Then it dawns on me. The scar. What did I expect?
Another message comes in.
Shaun: So, what are you going to do next?
Claire: Use this time to pick myself up, start again
Shaun: Sounds like a good idea
Wanting to move to safer ground, I decide to share my plans to search for my Dad.
Claire: Yeah. I’d like to find my father. He’s from New Zealand. That’s why I took this job. I wanted to come here to find him. Tane Matene is the name on my birth certificate. Don’t know anything else, though.
Shaun: I’ll help you if you like?
Claire: You will? I’d appreciate that
It’s so strange, telling him everything has made me feel so much safer. I need to squash that crush. He’s gay anyway. But, I do want to keep him as a friend.
Claire Thanks for listening, Shaun
Shaun: Anytime
Claire: Do you find this strange?
Shaun: What?
Claire: This. The way we talk together. It’s like I’ve known you forever
Shaun: Yes, I feel it too, Claire. It’s good, it means that we’ll work together well
Claire: Yeah
Shaun: Anything at all, you call me alright? And Claire?
Claire: Yes?
Shaun: I know you’ve already dismissed my words. But you need to believe me. You’re still beautiful
I wipe my face and take a deep breath. He’s made me feel so much better. And totally depressed. Because no matter how hard I try to talk myself out of it, I’m fast developing a huge and annoyingly futile crush on this gay man.
???
“Did ya see me go up that rock, Shaun? It was as sweet as.”
Rawiri thumped the back of his seat and Ari took his hand off the minibus steering wheel to nudge him
“Shaun?”
“Oh, sorry. Did ya say something?”
“Rawiri was talkin’ to himself for a good ten minutes back there, mate.”
Rawiri, who was leaning forward in the seat behind Shaun, sniggered as Ari raised an eyebrow ironically in the rearview mirror.
Shaun turned around.
“Sorry, pal.”
They’d been out into the forest with the boys doing their first climbing lesson. Shaun had managed to borrow some climbing gear from an outdoor centre over on the east coast and he’d been teaching them basic moves, knots and clippings.
In the army, he’d gained instructor qualifications in quite a few outdoor pursuits as part of his transition back to civilian life. He couldn’t use the certificates now, but he remembered what to do.
They’d even begun to have a little climb up the volcanic rock that Ari had found for them. It had been perfect for beginners with its rough, grippy surface. Already the boys were asking to go again, and they were only in the minibus on the way home.
“You gonna tell me what’s up or am I gonna have to guess?” Ari said quietly to Shaun.
Rawiri, earwigging, egged him on from behind.
“Go on Ari. Have a guess.”
“Nah, it’d make him blush.”
Ari let out a big, hearty laugh and Shaun shook his head.
“It’s nothing. I’ve got a few things on my mind, that’s all. About the place I’m renovating.”
“Yeah, whatever,” Rawiri sniggered to Ari. “Bet it’s a chick, eh?”
“Hey!”
Ari caught Rawiri’s eye in the rearview mirror.
“I can pull his leg, but when you do it, you cross the line.”
“No need to rark up! I was only sayin’.”
From the mirror Shaun could see Rawiri momentarily slumping backwards in a huff, then turning to chat with the other boys.
“Ari?” Shaun ventured.
“Yeah.”
“There’s this girl I know.”
“You managed to snag yourself a bird, bro?”
“Yeah, no, I mean, she’s a mate of mine. British. She’s trying to track her dad. How would she go about it over here?”
“Council office in Daragrei’s a good start, take a look through the electoral roll? Does she know where he is? North or South Island?”
“Nah - she only has a name. Tane Matene.”
“Spell the first name?”
“T-A-N-E”
“Shit! That’s…”
Rawiri was listening in again. Ari’s eye caught his eye in the rearview mirror, and Rawiri promptly turned back to speak with the boys.
“That’s a common name.”
“So, no-one you know of?”
“Yeah... Nah, bro…” Ari brushed it off casually, thinking aloud, “And I wouldn’t waste their time searching for him up North. I think the Matene surname’s from the South Island somewhere. Or perhaps out Gisborne way, eh?”
“Ah, alright. I’ll let her know. I told her it wouldn’t be easy.”
