Fuck, I'm an asshole.
It's possible she's better off without me. But there's no way in hell I'm better off without her.
All day, I stay off some other place. We finish rehearsal, wait around in separate rooms, and perform for a live studio audience. I can see people cheering and clapping and screaming out our lyrics, but it doesn't stir me the way it usually does.
After we finish, a production assistant shepherds us to a dressing room. We're to wait until the producers look over the footage to make sure it's usable.
The room is an average dressing room. It's got a vanity, four hair and makeup chairs, and a table piled with snacks and beverages. It's a nice size but it's far too small for the hostility between Mal and Joel.
Joel grabs a bottle of water and rubs his temples. Another hangover. You'd think he'd know his limits by now.
Most days, I'd throw out a joke about it. Right now, it doesn't feel worth the effort.
Joel takes a seat in one of the makeup chairs. Kit does the same, only he directs his attention to his e-reader.
Mal reaches for the door. "I'm gonna grab Stacey."
Joel's eyes narrow. He shakes it off. "Valentine with your fuck buddy?"
Mal shakes his head.
Joel rubs his temples. "Where is Valentine?" He looks to me. "Strong, don't fucking tell me she's not here."
I say nothing.
Joel stares daggers at Mal. "Oh, was she getting in the way, too?"
"Violet is like a sister to me," Mal says.
"Never see your sister around. That's not helping your case," Joel says.
"Don't need you falling on this sword for me," Kit mutters.
"Yeah, well I'm not doing shit for you, Rhythmic One. This is fucking personal." Joel looks at me. "You gonna fucking say anything?"
"You're doing a bang-up job speaking for me." My shoulders clench up, but this isn't Joel's fault. Or Mal's fault. It's my fault. Should say as much. "Mal left it up to me. I choose to be here."
Joel's brow screws with confusion.
"Mal didn't do shit. This was all me," I say. "I fucked everything up."
"Why the fuck would you choose this over the woman you've been pining over for the last two years?" Joel asks.
Because music is all I'm good at. Music is what makes me happy. Music is everything.
It feels like nothing right now.
Feels empty if I can't share it with Violet.
Despite my insistence Mal isn't at fault, Joel continues staring daggers at my brother. Mal stares back with the same don't fuck with me attitude.
Might not know how to fix shit with Violet, but I can do something to fix this.
"Enough of this fucking animosity," I say. "Joel, Kit, you're family as much as Mal is. I trust both of you with my life. Let's stop this bullshit."
Joel and Mal hold their stares.
Kit pushes himself up from his chair. He looks at Mal. "I get why you don't trust me. Don't blame you for that. But fuck you for sneaking around behind my back."