The sound of his zipper had me breathing heavier. I jumped into Brandt’
s arms as my back slammed into the brick wall. His dick pushed in all the way as his mouth found my exposed nipple. My dress hung to the sides. The long-awaited sensation of Brandt pulsing within me was exquisite. Potentially being caught fueled the drive.
A moan escaped me as my head fell back. Brandt took a long stroke out, then slammed into me deep and hard, jarring my body against the brick.
“You drive me mad with want, Nikki.”
“Don’t stop.”
The motions became faster, more desperate, rougher. I reveled in the sensation.
“Let go, Nikki. Let go.”
My body complied as stars danced in my vision, and I spiraled into pleasure.
“I love you with all that I am, baby.”
“I love you, too, Brandt. So much.”
We kissed as Brandt stayed buried in me, releasing himself inside me.
Brandt’s voice brought me out of my memory. “You’re thinking about that time in the alley, aren’t you? After you’d been gone for five days.”
We were at the table, and he’d pulled the chair out for me. How long had I been standing here, lost in the past? I blushed as I took my seat. I’d been caught, and he knew it. Brandt’s eyes danced over my body, and it ignited again. I looked away.
“It’s hard not to remember those things when you touch me.” After a few seconds to gather my frazzled thoughts, I looked back into his eyes. “Regardless of how natural it feels between us, we have a lot to discuss.”
He nodded. “I agree. I’m an open book, Nikola. The only way I think we can start building trust is with you asking anything that comes to your mind and me answering. If I just share everything I think you want to know, you may settle for less than you really want. I don’t want that. I want something better than what we had.”
Words of my Grandmama came to my mind, Sometimes when something breaks and you fix it, the end result is twice as strong.
“I want this to work, but I’m scared. What if we don’t work together anymore?” My voice shook, and the words made me want to cry.
His brow crinkled, as if the words I spoke were more unpleasant to hear than they were to speak. “I hope to hell that’s not the case. I’ll take this at a turtle’s pace if needed. We’ll cross that bridge when we get there. Let’s focus on now and not all the what-if’s.”
“That’s fair.”
A waitress delivered our order, taking the number as she turned.
I took a small bite from my muffin, followed by a sip of coffee. Brandt drank his coffee and watched me closely.
“I can ask you whatever I want? Are there topics that are a no go area?”
“None. Ask anything that comes to mind.”
Brandt calmly sat back in his chair. I felt his leg intertwine with mine, and it was comforting. I pushed my leg against his, letting him know I was okay with the gesture.
“How many girls have you slept with since me?” Shocked at my first question, I slapped a hand over my mouth. “I mean…you don’t…oh, hell. I can’t believe I just asked that.”
He put his hand over mine as he leaned forward. After a few moments, I glanced up into his searing blue eyes.
“You can ask anything.” Brandt took a deep cleansing breath. “I slept with one person after we broke up. It was three months after getting out of rehab. She was a random person I met at a bar with Trigger. I thought having sex with someone else would help me get over you, since, at the time, I thought I’d never have a chance to get you back. I was wrought with guilt at what I had done to you and took the easy way out. But after that, I decided that if I couldn’t have you, I didn’t want anyone else.”
Thinking of Brandt with someone else hurt, though he’d had every right to see other girls. But knowing Brandt couldn’t sleep with anyone else warmed me. I’d felt the same way. Maybe we have a shot. I thought. As I processed his words, I decided to give him the same honesty.
“Thanks for telling me the truth. It stings thinking someone else had you, even though you weren’t mine. Do you want to know about me? This can go both ways.”
His voice lowered. Brandt looked down as he whispered, “Yes, I want to know.”
“I slept with one person, one time. That was it. We dated for a month, and I slept with him in a moment of desperation, trying to force myself to forget you. Afterward, I felt dirty, like I’d betrayed you. We broke up the next day. That was three months ago.”
I played with my muffin, squishing pieces of it on my napkin. There was so much hurt for both of us. The grip on my fingers slightly tightened, and I returned the squeeze.
Finally, he met my eyes. “Nikola, you’re anything but dirty. As you said, it stings, but at least there’s only one fucker out there I have to be jealous of. Was it Wesley?”
I shook my head. “No. Since we met at the support group, we’ve strictly been friends. He had a girlfriend who used. She was released about four months ago, and they started talking again about a month ago. He’s afraid she might have relapsed last week, but isn’t sure. Hopefully not. Wesley’s working with her sponsor this week to see.”
