I disconnect the call and stare blankly out the windshield. I'm practically on autopilot as I drive home.
An unbidden, sarcastic snort bursts forth from me, and then I start snickering to myself.
Home.
What a fucking joke.
My four-bedroom house on Marchand Street feels like a prison, the walls closing in on me and causing me to seek out strippers named Candi Apple at midnight. I can't escape my memories there, my guilt swallows me up as I look at Gina's pictures throughout the house, and every day, rather than rise above my pain, I get swallowed in it a little deeper.
If it wasn't for Ben...beautiful, blond-haired, blue-eyed Ben...the spitting image of Gina. My little boy who seems to have bounced back fine after losing his mother, giving me toothy grins and cuddling with me on the couch at night. If it wasn't for him...
No, I don't even want to think about where I'd be if it wasn't for Ben. Let me just appreciate the fact that I have the most wonderful child in the world, and it's only because of him that I at least have some sort of desire to want to feel again.
I can't seem to feel outside the bounds of pure and unconditional love for my child, but it doesn't mean I want to be this way. I'm smart enough to know that Ben will look to me for guidance on how to live this life without his mom, and I'm savvy enough to know that if I don't get my shit together, for his sake, that I stand a really good chance of fucking his head up.
So I try the only way I know how, by seeking out the Candi Apples of this world, and start trying to dig down deep for something to interest me in this life outside of my child and my hockey career...which should be enough, right?
Taking a deep breath, I pull onto the outer belt line that circles around Raleigh, and let it out slowly. Yeah, tomorrow I need to start the process of removing my head from my ass. I also know the first step is to do as Delaney says and choose Ben's nanny. Delaney has been down here in Raleigh for the past week, interviewing prospects and checking out references. She's narrowed it down to a choice of three, and while I really don't want to make this decision, I know that for the sake of my son, I need to be satisfied they are right for the job. I trust Delaney implicitly, but I also know that I need to show some interest...at least for her peace of mind. She heads back to Manhattan the day after tomorrow, where she works as a financial analyst, and I can't let her leave with undue worry over me and Ben.
Pisses me off I have to hire a nanny. It feels like I'm replacing Gina...hiring a new mommy for my boy. Deep down, the rational side of me knows this isn't true. While I've been able to handle Ben just fine on my own the last four months while I recovered from my wrist injury, there was no way I could be a single parent to Ben when much of my career is spent on the road. I would need someone to be with him full-time when I was gone, and it had to be someone trustworthy.
Again, I trust Delaney and her choices, and I'll do my duty tomorrow and give them thoughtful consideration. Then I will make my decision, and start the process of introducing a new woman who would become a provider and mother figure to my son. Because that is what a nanny really is, at least that is how I see it right now.
That thought causes pain to shoot through my chest, and while I know it's unfair, a little part of me already hates this woman because she would be taking Gina's place in that respect.