Shaun looked at the view out of the window as the fern-edged road tracked the estuary back towards the sea and the hostel.
He’d been dying to put a kayak in the water. He needed to buy one once he was done at the hostel. The estuary looked ideal for a paddle.
“Ari, when are you planning on testing out the waka?”
“Next weekend. Hope you’re gonna help us out. Need your muscles, bro.”
“Why?”
Rawiri piped up.
“‘Cos, it’s bloody heavy.”
“Glad I’m useful for something.”
Shaun turned and gave Rawiri a big grin.
Rawiri reminded him of what he’d been like as a kid. Full-on, desperately wanting someone to pay him a little bit of attention, give him a bit of time.
His phone pinged. He’d asked Claire to send him pictures every day. He could tell from their messaging that she’d lost a huge amount of confidence because of her scar. She wasn’t the same bubbly bartender he’d known back in The Cross Keys.
He felt bad about that every time they talked. If only he’d have been able to stop her from getting hurt that day. But he’d been too far away. And what was done was done. All he could do now was help her to feel good about herself again.
The first pictures he’d asked for were of her work. The newly painted rooms.
Then he’d asked for one with her in it. She’d been reluctant at first, but eventually a selfie pinged through, paintbrush in hand.
And then another. Her beside the chicken coop she’d rebuilt. Done a good job too.
Then, a surprise. She sent one of herself posing with a bag of seed potatoes by a veggie patch she’d dug out.
Small steps, but even if she didn’t realise it she was gaining in confidence every day.
His pulse raced as he scrolled again through all the pictures she’d sent him. She really was beautiful and he couldn’t wait until he saw her again.
???
I’ve taken to sitting on the wooden porch looking out at the lake as the sun drops, messaging Shaun. In a few short weeks, he’s become my bestie.
A photo comes through and I laugh out loud. I told him, fair’s fair. He needed to send me pics too.
So far I’ve had shots of the sea, the hostel and a beautifully carved canoe.
And each time there’s a bit of Shaun in it.
Mystery man. He’s teased me. Given me an arm, a leg, a shoulder. And now this. His silhouette. The back of a man, arms and
legs spread out as he climbs up a rock.
I open it and try to zoom in. His head’s covered by a plastic helmet and I’ve only got the back of him to go on. But it’s enough to make my heart thump. He’s tan and tall. Wearing shorts and a t-shirt. Well defined muscular shoulders, tight arse and strong athletic legs. He’s a regular action man. Typical of my luck that he prefers men.
Claire: I can see what you've been doing today
Shaun: Hi Claire, not long got back from the forest. I’d forgotten how much I love rock climbing
Claire: Sounds fun. I’d love to have a try
Shaun: I’ll take you
My heart is pumping fast now. Is that a date?
Claire: Will you?
Shaun: Definitely. What’ve you been up to?
Claire: Finished painting the last bedroom. Feeling very proud of myself, I don’t mind telling you
Shaun: You’re my employee of the month. Well done
Claire: Hmm. Out of how many?... Scrub that. I already know
Shaun: So, that’s the last of them?
Claire: Yip. And to celebrate I had a long, hot soak in the tub afterwards. How I’ve managed to get paint flecks onto some places of my anatomy is a complete mystery
There I go again. I know I shouldn’t. But there’s something about him, I can’t help it. He makes me want to flirt.
Shaun: Naked painting, was it?
And laugh. Is he flirting with me, now? I’ve been wondering that for a while. Jason’s never like this.
Claire: Good job I wasn’t naked. Vern from the hardware store came out to the lake with some chooks for me this afternoon. I nearly fell off the ladder when I heard him calling out
Shaun: I now have hens?
Claire: Yeah. About that
Shaun: It’s fine, Claire. I was going to get some myself
Claire: You were? Phew. I couldn’t get Rowdy in the coop and he looked so lonely up in the tree. Then, Vern called me about some new layers of his
Shaun: How many did you get?
Claire: Six. And Rowdy’s down from the tree already, hanging out with his girls. Hopefully, it won’t be too long before there are eggs
Shaun: I’ll look forward to that when I’m home. I’m looking forward to seeing you too
Claire: You are?
Shaun: Yes
Claire: Me too
What is he doing to me? I’m trembling.