Faith sighed, turning back to me.
“Do you ever regret it?” I asked, my eyes still on the closed door where Lukas disappeared.
Faith tilted her head.
“Moving here. Giving up your dream of owning a concierge PR firm.” I’d been the one to help her solidify that dream back in Seattle. I’d also been the one to suggest she be Lukas’ personal assistant in order to prepare for that dream, and then they’d fallen in love and she’d given up everything.
“Never,” she said. “I don’t feel like I’ve given up anything, Langley. Working for you is amazing, and being with Lukas? That wasn’t a choice. Home is where he is. My dreams are where he is.”
I swallowed hard.
“And he’d tell you the same thing,” she continued. “If I would’ve asked? Lukas would’ve played out his draft expansion contract and then given up the NHL. He would’ve stayed in Seattle, continued to produce his clothing line, and simply have been with me. But I didn’t want that for him. Not when together we could both have everything we ever wanted.”
I nodded, something settling in my twisting stomach.
The feeling...that certainty swirled and begged to be acknowledged, but I couldn’t...not when nothing was certain when it came to Axel and myself.
“Did you want to say it back?” Faith asked.
I chewed on my lip for a second.
“I don’t know,” I finally admitted. “I knew I should—”
“Should,” Faith cut me off. “Isn’t fair to either of you. You only say it if you mean it. And if you’re not ready, you’re not ready. There is no rule saying you have to say it back.”
I nodded. “But the last thing I want to do is hurt him. I’m just…”
“Terrified,” Faith finished for me.
“Yes.”
Faith reached across the fence separating us and squeezed my hand. “You got hurt. Bad. I know. It was awful. But you shouldn’t let that stop you from experiencing something amazing. Maybe, if you can allow yourself the freedom to let go, maybe you’ll figure out exactly what, or who, you want.”
I pressed my lips together, nodding again.
“I love you, Faith,” I said, needing her to know how much her friendship meant to me. How I hadn’t realized I’d needed it so badly until she’d come into my life.
She grinned. “Love you, too. See, that wasn’t so hard, was it?”
“Not with you,” I said, sucking in a deep breath.
“Because you know without a doubt I don’t have the power to hurt you. Not like—”
“We having a backyard bash?” Axel’s voice sounded from behind me as he made his way across the yard.
“I…um…” I fumbled miserably for an excuse.
“Sorry to steal your wife,” Faith teased. “I texted her. Needed to ask her about a publicist, business thing.”
“You never stop working either, do you?” Axel asked, wrapping his arms around me from behind.
“How can I?” Faith asked, pointing at me. “Being her apprentice is a full-time job.”
I laughed. “Am I such a bad mentor?”
“The best,” Faith said. “See you in the morning. Thanks for the help.”
I mouthed the words thank you as she backed away and disappeared into her house.
I gripped Axel’s muscled forearms as he tucked his chin over my shoulder. “So,” he said, planting kisses along my neck. “What is your rule about sex under the moonlight?”
I laughed, the tension in my chest easing after the conversation with Faith, and the way he was acting completely normal now. Maybe not saying the words hadn’t hurt him. Maybe everything would be okay. Maybe I had time.
“Already?” I spun in his embrace, hooking my arms behind his neck as he hefted me to his level.
“Always.”
I sighed, pressing my forehead to his. I’d opened bit by bit, to exploring other rooms of the house, but never the kitchen. And I wasn’t ready to have him take me outside, where our best friends next door, or hell, any Reaper in this Village, could walk by and see us. “Bedroom,” I said. “But we can open the blinds to let the moon in.”
There.
That was something.
I couldn’t help that I liked to compartmentalize my life—work had its place, sex had its place, but love? I didn’t know where to put that anymore. Not after my ex. Not after he’d carved it out of me and left me hollow for far too long. Not after he’d put conditions on his love for me—my career or him. Myself or him. Never both.
And even if I knew Axel wasn’t that kind of man...all of my experiences with love revolved around self-sacrifices that ended up doing more harm than good. My mother, chasing too many men to count, had given up her daughter in an attempt to hold on to that love. She’d lost herself to it. I couldn’t do that, but with Axel...it didn’t feel like losing.
Axel grinned down at me, hauling me toward the house.