She hadn’t considered failing. And in not considering it, had not thought of the harm she could cause if she did fail.
She had hurt not just him, but her father as well. Two men who had forged a bond in pain years before were now no longer friends. The two men she loved most in the world had been irreversibly hurt by her foolish actions.
And she was alone.
A dry sob tore at her chest at the thought. She now slept alone, she wept alone.
Drawing in a deep breath she turned back to her bedroom, considering it as she had been for most of the morning. Her mother had suggested refurnishing her suite, changing it. But perhaps it was time for more.
She had lived with her parents all her life. After finishing school, she had come home, unwilling to commit herself to college at that time, eager to be the adult she thought she was. She had built her life around her dreams of Ian, and now that life no longer existed. It was time to build a new one.
It wouldn’t be as fine as the one she felt she could have had with him. The laughter and heat, the sharing. She could have grown in his arms, become anything she wanted to become and still be Ian’s woman. She had known that. She had thought there was time to make the decision of where her education would continue, and how she would fill her life.
Perhaps, rather than refurnishing, it was time she left instead. Time she forced herself to step away from the protection and the love her parents’ home afforded her, and forge her own life.
She had a multitude of things she enjoyed. Decorating, training the horses on her father’s estate for the competitions they were often entered in, she even liked the charity work she often helped her mother with. She could turn any o
f those into a career.
She especially enjoyed…Ian.
It seemed there were more tears after all. Another slid down her cheek as the loss threatened again to overwhelm her.
“No more tears,” she chastised herself severely as she moved to her closet. “Change instead. ”
Change required energy. It forced one to stay busy, to push all other things to the rear and focus solely on what must be done. It was the only answer to the life she now faced. She had accepted, at least for now, until she could cope with losing everything she had believed would be hers, she would be alone. But that didn’t mean she had to wallow in the pain, nor did she have to let it worsen.
She pulled a chic dark gray dress from the closet along with matching pumps. She would need her own apartment, a place of her own. Then she would enroll in college as her father kept encouraging her to do. She would slowly rebuild her life. It wasn’t her dream, but it would do.
As she laid the dress over the bed, a soft knock at her bedroom door interrupted her thoughts.
“Come in,” she called out, watching warily as the door opened and her father stepped into the room.
He was a handsome man for his age. Still well-developed, his sandy blond hair as thick as ever, his gray eyes turbulent. He had always been her strength as she grew up. Ready to protect her, to guide her, or merely to laugh with her. She had always believed there could never be a man more perfect than he was. Except Ian.
“Going out?” He glanced at the dress, moving further into her room as she watched him, aware that letting her go would be difficult for him.
He had so loved and spoiled her, all her life. He had taught her many of her greatest accomplishments and had cheered her on ahead of everyone else. He had taught her confidence, taught her strength. He had helped her find the best of what she was inside herself.
“Yes. ” She glanced at the dress, then back to him. “I’m going apartment hunting. ”
She didn’t have to imagine how it would affect him. His eyes instantly darkened with an instinctive protest as his big body tensed. He couldn’t know how hard it was for her as well, though. Leaving the only security she had known besides Ian’s arms, would be one of the hardest things she had ever done.
“A rather sudden decision, isn’t it?” he growled. “No one has asked you to move out. ”
“I know, Daddy. ” She smiled softly. “It’s just time, I think. Perhaps it’s time for college as well. ” She shrugged restlessly. “I can’t spend my days just drifting. And after so many parties, it becomes rather boring. I…I need something more…” She glanced away from him, unwilling to look as she hurt him further.
“You can live here and go to college,” he suggested.
She could, but living with her parents wouldn’t accomplish the growth she needed. She needed to learn how to dream dreams that didn’t include Ian. She couldn’t do that here, where all her dreams of him had begun.
“No. ” She breathed in deeply. “I need to be on my own, I think. It’s time I grow up. ”
How a woman who had indulged sexually as she had with Ian could utter those words, she wasn’t certain. She felt ages old. And yet, as uncertain now as she had felt during the time her parents had been apart.
He lowered his head, pushing his hands forcefully into the pockets of his slacks as he nodded slowly.
“It’s hard, letting you go. ” He cleared his throat, staring around the room as he blinked several times. Hard. “Hard to let go of the years I lost and remember you’re not a baby anymore. ”