But Bonnie’s stomach was still churning. It was almost as if the phone call hadn’t happened. It was almost as if he hadn’t deliberately walked away from them and excluded them from his conversation.
A horrible chill crept down her spine. Jacob wasn’t on call any more. His on-call duties finished at midday. Whoever had phoned him—it hadn’t been about work. There were no patient confidentiality issues. So what didn’t he want her to hear?
She didn’t have time to think any further, because his arm was around her shoulders and he moved them forwards a little as Santa positioned himself on stage to make the announcement and turn on the lights.
Crowds had gathered all around them. They were lucky Jacob had thought to buy them tickets. The area in front of the stage was crushed full of people. At the side, they could see the view all along the street. A perfect position to see the lights switched on.
Santa started cheering the crowd on. Some of the handlers had brought the reindeers out from the pen and positioned them behind him. The animals seemed completely unperturbed by the noise or the crowds. Freya, in the meantime, was clapping her hands with excitement.
‘Ten, nine, eight, seven, six.’ Bonnie joined in the countdown with the rest of the crowd. This was what she wanted for her little girl. To be full of the joys of Christmas and to enter into the spirit of things.
Moving down here had been hard. Emotionally hard. The separation in miles was the final nail in her divorce coffin, and one that she so badly needed. Everything down here was new. Everything down here was fresh.
Living in a town where Freya could have seen her father at any point, and been ignored by him, was too much for her. His lack of involvement hurt. It wasn’t the issue of being both mum and dad to her little girl—that was without question. It was the carefully chosen words she had to find to explain why he didn’t call—why he didn’t visit.
And it didn’t matter that moving to Cambridge gave Robert a perfect excuse for not visiting Freya. He hadn’t needed one in Scotland. It just lessened the impact of him not being around. Freya was so caught up in her new home, her new school and her new friends that she hadn’t even had a chance to miss him and that was a welcome relief.
Jacob looked over at her and squeezed her shoulder. ‘Okay?’
‘Yes.’ She nodded, pushing away all the other little doubts that had started to creep into her mind. It was one phone call. One. Nothing else.
Jacob wasn’t Robert. And even if he was, it was none of her business. They were work colleagues—friends.
Santa finished the countdown, ‘Three, two, one,’ and flicked the switch.
It was magical. Like something from a movie. The Christmas lights started at the bottom of the street. Red, green and gold garlands strung across the road flickered to life.
It was like a Mexican wave. At points along the way there were bigger illuminations. A North Pole house, a multicoloured sleigh, a large pile of presents. The church halfway along the street had joined in. Multicoloured lights wrapped around the stained-glass windows and steeple lit up the dark night sky. A nativity scene in the churchyard, complete with shepherds and magi, was brought to life.
Freya loved every part of it. Every time another part lit she gasped with excitement. The lights were getting closer, finishing with the large Christmas tree in the middle of the square. The colours lit up one at a time, as if someone were stringing tinsel around the tree while they watched. First green, then red, then gold. Finally a large white twinkling star lit at the top of the tree as fireworks started to go off behind them. Cambridge really knew how to do Christmas.
One of the brass bands from the local schools started to play Christmas carols and Bonnie, Freya and Jacob joined in. By the time Jacob slid Freya off his shoulders an hour later her eyelids were heavy. Bonnie held out her arms to take her but Jacob shook his head. ‘It’s fine. We’ve still got quite a way to walk back.’ She saw the tiniest flash of hesitation across his eyes, then he bent down and dropped a kiss on her lips.
Just when she thought she had things sorted in her head. Just when she’d convinced herself that what Jacob did was none of her business and she should forget their last kiss.
The kiss zapped everything back into his place. The taste of his lips and the feel of his hands sliding under her jumper and up her back.
‘Come on.’ He smiled at her. ‘Let’s get sleepyhead back home. It’s getting cold out here.’
A few gentle flakes of snow started to fall around them. Freya had automatically snuggled into Jacob’s neck and was already half asleep. Jacob kept his other arm around Bonnie and steered them both through the crowd and along the street.