I felt his leg push against mine again as Brandt relaxed back into his seat and took another sip of coffee. A woman near us was blatantly staring at Brandt. He only had eyes for me. Without thinking, I raised an eyebrow at her—she turned away, blushing.
Brandt chuckled. “I like that you’re still jealous. Gives me hope.”
Taking another sip of coffee, I tried to hide my smile. Setting my cup back down, I took a serious tone. “Why’d you start using?” I asked. “I thought we were happy. I’ve replayed our time together over and over, and I can’t figure out what drove you to start.”
This was probably the question Brandt had thought I would start with. He cracked his neck. “I was at a party I’d heard about. You were out of town, and I figured why not. I went and realized that it was ultimately a drug fest. When I saw what was going on, I turned to leave when I overheard someone trying to convince someone else to try a line of blow. I wanted to hear the sales pitch and how ridiculous it was. They said it wasn’t addictive if used in moderation. All the actors snorted a line from time to time. I was stupid enough to fall for it. I knew better. I fucking knew better, but I was tired and stressed out with all the success of the club.”
He paused as if taking himself back to that day. “I went to the guy and listened to the rest of his speech. He talked about how cocaine gave you endless energy and how you could conquer the world on it. I told myself that if I did it in moderation, and only used when you weren’t in town, I could get twice as much done and have more time for you. My day had been beyond shitty, and I just wanted to escape for a bit.
“Before I knew it, I’d convinced myself to snort a line. It did exactly what they said it would. I felt powerful and ready to take on anything. I went back to the club afterward and could get three days’ worth of work done. From there, I craved that power, and I guess it took over my life before I realized it. I lied to everyone I knew and loved. The cravings happened more often and I’d developed a tolerance—I had to use more and more. It had nothing to do with our happiness at all. Before I knew it, I wasn’t me anymore and I hurt everyone I loved. But the worst part was losing you.”
His words cut right through me. As he spoke, memories played in my head: finding the coke, Brandt denying using, the end of our relationship.
“If we try this again, what will keep you from using again? I’m scared shitless that whatever triggered you last time could send you to drugs. I was part of that equation, and I don’t think I could survive it again. It nearly killed me to lose you.”
Without warning, Brandt scooted his chair next to mine and hugged me. I grabbed him as if he was the air I needed to breathe. My battered soul was soothed in his arms. I dug my nails into his back, trying to meld us together.
“Baby, I’ll always be an addict. But I haven’t used once since I left rehab, despite some pretty dark days. Knowing what the drugs cost me has kept me aw
ay from them. And it always will.” He paused to take a deep breath. “Let’s not put pressure on ourselves. I still love you, Nikola. You don’t have to say it back, but I don’t want you to doubt what I feel for you. I think losing you makes me love you even more now.”
Tears spilled down my cheek, and I pulled away slightly. Brandt’s thumbs came brushed them away, bringing me back to where I’d been. I was lost for words. He was right—I wasn’t ready to say it back. Telling him I loved him at this point would leave me more vulnerable than I was ready to be.
He continued, “I don’t expect us to pick up where we left off. We’ve changed and need to learn each other. I get you being scared. Just tell me when things are too much, and we’ll dial it down to where you’re comfortable.” He searched my eyes as a few more tears came down. “What do you think?”
Brandt’s fingers grazed my cheek and said, “Even though we’ve changed, there are still things that are the same. Like you biting your cheek when you’re nervous. We still know each other. Being with you feels better than anything, but you don’t have to answer today, Nikola.”
I wanted this, but we needed to set limits since our sexual chemistry was explosive. We had to make sure we weren’t covering our problems with sex like we used to. Taking a deep breath, I replied, “I want to see where this goes.” My voice trembled.
Brandt looked like he’d won the ultimate prize. He dropped his hands from my face and grabbed both of my hands. His thumbs stroked mine.
“I have one semi-condition, though.”
“Name it. Anything.” His voice was resolute.
That was powerful, knowing he wanted me bad.
“No sex until we’re ready. Let’s try to make it a month.”
“Deal. Whatever it takes.” I looked up a little surprised. “I told you, Nikola, whatever it takes to get us back to a healthy, happy spot.”
We were both smiling when a devilish grin spread across Brandt’s face. It was the smile from when he used to tease me. “What if you beg me for sex?”