When I could have kept my distance, I chose to care for Julianna when she needed me.
And now…
Julianna Spencer was a wicked woman and I had fallen into her trap, not once, but three times. I really was a goddamn fool.
Julianna
Dear husband,
Your absence has made it harder for me.
Though, I never received your love,
Your presence brought me comfort.
Now, I am wounded in silence.
I breathed the scent you left behind,
But even that has faded now.
I grow weaker while I wait for your return.
I mourn your loss,
And my heart no longer feels the need to fight any longer.
I burn in your presence.
I ache in your absence.
I want to see you, one last time.
Before I go…
Before I fade…
Please come back.
- A
It was this very letter from Arabella that changed my focus a week ago. Her words resonated with me and I understood them, on a personal level.
I burned in Killian’s presence and I ached in his absence.
It was ironic how I wanted him to leave, to move on – but when he was doing exactly that, I couldn’t bear to lose him.
Killian told me he hated me. And I believed him.
But as much as he’d want to deny it – he still loved me the same. I felt it in his tender touch while I was sick. Felt it in the way he took care of me, so patiently.
Though he walked away afterward, I already saw what I needed to see. It made me realize two things.
How wrong I had been before, when it came to my atonement.
And how much I needed my husband.
Maybe it was my feverish brain that had triggered something in me. The idea of death used to feel like home to me. Peaceful. But now, it unsettled me.
I wanted to live.
I wanted to fix what I broke.
Not in the twisted and irrational way that I was trying to do before.
But I wanted to fix it, the right way this time around.
Then, I was consumed with self-loathing.
Now, I was consumed with the idea of true salvation. Not the pretty illusion I had been chasing for the last three years.
While I used to find comfort in Arabella’s tragic tale, because of how similar we were. Now, I could clearly read between the lines of her letters. Her unwritten words.
Arabella had wanted to fight for her husband’s love. But she gave up too easily and, in the end, she was left to die alone. When her sickness took over, the Marquees was on an expedition. Too far out of reach.
Arabella died before Elias could come home. She no longer had the energy to fight anymore, no reason to stay alive. And so, she withered without the love of her husband.
The night of the masquerade ball, Killian showed me the mirror of truth, forcing me to take a look at my soul in the reflection.
I didn’t want to be a martyr anymore. To dwell in self-destruction, thinking that this was my only option. To allow the self-loathing to fester inside of me.
I wanted a different story. Not another tragic tale…
I didn’t want a half-written story. I wanted the complete ending. With my newfound conviction, I got ready for the battle of my life.
To win back my husband’s trust and love.
Killian and I were two halves of a ruined soul and I needed to fix what was broken so we could be whole again. That was what Gracelynn would have wanted for me, anyway. To find true solace.
While Killian had been blind before, by his rage and hatred, I was blind with guilt and allowed it to consume, to become one with me until I couldn’t separate myself from that emotion. It clouded my judgment and ended up masking my other feelings.
I folded Arabella’s letters and placed them back in the drawers I found them. It was time to put Arabella’s story away, so I could focus on my own.
It didn’t matter how many similarities I found between us; Arabella wasn’t me and I wasn’t her. Our story was and would be different. Cursed castle or not.
Two hours later, Mirai barged into my private library. Her eyes wide, cheeks flushed and a grin on her face.
“That’s a refreshing look to see. I need some good news, anyway,” I said, placing my book next to me on the window seat. “Go ahead, do tell me. Don’t be shy now.”
“Ragna,” she breathed shakily. “She’s here.”
I reared back at her words, gaping. “What did you just say?”
“Killian brought her back!” Mirai practically screamed in excitement. Before she could even finish her sentence, I was already on my feet and sprinting out of the West wing.
Running through the corridor, past my room and down the stairs. My bare feet padded against the dewy grass as I ran toward the stable.
I came to a halt when I heard Cerberus delighted neigh and then… Ragna’s snort in response. Oh God, that was music to my ears.