I give him a small smile and a nod of understanding. "I know. You apologized already for it weeks ago and I accepted, remember?"
He nods and starts to turn away from me. "I'm going to go get Ben from Alex and Sutton. That way he'll be here in the morning and you can spend time with him before you leave."
"Okay," I whisper, but he never looks back at me. I hear him trudge almost wearily down the stairs and then the door closes behind him.
Then I sink to the carpet, rest my head against the bed, and cry over the unfairness of it all.
Chapter 29
Zack
TWO WEEKS LATER...
Are you in a strip club?
I glance down at the text from Ryker and then back up at the topless dancer gyrating onstage in front of me. He knows me well.
I pick up my phone and text back to him, Yup.
His response is immediate. Seeing anything good?
I quickly type back, Nope.
Come meet me at Tribeca for a few beers.
I stand up from the table, shoot down the last of my beer, and throw a ten-dollar bill beside my empty glass. As I walk through the club and leave the thumping music behind, I text him back, On my way.
The drive over to Tribeca doesn't take me long. I've met up with Ryker here a few times to grab a meal or a few drinks over the past two weeks. While Alex and Garrett will always be my buds, I've become pretty tight with Ryker.
So tight, that I spilled the beans to him about what happened between me and Kate. I didn't tell him the intimate details of what occurred between us, but I was utterly honest with him about how I made up a set of stupid rules that I myself broke, which caused her to hope for something that could never be.
When Ryker asked me why it couldn't be, I then proceeded to tell him all about my shortcomings and doubts about my relationship with Gina. Yes, he's been a very good friend and commiserated with me appropriately. Such a good friend, in fact, he then told me I was a bonehead. He chastised me for hurting Kate and for letting her get away. He told me that I had to let go of that shit in the past and concentrate on the here and now. On top of that, Sutton has been giving me the stink eye too. I'm not sure how much she knows, but she knows I hurt Kate.
She wants my balls for breakfast. Of that I'm sure.
I don't need Sutton and Ryker making me feel bad, though. There is nothing they can do or say that makes me feel any worse about the pain I've caused Kate. My entire being aches with the knowledge of what I've done.
I find it morbidly fascinating that I've come full circle. The minute Kate walked out of my door for good, I felt the same gut-wrenching, heart-splitting misery that I felt when I was told that Gina had died in the accident.
Does that mean I felt the same exact way about both women?
I don't think so. The more reflecting I have done, the more I have come to realize that there were very few similarities between what I had with Gina and what I had with Kate. And yet both of them are gone and both of their absences have affected me profoundly.
Yup. I've come full circle. Sitting my ass in a seedy strip club searching for something but not knowing what it is. I know I'm not going to find it there. And yet I keep coming back, hoping that there will be a clue as to what I can do to pull myself out of this misery.
The parking lot of Tribeca is packed, but I'm not surprised. It's a busy place because they have fantastic burgers and a wide selection of beer. I push my way through the crowd and find Ryker perched up against a corner of the U-shaped bar.
"What's up, man?" Ryker says as we bump fists.
"Not much," I tell him. I wave a hand at the bartender, who walks over to me, and I order a Guinness on draft.
"So the tits and ass weren't any good tonight?" Ryker asks with a grin.
"Same old shit, different day," I respond with exaggerated mock sadness. "What have you been up to?"
"Talked to Hensley today," he says after taking a sip of his beer. "She's made the decision final and wants me to take the girls full-time and is willing to sign over full custody. She's going to drive them and all their stuff down this weekend."
I give him a bright grin. "That's awesome, dude."
Hensley had apparently been vacillating over what she wanted to do and it was driving Ryker nuts. He finally told her to make a decision, make it final, or he was going to make it final for her by going to a judge.
Ryker smiles big back at me, because one thing I've learned about him over the past few weeks is how much he loves his kids. "Yeah, I'm pretty psyched about them coming to live with me permanently. I've got their room finished up and I checked out the school that they'll be enrolled in."
"We'll have to hook Ben and the girls up for regular playdates," I tell him.
"Sounds good," he agrees with me, and then gives a dramatic pause. "Listen...I also wanted to ask you about Kate."
And as always happens when I hear her name, a stab of pain hits me in the chest followed by a deep longing, ending with a pit of emptiness. "What about?"
"Have you talked to her lately?"
I shake my head. "Guess I'm not really sure what I would say to her."
"Well, we won't hash out again all the reasons why I think you're a moron when it comes to her, but I was wondering what you thought about me offering her a job?"
I hesitate for only a moment before saying, "I think that would be fantastic."
And I truly mean that.
In addition to the guilt that I feel for hurting Kate, I also feel terrible over the fact that she had depended solely on the job I had given her to help her start back to school in the fall. That has been weighing heavily on me since she left.
"You wouldn't think that was weird?" he asks carefully. "It's inevitable that you will see her at some point between some of the club functions or even with the kids getting together to play."
"Yeah, it would be weird," I mutter. It would fucking hurt--that was for sure. "But I'm a big boy. I can handle it."
"So why don't you give her a call and ask her for me?" Ryker says with a mischievous smile.
I merely give him an admonishing look. "Nice try, buddy. But if you want to talk to Kate, you'll need to call her yourself. Trust me, I'm the last person she wants to hear from."
"I think you might be wrong about that," Ryker says as he picks up his beer. He waves it at me and says, "Just because you hurt her doesn't mean her feelings have changed for you."
"Maybe not," I tell him with a grimace. "But it doesn't mean my feelings have changed either."
Ryker narrows his gaze at me and looks at me with skepticism. I know he's trying to weigh the truth of my words that I am no closer today about opening my heart to a woman than I was five minutes ago.
But what Ryker doesn't know is that my feelings have definitely changed.
I've gone from utter confusion over what I felt for Kate to a little bit of clarity as I've been thinking things through. I've come to realize that my feelings for Kate were so muddied because I had absolutely no clue as to where my feelings stood with Gina. I think I was so immersed in trying to figure out my past problems that I failed to see that perhaps the answer was literally right in front of me. Or, rather, right underneath me on most nights.
Of course, it's moot now. Things are so fucking far down the shitter that I don't think they can ever be rescued and polished up.
Ryker pulls his phone out and says, "Give me Kate's number. I'm going to call her right now."
I blink at him in surprise and do a quick sweep of my gaze across the bar. "You're just going to call her right now...from a bar?"
"Yeah, why not? No time like the present."
I shrug and pull my phone out. I've never memorized Kate's number because she was always in my favorites contact list. I haven't taken her out of there yet because I just couldn't bear to do it. I pull up her contact info and read her number off to him.
He types it directly into his phone and then calls her.
I watch as he holds the
phone to his ear and waits for Kate to answer. It's the closest I've been to her since she walked out the door.
And fuck...that was a miserable day for me, but more so for Ben.
Kate was up early that morning, but I was up earlier waiting for her in the kitchen. She startled in surprise when she saw me and then proceeded to ignore me while she made a pot of coffee. I tried to reason with her one more time.
"Kate...is there anything I could say that could get you to stay?"
She looked at me with those clear blue eyes and smiled at me sadly. "You can tell me that you love me."
I was so startled by her request that I reared backward in my chair. My reaction was palpable and she just lowered her gaze while shaking her head in resignation.