Oh God. No. No, I didn't.
Sitting back on my heels, I slapped a hand over my mouth. Breathing through a panic attack was hard enough. Breathing through a panic attack while giving a blowjob was even harder.
"Hell. Alex, are you all right?" Joe quickly pulled up his pants, tucking his softening dick out of sight. Then he handed me a bottle of water. I swallowed a good half of it down, stopping only to slump over and give the whole breathing thing another go.
"I should have pulled out," he said. "I didn't even ask. Sorry."
I held up a hand. "It's fine."
Poor man probably thought he'd nearly choked me with his cum or something. Which kind of had happened but not in the way he was thinking. My heart hammered, sweat sliding down the side of my face. All good. No problem. I was not in love with Joe Collins. That had just been some strange mental aberration brought on by proximity to his magical, truly talented cock or something. Let's not get all emotional and start feeling things we shouldn't be. I'd given the man head, not my heart. Because falling for him would be dumb, stupid, careless, and more.
He already had too much going on in his life right now. Exactly as he'd said.
"Went down the wrong pipe," I whispered, patting my chest.
More heavy-browed concerned looks from him.
God, how embarrassing. I finished off the rest of the water, slowly getting myself back under control. "Let's get back to work."
"Are you sure?"
I nodded, as weak and jittery as a bobble-headed doll. Offering me a hand, he helped me to my feet. Sad to say, I think I needed the assistance. Gently, he brushed my hair out of my face, watching me oh so carefully. I had the stupidest impulse to cry, to hide my face in his chest and bawl like a baby. Not good.
"Painting," I said, retrieving my brush from out of the tray. The shaking went away after a while, but Joe's eyes kept returning to me for the rest of the day. Never mind. He didn't need to know about my dumbass revelation. Hell, once we'd finished up here, I had every intention of drinking until I no longer knew about it either.
This was no time for love. Not for him, and therefore, not for me.
*
The knock on my hotel door came around ten o'clock that night, disturbing my intense study of the ceiling. My mind hadn't been able to settle on anything else. Apparently, no movie or book currently available could distract me from the overwhelming misery of being in love with Joe Collins. It was just like being fourteen again, minus the pimples. Everything sucked and I was doomed.
Surprisingly, I opened the door to find him standing there. His hands were stuffed in his jeans pockets. "Can I come in?"
"Sure." I stepped back, closing the door after him. As the usual, he took up all of the space, all of the air in the room. There was only him and me. "How did you get here?"
"Cab."
"Is everything okay?"
He didn't respond immediately.
Since I was doing all of the driving, I'd dropped him off at his place over an hour ago. We'd gotten out early, it'd been a pretty quiet night at the bar. A good thing, since his one good hand and my lack of experience behind the bar did not make for speedy service.
He sat on the end of the bed, a hand braced on his knee, eyes troubled. "Star and Mom went to visit Nell tonight."
"How is she doing?"
He winced. "About as well as you'd expect, I guess. They've given her good pain meds, apparently. She's comfortable enough. But that doesn't help with knowing she lost the baby."
"She's grieving."
"Yeah."
"It's horrible." I sat opposite him on the chair, not quite knowing what to do with myself. God only knew what my lovelorn heart might attempt if I plonked myself down beside him. Sonnets, bad poetry, or just a random declaration. Whatever happened, I couldn't tell him about my feelings. The poor man's back was already bowed under the weight of all of the current emotional pressure; adding my earlier revelation to the mess would not help. I wanted to be his wonderwall. His place to rest and heal. The person who had his back, no matter what. That's how I'd show him my love without doing any damage.
"Has anyone heard from Eric?" I asked.
"Ah, yeah." He offered a brief smile. "That's the good news. He texted earlier, said he'll be back in a day or two."
"Good. That's great."
"I've been really worried about him." He cleared his throat. "Alex ... when Mom dropped Star back, she was upset. Crying."
My insides tensed. The old enemy, anxiety, shooting through me. "She and Nell are close, right? You said they were good friends."
A nod.
"It must have been upsetting for her to see Nell hurting."
He just stared at me.
"What happened, Joe?"
"I just, I was just trying to comfort her. Holding her, you know?" His mouth tensed. "Then she started kissing me and ... I stopped it. I, ah, I did."
"Okay."
"She wants for us to try again. We used to be really good together before shit fell apart," he said. A simple statement, though it hurt like hell. "She says she made a mistake, leaving."
Not a surprise. Joe might have chosen to be oblivious, though Star had made her intentions pretty damn clear.
