"Maybe." The playfulness falls from his voice. It's back to soft and sweet. "But I'm not giving him credit."
"That doesn't seem fair."
"What is?"
"True." None of this is fair. Not that I need a pill to feel okay. Not that Grandma is sick. Not that my parents are middle class when Brendon and Emma's are rich.
But it's not fair that their parents are gone. Or that I was born smart. Or with a nice figure.
Or that he's almost mine.
That really isn't fair and it's all in my favor.
"Life isn't fair. But you can't use that as an argument for everything," I say. "Otherwise, what's the point of fairness? Of justice?"
"You're such a smart girl, Kay."
"Why don't I like the sound of that?"
"You should." He intertwines his fingers with mine. "There's nothing you can tell me that will change the way I look at you."
I shake my head. "You can't promise that."
"Maybe I lack imagination, but I can't think of a single thing."
Because he'd never think of this. I have everyone convinced I have my shit together. And, mostly, I do.
It's just, sometimes I don't.
I've been healthy for a long time now. But that can't last forever.
"I don't want you to promise that." It's more that I know he can't. That it will hurt too much if he does. "I don't want you to promise you won't leave. Because you might. And I don't want you to stay out of obligation."
"Kay..."
"Don't tell me there's nothing. Because you don't know what this is."
"Okay." His voice is some tone I've never heard. An understanding one.
He drags his fingertips back up my arm. All the way to my shoulder.
It's funny. I'm naked. I've been naked this whole conversation, but I feel like I'm about to strip out of everything.
This might scare him away.
I might lose him forever.
I suck a breath between my teeth. My exhale is heavy enough my hands shake. No. They're still shaking.
I'm shaking.
"I..." Too many words rise up in my throat. They knock together. They take over my head and my lips and my heart.
Then he's running his fingers through my hair with that impossibly soft touch.
And I'm still terrified to lose him.
But it's scarier, the thought of being alone with this forever.