“Marry me.”
“Because of RJ?” she questions.
I drop down onto the couch next to her. “No, because what we had during our time at the beach house was unlike anything I’ve ever felt. My entire life I’ve always felt different, unsettled. I watched my parents live and love. They would laugh and smile, and there was this… calm about them. Like they were simply content just being. But no matter how much I tried, I couldn’t find what they had. I couldn’t figure out how to settle down.”
“You were married before,” she points out.
“And I was gone more than I was home. I kept searching for that calm, but it felt unattainable. Until you. At the beach house, I was calm, settled. It took everything in me to leave.”
“Ever think it was the beach? That’s why it’s called a vacation house. It’s meant to be relaxing.”
I shake my head, getting frustrated. She doesn’t understand, but I have to make her. “My heart and my head… they’re always racing. I feel antsy in my own body, like I have to keep moving. But when I’m with you…” Fuck, this is going to sound so stupid. “I swear my heart slows down.”
Micaela laughs. “Well, if that isn’t the best pickup line I’ve ever heard.” When I don’t laugh, she stops. “You’re being serious…”
“Yes, the last nine months in Afghanistan… I was losing my mind. All I wanted to do was get back here, back to you. I craved the calm you radiate. It’s like…” I take a deep breath, trying to remain patient. “You center me.”
Micaela nods slowly, trapping her bottom lip between her teeth. “Ryan…”
“Please, baby. Marry me.”
Micaela
“Please, baby. Marry me.”
Ryan wants to marry me. At first I thought he was asking out of obligation because of RJ, but after his speech, I get it. Because I felt it too. Not the same way he explained it, but different. After Ian died, it felt like my heart was torn into a million pieces, but Ryan helped put it back together. He didn’t push me to move forward, but instead walked beside me while I took each step. My heart wasn’t completely put back together, but Ryan showed me that it could still be damaged and work. It would just beat differently, and that’s okay.
The problem is, being with Ryan would mean putting a strain on my heart. And while it’s working fine now, I’m not sure it could take the weight. It’s fragile, barely holding on. I need to handle it with care. Ryan’s in the military and will be leaving soon. It’s the reason I didn’t tell him about RJ. I might be fixed, but I’m not perfect, and I couldn’t handle it if something happened to Ryan over there. And yeah, he’ll be returning in a few months, but then what happens when he leaves again? It takes a certain kind of woman to be married to a man in the military, and that’s not me. I thought I was… until I lost Ian.
“Ryan,” I say slowly, hating that I’m about to hurt him. It means the world to me that he was able to find that calm with me, but I can’t be who he needs, not while trying to be who I need me to be.
Just as I’m about to explain this to him, RJ’s eyes flutter open and his sweet little face contorts into a look of pain. My heart picks up speed in worry.
A soft mewl escapes his puckered lips, getting the nurse’s attention.
“Is something wrong?” I ask nervously.
“He’s hungry,” she says. “The lactation specialist is on her way to answer any questions you have, but if you want, I can show you how to latch him on.”
“Should I… umm… leave…” Ryan mumbles, his face turning a light shade of pink.
I bark out a laugh that has RJ jumping in shock. “Sorry, little guy,” I coo, lowering my gown and exposing my breast to feed him. I read all about breastfeeding, even watched how-to videos.
“What’s so funny?” Ryan asks.
“You.” I bring RJ to my breast and his lips form the cutest little O as he moves his face from side to side trying to find his source of food. When he latches on, his crying immediately stops. “You’re this big, bad, military man, but the mention of me breastfeeding has you freaking out.”
“I wasn’t freaking out,” he argues.
“You were totally blushing.”
Ryan leans in close so nobody else but me can hear him. “I know how it feels to have my lips wrapped around your breast,” he says slowly, a taunting smirk pulling on his lips. “I was just trying to give the little guy some privacy… to eat.”
“Oh my God! Ryan! You’re such a perv!”
RJ jumps again from my loudness, popping off my breast and returning to crying. Shit, I really need to work on my voice level. “Shh… it’s okay,” I tell him softly, lifting my gown back up and lifting him over my shoulder to burp him. Once he burps, I move him to my other breast, latching him on.