Bonnie looked around. To everyone else, they must look like a regular family. Mum, Dad and little girl. Part of that terrified her. The other part pined for it.
She wanted Freya to be loved, to be part of a family. She wanted her little girl to have the relationship that she’d missed out on with her own father.
And Bonnie didn’t want to grow old alone. She’d been stung by her cheating ex and it had made her wary. But it didn’t stop her hoping that somewhere out there would be a man who would love and respect her the way she did him.
Would make her skin tingle and send pulses through her body from a mere look, a touch.
Trouble was, the only person who fitted the bill right now was Jacob Layton.
Could she really trust him with her heart? And with Freya’s too?
CHAPTER NINE
JACOB STARED AT the letter in his hand.
This was it. The appointment he’d been waiting for. The one that could be the end of the big black cloud that had been hanging over his head for the last fifteen months.
His scheduled appointment was fourteen days away but he’d phoned and asked for a cancellation. He couldn’t wait any longer to find out his results—good or bad.
Professional courtesy in the NHS went a long way. CT scan and blood tests tomorrow. Appointment with the specialist the day after.
His stomach twisted. Over the last few days he’d reverted to form and he knew it. He was snapping at people again, being grumpy at work.
All because of what was happening inside.
Something had hit him. Ever since he’d had that conversation with Bonnie and kissed her he couldn’t think straight. His house was now full of Christmas decorations and happy, smiley people. And for the first time in his life he actually wanted to be a happy, smiley person too.
But he just couldn’t be. Not with this hanging over his head.
The possibility of a real relationship—a real connection with someone—was there. But he felt as if it were slipping through his fingers like shifting sands.
Talking about his mother had been an enormous help. Sharing with Bonnie had given him a connection he hadn’t felt since he was a young child. Bonnie was a woman he could trust. A woman he could love with his whole heart.
His grip tightened on the letter in his hand. So why hadn’t he told her about this?
The truth was he wasn’t ready. Cancer was a burden. Cancer was a relationship deal breaker. He was still at that uncertain stage with Bonnie. He didn’t want to be a burden to her and Freya—particularly if the news he was about to receive was bad.
If it was, he would step back and fade into the background of their lives. He would probably stop making up r
easons she shouldn’t move to any of the properties that she’d shown him and help her and Freya take the next steps in their lives.
Above everything he didn’t want Bonnie to feel sorry for him. To form a relationship with him out of sympathy or pity. He didn’t want that kind of relationship.
He wanted the kind that had started to burn inside him already. The kind where she was his first thought in the morning and his last thought at night. The kind where he could walk into the labour suite and sense she was there without even seeing her.
The kind where her scent would drift across the room towards him and wrap itself around him like a magic spell. So the first face he would see would be hers and her smile would send him a thousand unspoken promises.
Bonnie and Freya had been badly let down before. He didn’t want that for them again. And until he found out about his test results, he couldn’t even begin to have the kind of conversations with Bonnie that he should be having.
Would she even consider their relationship progressing? How would she feel knowing that he’d had cancer? How would she feel about his position on children? She already had Freya, but Bonnie struck him as the kind of woman who’d want to expand her family. Could she be in a relationship with a man who didn’t want to pass the risk of cancer—no matter how small—on to his kids?
So many unanswered questions. So many dangerous assumptions. Crabbit. That was how she’d good-naturedly described him the other day. It was a good Scottish word for him—because that was exactly how he felt.
Unsure. That was another word that described him right now.
He’d always spent his life knowing exactly who he was and what he wanted.
Bonnie—and Freya—had literally turned his world upside down.
‘Jacob?’
He crumpled the paper in his hand and thrust it into his pocket. ‘Yes?’ Bonnie was standing at his office door. A furrow ran across her brow.
‘Sean just phoned. Someone else phoned in sick for tomorrow. He wondered if you could cover the theatre list?’
Jacob hesitated. He’d never refused to cover for a fellow doctor before. His automatic default position was always to say yes.