He looks at me like he's judging my intentions. I guess he deems them acceptable because he smiles. "Good. Mal and I had just joined when things ended between you and me." His voice is even and matter of fact about our breakup. It's like he's reciting a date in history class. "Fans really responded to us on that first tour. People liked what I brought on guitar. And you know the way Mal sings all breathy and needy. Women love it."
I nod. Mal does sound like he's in the middle of fucking a woman when he sings. "He's hot."
Ethan laughs. "We waited until we had a fan base to sign a deal. Put out our first record, toured more, put out our second record. We're finally at the point where we can cut back to touring five months a year instead of eight."
"Yeah?"
He nods.
"Using any of that time to date?" Yet another tactless comment. Awesome.
Ethan laughs. "That was smooth, Vi. Really smooth."
"Thank you." My cheeks are burning.
"No, I don't date."
"No?"
"I fuck. Dating is too much commitment."
"Yeah, right, of course." Again, my stomach twists and my shoulders go tense. What does it matter that Ethan doesn't date? I don't want to date him. I don't.
"What about you?"
"I was seeing someone last year. He wanted to get serious, but I wasn't ready for that."
I study Ethan's expression. His brow twitches. His eyes fill with frustration.
He's jealous.
It's wrong and immature, but I want to make him more jealous. "He was crazy about me. A great guy. A business student, stable, really willing to put me first." Only I didn't feel anything when Denny kissed me. It was nice but that was it. I never craved him. I never missed him. I never came close to loving him. He was a great guy but he wasn't Ethan.
"That's great." Ethan tries not to clench his teeth but he doesn't quite pull it off. "How is school?"
His brow stays furrowed.
He's really jealous.
But I'm going to take him at his word about this just friends thing. Even if it's making me feel sick.
I tell him everything I can about my classes. School is going well, great actually. I'm top of my class, I've done amazing internships. I'm graduating in a few months.
My professional life is amazing. I spend most of my time studying.
Ethan seems happy for me, but that doesn't make sense either.
He stared at my acceptance letter like it was radioactive and now he's happy I'm doing well in school?
I try to push it aside. I try to focus on keeping things platonic as I shift the conversation to sci-fi TV and which of the guys in Dangerous Noise is most likely to be a Cylon—a robot posing as a human (obviously Mal or Kit)—but I keep getting lost in his soft lips and his gorgeous blue eyes.
My gaze keeps drifting to the chest-piece tattoo poking out from his v-neck.
My hands keep begging me to touch him.
After dinner, we walk back to the venue and we hang out in an empty corner, alone, until it's time for him to get ready. Just like old times, I hang out on the sidelines. The band has gained an entourage, but no one pays me much attention. Except for Piper hugging both of us goodbye, nobody talks to us.
I'm in my own universe. My problems feel far away. The weight of Asher's death feels far away. Everything except Ethan’s smile feels far away.