How was it possible to love and hate a person with the same passion?
Our story was tarnished with lies, deceit and death. And I didn’t know how to rewrite our story without the tragedy we had already gone through.
When the sun rose, the light shining through her curtains, I pulled my hand away from hers. Julianna slept on, her face serene under the morning light. My body was treacherous, because the moment my eyes slid over her pink lips, the urge to kiss her – to feel her lips on my own after three years – gnawed at me.
It was in that moment that I realized just how weak I was for Julianna Spencer.
I stood up, pushing the chair away. My gaze roamed her sleeping body, lingering over her face. Tattooing the sight of her into my brain. Scars and all.
My chest tightened, but I forced myself to take a step back. To walk away.
Because where there was no trust… there was no love.
And I didn’t know if I would ever love her again, without loathing her to the same degree.
Julianna
Day five and Killian’s absence still gnawed at my insides like an untreated wound, festering pus. It had been five days since I woke up from my seizure. I vaguely remembered Killian staying by my side through the night. Even though I had been drowsy and sleepy, I did wake up a few times in the middle of the night.
And Killian was always there, holding my hand.
But when I regained full consciousness in the morning, he was gone.
And I haven’t seen him since then.
He was still here, in the castle, that I knew. Mirai told me so.
The night of the masquerade ball, most of the guests had left the island. The morning after, I heard that our fathers and the rest of the guests left. So, Isle Rosa-Maria went back to its lonely state once again.
I expected Killian to leave too, especially after knowing my truth. A pang of distress spread through my body at just the mere thought of Killian leaving and never coming back.
He had all the reasons to leave now, to end this ruse. This was what I wanted, anyway. For him to leave. For him to finally walk away from this farce of a marriage and to move on.
But now that it has happened, the despair and agony was almost too much to bear.
Was this what heartbreak felt like?
The kind that kills you from the inside, wrenches your heart from your body and leaves it bleeding at your feet.
The kind that feels like a slow, torturous death.
Because that was exactly what it felt like to watch Killian walk away.
I thought the guilt over my sister’s death was a heavy burden, but God – Killian’s absence in the last five days had left an aching hole in my chest. The sorrow of his loss burrowed itself so deep inside me, I didn’t know how to separate that feeling from my other emotions.
I almost wanted him to barge into my room, to scream at me for all the unfairness. To hate me for my lies. I waited for five days, my eyes on the door, hoping he’d walk through them.
I would bear the brunt of his anger and frustration.
It was my fault, anyway… that we were in this situation.
So I wouldn’t blame him.
Because I’d rather his rage than his silence.
Our love was cursed, to be told like a tragic tale of two lovers never coming together as one. Our story was one of melancholy and self-destruction. Sweet poison, with no real antidote.
How do I fix this?
The pressure in my chest grew heavy and I fisted the blankets, while I forced myself to remember to breathe. My eyes darted around the room, before landing on the stack of unopened letters on my nightstand.
While I haven’t left my room since that night, trying to regain my strength after my epileptic seizure, I had one constant companion. Mirai came to my room every morning, so we’d eat breakfast together and she’d talk non-stop. Telling me about her day, gossiping about the maids and basically recounting anything about everyone who lived in the castle. Past and present.
Mirai was also my unofficial spy. She stalked my husband around the castle, but Killian had also confined himself to his room. He only left for each meal and that was it. There was nothing much for Mirai to report back. But at least I knew he was still here, on the island.
So close, yet so far.
The stack of letters left on my nightstand, was by Mirai. She said she found these in a chest in Arabella’s room. They were from the Marquees of Wingintam – Elias, but though they were old and looked quite rumpled, they were unopened. Mirai left these letters two days ago, but for some reason… I didn’t feel the need to open them.