His fingers speared roughly through his hair. "I told her I'd forgotten something at work. Got out of there."
Questions poured through my head, but I said nothing. I had no rights in this situation, not really. Despite today's accidental oral, he'd made it clear we were over, or unofficial, or whatever the hell exactly we were. And I'd said I accepted it, but would stay to help him anyway.
Yet here he was, confessing. The situation was beyond confusing.
"Do you believe me?" His gaze pinned me to the chair.
"Yes."
"Good." Slowly, his shoulders relaxed, lowering. "I can't handle this coming from her, any more than I can continue things with you. Sooner or later, you're going to have to go home. Who the hell knows when we'll see each other again. Eric's going to need me to have his back; the baby's funeral is the day after tomorrow. It was a little girl, did you know that? I had a niece."
"I'm so sorry."
"I haven't even heard from Dad, but I know Mom is just devastated. God knows when Nell will be back on her feet," he said. "My family need me here."
My heart at my feet, I nodded. "I know."
"But I haven't even told you the best of it."
"What?"
"The idiot that hit us found out his insurance won't cover the cost of repairs," he said. "So he's suing me."
"Wha--" I shook my head, my forehead scrunched up. "How the fuck is that even possible? What planet is he calling this in from?"
He rubbed the back of his neck. Suddenly, pain filled his eyes and he winced, carefully bracing his cast with his free arm. "I don't know. Got an old school friend who is a lawyer. I'll call her tomorrow, see when we can talk."
"That's insane that he would come after you." Fury filled me from top to toe. "God damn it."
"Yeah."
"He was the one driving with no fucking lights on!"
Joe said nothing, a wide yawn cracking his jaw. "Christ, I'm tired. I don't remember ever being this tired before."
"Lie down," I ordered, getting to my feet, then kneeling at his and undoing his shoes.
"Alex." Worry lined his face.
"We're not having sex or doing anything fun. We're sleeping." I pulled off his boots and smelly socks. Such is the joy of love. "Go on."
"I'm not sure. I know things got intense between us today, but--"
"You don't want to lead me on," I said. "Relax, Joe. I'm not going to try and start something, launch a surprise attack or something. Can you say the same of Star?"
The dubious look on his face said everything.
I yanked off his second boot and sock with a smile. "Your virtue is safe with me. Lie down."
"Thank you," he said, rising to his feet.
I turned down the bed then stepped back so
he could lie down. There were shadows under his eyes I hadn't noticed earlier. More lines on his face than there had been previously. I fetched him an extra pillow for his broken arm, making sure he was comfortably settled for the night. Eyelids closed, he looked slightly more relaxed. Not much, but a little.
When I crawled in beside him, I made sure to leave a definite couple of inches between our bodies. Switzerland, the no-go zone. After all, the man needed his space. Despite this, he reached out, grabbing my hand and holding on tight. The warmth of his skin and the rough patches of his callouses, even the contained strength in his long fingers; I did my best to memorize it all.
Somewhere in the darkness, the sand was slipping through the hourglass, my time left in Coeur d'Alene disappearing to naught.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
I don't believe I'd ever seen anything sadder than the tiny white coffin sitting up in the front of the church.
Roses in every color of the rainbow overflowed from vases and a pianist played softly. The minister spoke, her voice soothing, flowing straight through me. No idea what she said, though. What could you possibly say to help during a time like this? At the myriad of possibilities such a small life would never get to explore. A beloved daughter, a granddaughter, and niece. She was all of these things and yet none.
I sat near the back, leaving plenty of room for family and longtime friends of Nell and Eric. Tears flowed from almost everyone. Nell sat up front between Patrick and Eric. Vaughan, Lydia, Rosie, and Andre sitting on the left, and Joe, Star, and his parents on the right. Afterward, over a hundred colorful helium balloons were released by the mourners. Set to drift off up to the sky, disappearing into the heavens.
Life didn't last anywhere near as long as we thought. For all its occasional drudgery, it could be so fleeting. Nothing was certain.
Like Patrick, Star remained at Nell's side during the wake. Nell clutched her hand fiercely, obviously grateful to have her there. I hoped for Nell's sake, Star did decide to stick around for a while. The Collins' house was packed with mourners, Taka, Rosie, and Boyd from Dive Bar seeing to all of the food and drink. Joe's mom seemed so pale, a ghost of herself wandering in and out of rooms as if she didn't know where she belonged. Stan sat in a lounge chair, staring off at nothing.
It hurt to see Joe's family and friends like this.