I want to pull him back to me and kiss him, get lost in him, but I don’t. Instead, I plaster on a smile and say, “Where to next?”
After we finish our window shopping, we have an amazing seafood lunch (yes, I gave in to eating the poor fish. I’m a horrible person) and then stop to have some ice cream, before we head back to the ferry.
“Where are we going next?” I ask, once we disembark.
Ryan laughs. “Who said anything is next?”
I tilt my head to the side and plant my hand on my hip, popping it out slightly.
“It’s a surprise.”
“I’m starting to really love surprises.”
An hour later, we’re pulling up to the University of San Diego. I’ve never been here in person. The few times I visited Ian, we stayed at the hotel or he showed me around his base.
The campus is beyond gorgeous and massive, way bigger than my university back home. My heart pounds against my chest at the idea of going here. Of following my dreams. It’s one thing to move forward, but to actually see what my future could look like is a whole other story. Which is exactly why I bet Ryan brought me here.
He finds visitor parking and jumps out to pay the meter. I should probably get out, but I’m stuck in my seat. Scared to actually face this dream alone. But then Ryan opens the door, and with a warm smile, extends his hand to help me down, and I take a deep, calming breath. I’m not doing this alone because Ryan is with me. And the thought sends warmth flooding through my body.
I take his proffered hand and jump down. When I land, our bodies collide, chest to chest. He looks into my eyes and I swear there’s something in his. A glint of emotion. A flicker of something more. The spark that could easily turn into a forest fire if we were to stoke it. It’s enough to make me close my eyes and break the connection. Because whatever it is he sees in me, I’m almost certain I wouldn’t have to look hard to see it back. But we can’t do that. That’s not the purpose of our time together. I’m only just finally moving forward and latching onto another man wouldn’t be healthy. Especially a man like Ryan, who admitted he isn’t capable of being a husband or creating a family.
His life is the military, and I would rather spend the rest of my life alone than fall in love with another man who has dedicated his life to serving his country. I get people can die at any moment. They can get hit by a car or have a heart attack. But being in the military—or in Ian’s case, the Navy—means purposely risking your life, and I can’t ever go through what I went through with Ian’s death, again. I not only lost him, but I lost myself. And if it wasn’t for Ryan bringing me back…
“Micaela,” Ryan murmurs, and I realize I’m standing here with my eyes closed. He must think I’ve lost my mind.
“Thank you,” I say, slowly opening my eyes.
He nods once, no doubt understanding that I’m not just talking about him helping me out of the vehicle but everything else he’s done for me in the last twenty-four hours.
Wow, is that all it’s been? Twenty-four hours. It feels way longer than that. It’s probably because I spent the last year keeping myself secluded. I’m out for one day and it feels like it’s been a freaking week.
“What are we doing here?” I ask when he takes my hand in his and walks us toward a huge building.
“You’ll see.”
We walk down a long sidewalk, and I have no idea where we’re going, but Ryan seems to. We step in front of a door that reads: Marine Biology Seminar - Hubbs Hall. Ryan opens the door for me, but I stop in my place, confused.
“We can’t go in there.”
“Yes, we can, and we’re right on time. Go.” He nods toward the entrance, so I walk through. There are dozens if not hundreds of people all over, finding their seats. The room must have three hundred seats. An older gentleman steps up to the podium, just as Ryan and I find our seats in the back, and everyone else quickly finds theirs.
“Good morning, and welcome to the seminar on Oceanography,” the gentleman begins. As he explains the purpose of the seminar today, my heart picks up speed. This seminar is for seniors who are majoring in biology. He discusses the topic and the organ in my chest swells as I imagine myself a couple years from now sitting here, in this very room. The students raise their hands to answer questions, discussing large marine animals’ habitats. Most of what they’re saying goes over my head, but it doesn’t matter. The topic isn’t the point. It’s being here. Where I’m supposed to be. Where I want to be. Where, if it wasn’t for Ryan pushing me to move forward, I’m not sure I would ever be.