I lay in bed late into the night though, trying to erase the photo from my mind. Trying to erase the feeling that we had more in common than dirt poor beginnings.
* * *
I was really tired the next day and dragged myself to rehearsals in a funk. I avoided Grégoire and hid out in my dressing room until Elinor arrived, at which point I grabbed my pointe shoes and settled on the floor in the hall. I buried my face in the newspaper, working on the crossword puzzle. I was just tying my shoes, trying to figure out a nine letter word for love, when I saw a pair of expensive loafers come to a stop on the floor beside me.
Holy shit.
I looked up at him. My heart pounded in my chest and I had to make myself breathe.
“Hello, Lucy,” he said.
“Hello, Mr. Norris.”
He frowned a little. “How did you know my name?”
“How did you know mine?” I said right back, before the politeness filter in my brain kicked into gear.
He laughed. “Please call me Matthew.”
“Okay, Matthew.” But it felt strange to call him Matthew. He looked like someone I should call Mr. Norris, especially looking down his nose at me as he was. I looked back at my puzzle and recommenced tying my shoes. My heart was beating so hard I was sure he would hear it.
“You can do that without even looking.” He sounded impressed.
“Yes. I’ve tied these shoes thousands of times.”
I looked up again and he smiled down at me, and I hated how I felt under that breathtaking smile. He offered me his hand.
“We haven’t met properly, have we?”
I stood up then because he expected me to. It’s more accurate to say that he pulled me up, although he did it so naturally that there was no hint of force. But I came to my feet as if something propelled me, and what propelled me was his large, impossibly strong hand. He introduced himself formally, in a deep voice that held only a trace of Midwestern accent.
“Matthew Norris. I’m a big fan of your dancing.”
“Lucy Merritt,” I replied. “Merritt with two t’s.”
That seemed to amuse him and he smiled.
“It’s nice to meet you, Lucy Merritt with two t’s.”
I stood there feeling ridiculous, seeing Grégoire out of the corner of my eye, and a few other dancers eavesdropping on our conversation like a bunch of gossip whores.
“So what are you doing here again?” I asked, a little peevishly. “Don’t you work?”
“Oh, yeah, I work,” he said, and the smile he gave me then didn’t quite reach his eyes.
“A busy patron of the arts... So you’re here checking out your investment?”
“One of them, yes.”
I looked down at my feet, hating the blush in my cheeks. I was irritated that he made me feel this way. I couldn’t quite believe he’d come out and said that to me, especially with half the company watching.
“I find your dancing very inspirational,” he continued. You’re a true pleasure to watch.”
“Thank you,” I mumbled to the floor.
“Am I making you uncomfortable?”
“A little.” I looked pointedly at the dancers milling around.
“I’m harmless, I promise.” He leaned closer and I had to look up at him, look in those piercing eyes that seemed far from harmless to me. “I just appreciate a thing of beauty when I see it, Lucy Merritt.”
I panicked. I threw a glance at the other dancers and blushed an even deeper shade of red.
“I’m not a thing,” I finally managed to say. “And I have to go to class now. Excuse me.” I didn’t wait for a reply, just shouldered my bag and practically ran down the hall. And prayed, really prayed that he wouldn’t be watching class today. Thankfully he wasn’t, although Grégoire frowned at me from across the barre.
“What is wrong with you?” he sniped while we stretched. “You really pissed him off, you know.”
“So what? He’s a big boy.”
“Yes, he’s a very big boy and he just donated a lot of money to the theater.”
“So that means he can take his pick of the dancers?”
“Oh, come on. He’s interested in you. What’s so bad about that?”
“He’s weird, G!”
“No, he’s not. I talked to him after you left. He’s a really nice guy. I tried to defend you, you know. I told him you were actually a pretty nice person. Which you used to be.”
“I don’t need you apologizing on my behalf. Anyway, he called me a thing.”
“He was complimenting you, Lucy. I heard the whole conversation, believe me.”
“Well, he looked at me like I was a thing. Like I was his thing. Just because he donates money to the company—”
“Oh, Jesus. A rich guy wants to ask you out. Cry me a river! Don’t you see? This is what you need right now, a nice sugar daddy rebound romance.” I stretched with punchy intensity, leaning over to touch each toe. What I needed was for him to shut up, which he never seemed to do. “I don’t need anything right now, okay? No men, no dates, no rich creepy guys looking down their noses at me.”
“Whatever.” He did some effortless jumps, then leaned down to hug his ankles with a sigh.
“Lucy, I love you,” he said, his voice muffled by his shins. “Don’t be mad at me. I just want you to be happy again.”
“I love you too, G,” I finally muttered. “And I am happy,” I lied.
Chapter Two: Gala
Mr. Norris did not return to the theater the rest of the week, or at least if he did, I didn’t see him. I wondered if he’d call me. I was sure he could get my number if he wanted to. But he didn’t and I felt foolish for expecting it. Why would he call when I’d been such a raving bitch to him? I felt partly guilty and partly relieved that he’d disappeared. And yes, partly disappointed, if I was honest with myself. But I didn’t dwell on him. I threw myself into my dancing. Harder, faster, more expressive. I pushed my body to quiet my mind.
Georges came back into town after the weekend and he and Grégoire had a passionate reunion. I found myself again on my own every night after work. I had other friends I could have gone out with, but instead I kept to myself. I felt confused about Mr. Norris, and now abandoned too. Abandoned by Grégoire and abandoned by him. I left the performance each night in a funk and retreated to my depressing apartment, alone.
I rented a room in part of a gentrified house, a charming old mansion that had been sliced and diced into lots of tiny efficient apartments. They were all weirdly shaped, and some had kitchens in the bedrooms. My room didn’t even have a bedroom. It was just one large, odd shaped room. From the outside, the house was a beautiful house. But the inside was not beauti
ful at all, just strange. I often thought it was just like people, just like me. Beautiful and impressive on the outside, but sliced and diced and strange within.
So it seemed appropriate for me to occupy this ugly house that, from the outside, appeared lovely and perfect. I stayed in that pathetic little apartment even though I hated it. I stayed long past the time I should have moved on. At least it was cheap and convenient to the theater. If I got out on time, I felt pretty safe walking home. If I got out too late, when the crowds had already thinned, I usually took a cab the few blocks. There were bars and restaurants all around and when they closed, drunk men poured into the streets. Not that I was afraid of a few drunk men, but they could be scary in the wrong time and place.
All that depressing week, during the day, we rehearsed hard for the Gala. We had two Galas a year, one in the fall and one in the spring. It was early October now, chilly weather and brown leaves blowing in the street, so Gala was in the air. Some of the dancers really got into it and worked with the office staff on themes and decorations. They brought in caterers, florists and planners, and in the end it was always a grand and impressive night.
The Gala was an opportunity for the richies to come out to see us. To rub elbows with us and make us feel like whores. They paid for some time with us, forced intimacy, and they got it because money can talk. It’s not like they expected a lap dance or anything. Most of the big money patrons were white-haired old couples, so a lap dance probably would have finished them off. But it just felt icky in a way, to smile and socialize with them those two nights a year.
Socialize with people we had nothing in common with except that they gave us money to do what they liked. But that was the life of the modern dancer and we were contractually obligated to participate and smile. The theater buzzed with plans and preparation while I obsessed privately about blue eyes and a hand on my elbow.
This fall it was to be a Greek theme. Grégoire and I rehearsed a new work that we would perform exclusively for the guests. I found myself getting caught up in the piece as we rehearsed.