But I fucking hate it.
Nothing gets her out of my head. Not two hours at the gym. Not three hours practicing. Not a single thriller on my Kindle. Not a walk to pick up takeout from a food truck.
Everything makes me think about Piper.
My entire body aches. My gut is empty. My chest is heavy. I can't remember the last time I felt like this and really felt it.
My thoughts keep flying back to Oxy. That easy, comfortable numb is the only thing that will make this hurt less. And she's the only thing that makes it easier not to crave that comfortable numb.
I dig through my cell until I find my old dealer's number.
I delete it.
Doesn't fucking matter either way. My fingers remember the pattern. Just tapping it into my phone gets my heartbeat calming down. It would be easy. And I don't want to feel this shit. I don't want my head heavy with how badly I hurt her.
Fuck this.
I call Joel instead.
He doesn't deserve my attitude, but I can't be in my big, empty apartment right now.
I don't wait for him to say hello. "You busy?"
"Nice to hear from you, Lockhart."
"Are you?"
"I have a girl coming over."
"Yeah." I shake my head. Fuck, I'm twenty-six. I can't fucking lean on people like this. "I'll—"
"Get on your fucking bike and get over here."
"I don't want—"
"You don't want to use. That's why you called. It's a thirty minute drive. If you aren't here in forty-five, I'm going to be pissed."
"What about—"
"Just fucking get over here."
Joel is usually happy-go-lucky. It's easy to forget he can be a real hard-ass.
But that's exactly what I need right now.
"Thanks." I hang up my phone and go straight to my bike.
By the time our first post-tour banding meeting rolls around, I'm used to being miserable. I'm still spending an absurd amount of time working out and practicing, but I'm balancing it with doing nothing with Joel.
I don't feel any better, but I don't want to numb myself either.
Now that I'm standing outside the Strong house...
Fuck, my entire body is throbbing.
I knock on the door.
A few moments later, Piper pulls it open. Her eyes fill with hurt as they fix on mine.