h of your effect on me has to do with how you look and how much is just your presence, your demeanor?”
He kept playing. “And what did you decide?”
“I’m not sure how to separate all the parts of you. I’m not sure about a lot of things.”
He stopped playing and looked at her hand resting on the edge of the piano. He spoke softly, for her ears only.
“Sometimes I curse the bonds of propriety. Sometimes I long to just reach out and hold you.”
Charlotte’s mouth opened, her bosom rose up with a deep breath, and she felt as if her heart were trying to escape that cage. Not a part of her remained numb.
“Charlotte!” said Miss Charming. “Charlotte, come see the illustration in this old book. We can’t tell if it’s supposed to be a dog or a rat.”
In a haze, Charlotte went to Miss Charming and Miss Gardenside, put in her vote for rat, and then turned to see that Mr. Mallery had disappeared.
She went to her room that night half expecting him to knock at her door. He didn’t.
Home, before
Charlotte’s teen years felt as long as a lifetime. Her true self, her glassed-in helpless self, mouthed silent warnings while teenage Charlotte blundered ahead, making mistake after mistake (e.g., Robbie, Howie, the guy at the fish fry, Pep Club, stirrup pants …).
Each year older was a victory, but by age twenty, she didn’t yet feel cleansed of immaturity. The confidence wasn’t there, and the way from her mind to her tongue was still a dangerous path.
Finding James had been such a relief! He was levelheaded, marriageable, and had a calming presence that helped her feel less dunderheaded. She married impatiently at twenty-three and seized on an early pregnancy as a way to finally rid herself of her youth. A mother is mature. A mother must be mature. Now that she was grown and married, all her troubles would be over.
Austenland, day 7
Charlotte didn’t go to breakfast the next morning. She was likely to see Mr. Mallery, and after his declaration last night at the piano bench, what could she say? And how would she feel? Austen’s book-induced sensations had felt safe, at least. The Mallery-induced sensations most definitely did not. She wanted it—and she didn’t. She was determined to let herself fall in pretend-love, but not just yet. Too fast! Too scary!
So what now? She was standing in the hallway looking at the ceiling when Eddie came up the stairs.
“What does this determined expression on your face mean?” he asked.
“I was psyching myself to go back up to the secret room.”
“I see. Have you always been so tenacious?”
“No.”
“Well then, little sister, I am honored to witness this unexpected growth spurt. But I think I ought to be with you whenever you engage yourself in these diabolical investigations. You may need my protection from phantasms and assassins.”
The secret chamber was not an easy place to look for clues, heaped as it was with furniture and boxes and stacks of things. She combed the sofa, looking for any telltale hair or ripped cloth, drops of blood or hidden daggers, maybe a convenient letter of confession from the pretend killer. But there was nothing obvious. Why did Colonel Andrews make things so hard?
“Are you sure Andrews meant for you to investigate this room?” Eddie asked, playing with the fencing foil again behind a tower of chairs. He scooted back and forth in lunge position.
“Wow, you look deadly,” said Charlotte.
“Really?” He wore a hopeful smile.
She snorted. Eddie was more friendly dog than ravenous wolf.
“Laugh at me, but someday I will be the world’s greatest swordsman, and you will come to me in tears. ‘Dear brother, forgive the insolence of my youth! I see now that you are indeed a deadly and formidable man, and I was so wrong to scoff.’ ”
“I bet you haven’t changed much in the past twenty years,” she said.
“So you have forgiven and forgotten my dastardly, selfish youth? Wonderful news. But truly, what do you expect to find here?”
“I don’t know.” She was examining various dust collectors on a small table. A black Chinese vase with a lid seemed to scream, I HOLD A CLUE! but it proved empty. “Colonel Andrews hinted to look on the second floor, and after I discovered this room, he confirmed that a key to his mystery is in here.”