She usually does.
Tonight’s different. Maybe because I openly confessed to thinking about a drink. Maybe she doesn’t want to put me in a position where I have to tell her no.
Lily plops down on the couch like its normal for her to be more interested in the television than the bedroom. “I think they’re playing Thor on HBO,” she says, leaning over to grab the remote. My eyes drop to her knees, squeezed tight together. Yeah, she’s struggling.
After pouring through all those memories, we both deserve a release. I mentally file through the therapist’s blacklist. I’ve reread it enough times that every word is engrained in my head.
No masturb**ion.
No porn.
No public sex.
Stop when your partner stops. Helpful tips: Start with timing your sessions and have a set hour dedicated to sex. For the first few months stick to positions that won’t elicit increased arousal after a cli**x. (This is subjective and you will have to experiment to discover what triggers you to keep going.)
Only engage in sex when both you and your partner want to. Helpful tip: Let your partner choose the time.
Healthy amounts – sex cannot interfere with daily routines. Helpful tip: Keep to morning and night schedules.
I know Lily thinks there are stipulations like banning anal and bl*w j*bs. I’ve had lengthy conversations on the phone with Allison, discussing how far I should take Lily. We still have to be intimate, and banning sexual positions won’t help that. So Allison and I agreed that the goal is to get Lily to a point where she doesn’t expect sex.
Not asking me for sex is a good first step, and I want to reward her for it. But I also fear that she’ll catch on to this. Over time she may pretend to be uninterested so she’ll get a lay out of me. The point is to make her stop thinking and wanting sex—not devising strategies to get it.
Considering my mind circulates around hunting for a bottle of something alcoholic, I understand it’s not a simple task.
“Ah, yes!” Lily says excitedly. “We didn’t miss the part with Sif.” Her eyes flicker to me briefly before they return to the TV. “You think we should go to Comic-Con this year? We can dress up as Thor and Sif.”
I sit down next to her on the couch, giving her a cushion worth of distance. I catch the instant frown in her eyes but it disappears when she focuses on the movie.
“I don’t think I’d look good as a blond,” I tell her.
She appraises my hair and then her eyes drop, lingering as she takes in my other features. She’s stared at me so hard for the past couple weeks that I’m fairly certain in a year she could recall every freckle by memory. Her throat bobs as she swallows. “I…yeah, umm…blond…no,” she stammers before turning back to the movie.
“How about we go as Loki and Sif?” I suggest.
She hesitates a moment before shaking her head. Her eyes meet mine again, and this time they stay right there. “How about Hellion and X-23?”
She never wants to dress up in the X-23 costume. It’s skimpy black leather that exposes her entire midriff, and I practically have to beg her to cosplay my favorite mutant couple. She’s offering this to me, and for some reason I have the sudden urge to take her right here.
So I do.
I bridge the distance between us and my lips find hers.
Her surprise stiffens her shoulders and freezes her arms, and I edge her mouth open, slipping my tongue inside. She wakes up, her hands swooping around my neck. I smile against her soft lips. My girlfriend is like a raunchy Sleeping Beauty, reanimating from a deep-throated kiss.
I run my tongue along the base of her neck, and she begins to writhe underneath me. She’s unlike any girl I’ve ever been with. Little things set her off as if her body is made of a thousand nerves. She responds to every touch and lick like they’re each the peak she wishes to reach.
Her hands fly towards my pants, and I have to grab them before she does anything. A moan escapes her lips, and her spine curves, her body arching towards me. I lift her up beneath her arms, and her legs instantly wrap around my waist. I press a strong kiss to her lips, inhaling the vanilla scent of her hair.
Even midway in the air, she starts to grind against me. She has to feel that I’m hard, but I need her to keep her hands off me. I have self-control, but it flits away whenever she starts rubbing against my cock.
I set her down on the rug, the couch to our left. My lips slowly brush the top of her ear, my teeth barely skimming the tenderness of her skin. She lets out a sharp gasp.
“Easy, love,” I breathe. She settles again and I start, ever so slowly, undressing her. The light touch of the fabric sends her off as the shirt grazes up her belly and over her head. As I go for her jeans, she tries to sit up and touch me, but I put my hand on her shoulder, forcing her back to the floor again and give her a disapproving look.
She breathes heavily, and I wait to unbutton her until she nods, accepting that she must stay still.
When she does, I fish the button through the hole and slowly unzip. As I slide her jeans below her hips, down her thighs, I drink in her body and the way she responds to me. The little cries, the twitches of her legs and the curl of her toes. Every motion is filled with beauty that she won’t ever understand. It makes me aware of how alive she is.
After tossing her jeans to the side, I kiss the tops of her br**sts, and she shudders against me. I run my teeth playfully over her bra straps, and her chest rises and falls in quick succession, eager and wanting.
“Lo,” she moans.
I stifle a groan in my throat, and I unclip her bra, freeing her of the clothing. And then I gently slip her panties down and off her ankles. While doing so, I lightly brush my fingers across the wet spot between her legs, so brief and powerful that the sensation immediately jolts her body. I have to remind her to stay still again.
