“You don’t want any mixed signals.” Zoey took a deep, shuddering breath. It was the deepest breath she had been able to take in a long time. It was as if her lungs had just let her take small puffs of air, and suddenly she could take a freeing breath that filled every ounce of her body with oxygen.
“I have to go. I’m going to be late for my first appointment.”
“I’ll see you in the morning.” He gave her a gentle smile as he started to open the door.
“Stump.” Zoey laid her hand over his on the doorknob. “While you’re waiting, are you… are you going to be with Crush?”
“No, the only one who’ll be sleeping in my bed from now is you.”
“I only sleep on mats,” she teased, breaking into laughter at his horror-stricken expression. “I’m teasing. Remember when I said I wanted to be a female monk?” At his nod, her grin widened. “Mattresses are another thing I didn’t want to give up.”
19
Mom,
Mr. Landon told me that he wrote to you and told you that I’m now in an orphanage and he hasn’t received any response from you. I gave him the only address I have, so either you don’t care, or you no longer live there. He did a search for you, and said you’re no longer at the address Dad told me you were at.
I hope he finds you soon. I hate it here. The other kids here are mean to me. I can’t stay here.
Mr. Landon is my advocate for the court, but he scares me. I don’t like the way he looks at me, and the last time he came to visit, he told me that, if I was nice to him, he could find me a foster home to live in so I wouldn’t have to share a room with the other girls.
He comes back next week. I plan to run away before then. I’m going to find you myself. If you don’t want me when I show up at your door, just don’t answer and I’ll go away. I don’t want to make things difficult for you. I just can’t stay here anymore.
The courts say I’m too young to be on my own, but the courts didn’t help me or Tracy when she went to them for help.
Dad went crazy when Tracy told him that she went to the police, and then she told him to get out. He sent me to go to my bedroom to pack my clothes. I should have known then what he was planning. He never let me take my things before, but I wanted my rabbit. I only meant to be a minute, but when I heard the shots and ran out of my bedroom, he had already shot Tracy and Aubrey.
I should have taken her to the bedroom with me. It’s all my fault that my baby sister is dead. I wish it had been me. I miss her so badly that I can’t breathe. Have you ever felt like that? I feel like that every day, and when I cry at night, the girls in my room tell me to shut up.
I miss Aubrey and Tracy, but I don’t miss Dad. He tried to make me get in the car with him. When I didn’t, he pointed the gun at me. All I could think of was that my baby sister needed help. He told me I didn’t need Tracy or Aubrey, that all I would ever need is him.
I fought for the gun, but as much as I hated him, I couldn’t pull the trigger. He laughed at me and started strangling me. He told me he was my father and he could kill me if he wanted to, just like Aubrey. I shot him over and over until I ran out of bullets.
The psychiatrist said I was in shock, and it was a flight or fight response. It’s true. I was tired of running away with him, and I just couldn’t watch him hurt any more people who trusted him.
He couldn’t believe I shot him. When he died, I didn’t even cry. I’ll never cry over him. He doesn’t deserve it. I guess I loved him to death.
xo
Love,
Zoey
“You’re not going to read the last one?”
Stump neatly folded the letter, placing it back in the envelope. “I can’t stomach reading another one right now.”
He began reading the stack of letters last night when Shade brought the cardboard box to the clubhouse right after Stump trashed the place. He hadn’t slept last night, reading three-fourths of the letters Zoey had written to her mother instead.
His eyes were gritty from lack of sleep, and if he didn’t get some soon, there was no way he was going to be able to meet Zoey in the morning.