Am I this out of shape?
Or is Brendon that fit?
We've been working to unpack and put together furniture all afternoon. And it was mostly him. And now he's heading to the gym to lift more heavy things.
How the hell does he have any energy left?
Maybe it's me. That's another side effect. Fatigue.
Only it's also a side effect of my medication.
Do other teenagers feel this heavy all the time?
Are they always wondering if what they're feeling is them or their medications?
Normal is a lost cause. Usually, that doesn't bother me. After all, Emma isn't anywhere near normal. Brendon isn't either. Grandma is a weirdo. My parents, they aren't quite on Grandma's level, but they have their moments.
I just... I want to fit in somewhere. Me. All of me and not just the parts I show everyone.
I want someone to love me, all of me.
Or at least see all of me.
I do a good job keeping up appearances, convincing everyone I have my act together, that everything is okay.
And, mostly, everything is okay. I'm not having an episode. I'm not struggling to drag myself out of bed. I'm not thinking about hurting myself.
I am not happy, not exactly, but I'm okay.
I roll onto my back and stare up at the ceiling. It's still dotted with plastic stars. They're Brendon's. This used to be his room.
They suit him. Specks of brightness that only come out in the dark. That only reveal themselves to people who are patient enough to wait until the lights are off.
I let myself drift into a half sleep and wake to Emma walking through the open door.
She sits on the bed next to me and tugs at the sheets. "I hope you're not naked under there."
"Would you actually care?"
Emma laughs the way she always does, with her entire body. "No. Of course not. I don't want you embarrassed all night. Not with the plans I have for us."
I groan. "Everything hurts."
"Everything? Even your pinkie?"
I nod.
"How about your ass?"
"What?"
She lies on her side, next to me. "Don't worry. I'm planning an epic housewarming party for you. But not tonight."
My exhale is heavier than I mean it to be.
Which only makes Em laugh. "It's at the shop. We'll have snacks. Well, in the lobby. Ryan and Brendon were very clear about their no food near the chairs policy."
"You talked to Ryan to make this happen?"