“Lo, please,” she says, her voice raw and raspy.
I kiss those reddened lips, and then stand to my feet, leaving her bare and nak*d on the living room floor. Her eyes widen in horror, thinking I’m no longer going to f**k her.
“I’ll be right back, love,” I say quickly, wanting that look to disappear from her face. “I have to get a condom…and lube.” I grin at this, and I wait a second to watch her expression flip.
Her whole face lights up with delight. “But…I thought…” she starts.
I’m already backing away towards the bedroom. My dick feels like it might explode any minute, and I can’t prolong waiting much longer to get my own f**king release. Fear crosses me for a brief second, realizing I’m leaving her nak*d, horny, and alone.
Halfway up the stairs, she’s still watching me but her hands have edged closer and closer to the inside of her thighs. “Don’t f**k yourself,” I say roughly. “Or else I won’t f**k you.” It’s a threat I don’t like giving, considering my own arousal has almost peaked. I want to shove my c*ck inside her right now.
She nods eagerly, and I accept it, trying desperately to put faith in her. I just need her to be strong, but I know masturb**ion is one of her compulsions.
After reaching the second floor, I enter the darkened bedroom and quickly fumble around the desk drawer, grabbing a pack of condoms and lube. I haven’t used up either in two weeks, which should be a record for us.
When I return to the living room, I find Lily still lying on the rug but she covers her face with her hands. She’s concentrating too hard to hear me come in, and I take the time to kick off my pants and pull off my shirt. I lie down beside her and rub the top of her head easily. Her hands slide down, exposing her face and her eyes and the look that says, f**k me now.
“Lo, I almost touched myself.”
I kiss her forehead and take one of her hands in mine. “But you didn’t.”
She shakes her head. “But I want to…so badly,” she admits. “I can’t remember what I feel like. Isn’t that weird? That’s weird, right? I mean it’s my body, but I’m not allowed to touch really, and I…I…”
Jesus Christ. I take her in my arms, and she buries her head into my chest, near tears. This is not going as planned, and I feel like it’s partly my fault. I shouldn’t have left her alone and given her the opportunity to crawl inside her head. Maybe I can fix this.
“It’s okay, Lil,” I whisper. “If you want to touch yourself, just ask me.”
With her hand in mine, I guide it down her stomach, past her belly button and in between her legs. She gasps as I rub her fingers over her cl*t and then down farther, letting her feel how wet she has become.
“Better?” I ask, pulling her hand and glistening fingers back up to her chest.
She nods, her shoulders relaxing, and I kiss the base of her neck.
I turn her on her side and lie right against her back. I can almost see her start to smile.
I rip the condom package.
“Can I put it on you?” she asks hopefully, hearing the paper tear.
“If you can do it quickly,” I tell her, wanting to be inside of her more than she probably even knows. She flips over to face me, and I hand her the condom. Her eyes drop to my c*ck and I watch her entire expression practically glow. Her happiness is easy to bring, which I suppose is the problem, but I relish in sending her body into shockwaves and seeing her face lit up like the city.
Not listening to me, she gently and slowly rolls the condom on my dick. I let out a heavy breath and then groan. Dear God. “Faster, Lil,” I demand.
Her eyes flicker up, surprisingly, since it takes her great effort to look anywhere but my dick at times. She gives me a doe-eyed look and I can’t help but smile, yet I don’t give in. “Faster,” I repeat, stretching out the syllables.
She finishes rolling the condom up my shaft and then reaches for the lube. I grab her wrist and motion for her to turn around. I know she wants to be in control. I know she misses it. But she has to make me believe she can be on top and not get carried away. Right now, she’s not even close to being able to handle that type of position without going crazy.
Before she flips over, she bends down and places a soft kiss on the head of my cock. Then she rolls onto her side, sticking out her ass for me.
I rub some lube on, and she squirms a little, but I hold her steady. My c*ck throbs and I know I can’t hold out on going nice and slow. So when I have her ready, I thrust inside of her as fast and deep as I can without hurting her.
She lets out a long pleasurable moan and begins to writhe again. But I hold her tight, one arm around her neck and the other around her waist, grabbing her breast as I start pumping inside of her. Every thrust sends waves of ecstasy crashing through my c*ck and it feels too good to even stop for a second. I quicken my pace, her moans and half-screams perpetuating my speed.
Within another few minutes, I can feel her reach her edge. I move faster and harder, closing my eyes as I try not to release. And after my hand descends between her legs, her body convulses in waves of pleasure. She shakes with each intense tremor, and then her breath comes out ragged and heavy.
I pull out, still hard and aching, and toss the condom off. Her eyes are heavy, but she reaches out to me. Quickly, I roll her onto her back and grab her leg, bringing it up over my shoulder. The new position reinvigorates her energy and her eyes hit mine. With one swift motion, I’m inside her soaked p**sy and she’s bucking up her hips.