“You can’t know that for sure.”
“Yes, I can. I’m his mother. I can feel it in my bones.” It made my chest ache to see the worried look on her face as she added, “And it’s all my fault.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I should’ve done more for him. He needed a father in his life. You both did.” Tears filled her eyes as she muttered, “Maybe if I’d stayed with your father ...”
“Mom, stop,” I fussed. “You staying with Dad wouldn’t have been good for any of us, and you know it.”
“I don’t know that, Delilah.” I could see the wheels turning in her head as she leaned back against the counter and crossed her arms. “I know you may not remember, especially after the way things played out, but there was a lot of good in your father. I can still remember when I first fell in love with him. He was so handsome and charming and funny. Oh, my … the way we used to laugh.” Her eyes drifted to the floor as she continued, “He would give the best hugs. Made me feel like I was truly loved … and he was great with you and your brother. You both were always crawling onto his lap, listening to him tell one story after the next.”
“You’re right. I don’t remember that.” I came off harsher than I intended when I said, “I remember the yelling ... and all the times the lights would get turned off because he’d gambled away all your money. I remember him being gone for days on end and how worried you were that he might not come home. But he always did, and when he finally did show up, it was only because he’d ran out of money.”
“He was sick, Delilah. It wasn’t his fault.”
“His fault or not, he caused more harm than good.”
“Maybe things could’ve been different if I’d pushed him harder to get help.”
“What is it with you and the blame game?” I fussed. “It wasn’t your job to make Dad do right by his family and get the help he needed. If he cared at all, he would’ve gotten the help on his own. He certainly wouldn’t have entirely given up on us all.”
“I guess you’re right.”
“I’m definitely right.” I gave her a warm smile as I tried to assure her, “Besides, we did just fine without him. You were a wonderful mother. You still are.”
“It’s just so hard to be sure.” She wiped the tears from her cheek as she explained, “A boy needs a man in his life that he can look up to and respect. Danny never had that.”
“No, but he had you. That’s all either of us really needed.” I walked over to her and gave her a hug. “Everything’s going to be okay. You’ll see.”
“I hope you’re right about that.” She stepped back with a look of doubt on her face. “Are you sure we shouldn’t contact the police ... just to be certain?”
“No. I honestly think it’s best to wait.” Hoping to buy myself some time, I offered, “How about this? I’ll go by his place after work, and if he’s not there, I’ll make some calls and see if I can track him down?”
“That would be great.”
“Okay, consider it done.”
“Thank you, sweetheart.” She gave me a quick hug before saying, “I’ll let you finish getting ready for work.”
Once she was gone, I grabbed my things, along with the donuts my mother had brought, and rushed to work. As soon as I walked into the nursing home, I dropped Mom’s donuts off in the work room, and after I put my things in my locker, I headed out to do my rounds. I hadn’t been at it long when my mind drifted to my conversation with my mother. It had been years since she’d talked about my father, and I was surprised that she had anything positive to say about him. He’d caused us all so much heartache, and as far as I knew, he’d never tried to set things right. Not that it mattered. I found it doubtful that I would ever be able to forgive him for the things he’d done. I wished I could. It would be nice to finally let go of all that anger and resentment, but it was just too hard. Maybe in time I’d see things differently, but for the time being, it was easier to blame him for the things that had gone wrong in our lives—including Danny’s ordeal with the Ruthless Sinners. Maybe if my father had been around, then Danny wouldn’t have taken to dealing drugs. It was a thought that had me thinking about Zander.
I’d always promised myself that I wouldn’t make the same mistakes my mother had made with my father. I didn’t want to spend my life constantly looking over my shoulder or waiting for the next bomb to drop like my mother had. I wanted a man who’d be honest and good—a man who’d love me and always be there when I needed them. I wasn’t sure where exactly Zander fit in that promise I’d made to myself. Every instinct I had screamed at me to walk away, but my heart just wouldn’t listen. I knew he was involved in bad things. I’d seen that with my own eyes, but I also knew there was another side to him—a good side. I’d seen it, felt it, but deep down, I wasn’t sure it was enough. I was still trying to wrap my head around it all when Krissy snuck up behind me and asked, “Well?”