“Yes,” she says, half-saying it and half-breathing it, her eyes flashing with desire. “Yes, I want it. It’s alright.”
“No, I mean…” I pause and wipe a hand across my forehead, catching my breath still. “I mean, are you sure you want to do it here?”
“Yes,” she says again, so quickly that I think she can’t possibly have thought it through. Not the question I’m really asking her. Because this is happening. This is just a question of location.
“Are you sure?” I ask again. “I can take you back home. To my place. It will be even more private there, you know. No risk of anyone seeing us at all. No sticky cushions that someone else has… well, I guess we have no way of knowing what someone else has done here.”
“I don’t know,” she says, sounding dazed. “I… I don’t know where I want to go.”
I smile. She sounds as out of it as I feel, driven half-mad by lust, by the feel of her in my hands. “Well, how do you like it? Do you like the risk? Does that turn you on?”
“I don’t know,” she says again, sounding desperate. “I have no idea what I like or how I want it – I – I’ve never done anything like this before – I…”
“You mean, you’ve never come close in a public place like this?” I ask, reaching out for her hand, hoping that I can provide some grounding for her obviously scattered thoughts.
“I’ve never had -”
She stops herself with a wild look, throwing her hand over her mouth.
Wait.
She doesn’t mean…?
“You’ve never had sex?” I guess, my heart leaping into my throat.
Mutely, she shakes her head. There’s a look in her eyes that mixes shame, apology, fear, doubt and excitement and so many other things I can’t name. Like she can’t believe she’s admitting it, but she hopes it doesn’t matter.
But it does matter. Of course, it matters. How could she think that it wouldn’t?
“This changes everything,” I say, making myself let go of her hand and scoot away on the cushions so we are no longer in close contact.
She makes a noise in the back of her throat and reaches for me, but I stop her and push her hand away. I shake my head when she raises her eyebrows and tries again.
Everything is different now, and I can’t just go on like we were before.
Chapter Twenty-One
Candy
Deep hurt stabs into my chest, seizing me up with pain. What? Just that – that little thing? That’s enough to make him want nothing more to do with me – just because I saved myself until now?
“I-I’m sorry,” I stutter, pulling my dress back into place, all too aware that I was showing just a little too much. “I shouldn’t have said anything.”
“Of course, you should have,” he says. “I needed to know. This isn’t the kind of thing you should keep a secret.”
“But…” I screw my face up, trying not to cry. “I’ve ruined everything.”
“No, you haven’t.”
I look up in surprise. What is he talking about? If he no longer wants to have sex with me, then, of course, I’ve ruined everything. Oh, why did he have to stop? Why couldn’t he just carry on and then ask the questions later, when it was already done?
“You can’t ruin anything,” he says, reaching for my hand again. But this time, it’s different, he doesn’t grab me with passion and surges toward me, locking onto my lips. He takes it gently and with tender care. “I almost did. If I had carried on… there’s absolutely no way I’m taking your virginity in the back of some seedy club. You deserve far better than that.”
“… What?” I say, stunned by his words. Does this mean…?
“I want to do right by you, in all ways,” he says. “That means making sure you have the best possible time, always. And for your first time – that’s so important. We can’t just do it like this. It has to be special.”
“I’ve never been in a private room at a club,” I protest. “That feels pretty special to me.”
He chuckles. “Maybe. But for me, this is just… normal. I have enough money to give you this every single time we ever come to a club, Candy. That’s not special enough. You deserve something really special.”
“Like what?” I ask. “I can’t imagine…”
“Well, don’t worry, because I can.” His thumb comes up and traces over my lips, still feeling hot and swollen from our kisses. “I can picture it all. And I’ll make it happen for you. This weekend – we can go somewhere together. That way, we can be out in the open when we date, instead of having to hideaway. We can live freely for the weekend. And I’ll give you what you want. You just have to wait a couple of days.”