurs, "I'll back off. But I want to keep seeing you. You and I have the most phenomenal chemistry that I think can exist between two people and I don't want to give that up."
"I don't either," I whisper back. "But--"
"It's still just casual," he guesses.
"No, it's not casual anymore," I disagree, and I can see the surprise at my admission on his face. "But I am scared and I don't know how much further I can go into this. I'm compelled to be with you and also compelled to run away from you, and I don't know w
hat's going to win out. I don't want to hurt you."
"And I don't want to hurt you," he assures me. "Let's just take this one day at a time and see where it goes."
"Okay," I answer softly, because that means I get him for at least one more night.
Then we'll take it from there.
Chapter 13
Lucas
There's a look that Stephanie gets in her eyes when she's lost to passion. They're glazed with lust, indicating she's in a world unto her own, and yet shining so bright and pinned to me with such intensity that I know she's no other place but with me.
Which is why my gaze stays locked to hers as I move inside of her. I'm actually helpless to look away. She also holds my body tight with fingers digging into my shoulders and legs raised, bent and gripping my sides.
While the doctor said we could still have wild monkey sex--my words not his, as he used the word vigorous I think--somehow we lapsed into a slow mating ritual. My hips pump deep but with no rush to get off, my cock luxuriating in the amazing feeling that is all Stephanie.
And this time is different.
So different.
Less than ten hours ago, I saw our child and heard its heartbeat. That tiny little thing was the size of a bean and not looking like a baby, but well, like a bean, and I was totally in love. It was the first time in my life I'd actually been in love. Stephanie didn't know it because she was staring in wonder at the ultrasound screen as we listened to that racing little heart, but I turned to look at her and that's when I fell again.
Fell hard for her.
This woman doesn't know what the meaning of motherhood because she was never the recipient of a mother's undying love, and yet the look on her face said it all. She was also in love with that child, and I could tell it was the first time in her life too that she felt something deeply for another human being. It was fearful and wondrous and joyful and panicked all at the same time, and it was beautiful to behold.
As I drive into her slowly and she gasps and moans and clenches all around my cock, I want to tell her how she amazed me today and how I proud I am of her, and that I am humbled to be able to have witnessed her naked love today for our child and grateful that she shared it with me. But I don't, because those words would be difficult for Stephanie to hear. I've come to know her very well, and I know she's not ready to admit she can be something different from what she thought.