Sometimes there was the pure, primal pain of grief; and other times there was anger, the frantic desire to claw and hit and kill; and sometimes, like right now, there was just this ordinary, dull sensation, settling itself softly, suffocatingly over her like a heavy fog.
She was just so damned sad.
Chapter forty-six
‘Hello,’ said Felicity.
Tess smiled at her. She couldn’t help it. It was like the way you automatically say thank you to a police officer who is handing you a speeding ticket you don’t want and can’t afford. She was automatically happy to see Felicity, because she loved her, and she looked so nice, and because a lot had been happening to her over the last few days, and she had so much to tell her.
In the very next instant she remembered, and the shock and betrayal felt brand new. Tess battled a desire to fly at Felicity, to knock her to the ground and scratch and pummel and bite. But nice, middle-class women like Tess didn’t behave like that, especially not in front of their impressionable small children; so she did nothing except lick her greasy lips from the buttery hot cross buns and move forward in her chair, tugging at the front of her pyjama top.
‘What are you doing here?’ she asked.
‘I’m sorry for just . . .’ Felicity’s voice disappeared on her. She tried to clear her throat and said huskily, ‘. . . turning up like this. Without calling.’
‘Yes, it might have been better if you had called,’ said Lucy. Tess knew her mother was trying her best to look forbidding but she just looked distraught. In spite of all the things she’d said about Felicity, Tess knew that Lucy loved her niece.
‘How is your ankle?’ Felicity asked Lucy.
‘Is Dad coming too?’ said Liam.
Tess straightened. Felicity met her eyes and quickly looked away. That’s right. Ask Felicity. Felicity would know what Will’s plans were.
‘He’s coming soon,’ Felicity told Liam. ‘I’m not actually staying long. I just wanted to talk to your mum first, about a few things, and then I’ve got to go. I’m, ah, going away, actually.’
‘Where to?’ asked Liam.
‘I’m going to England,’ said Felicity. ‘I’m going to do this amazing walk. It’s called the coast-to-coast walk. And then I’m going to Spain, and America – well, anyway, I’m going to be away for quite a long time.’
‘Are you going to Disneyland?’ asked Liam.
Tess stared at Felicity. ‘I don’t get it.’ Was Will going with her on some romantic adventure?
Red painful blotches stained Felicity’s neck. ‘Could you and I talk?’
Tess stood up. ‘Come on.’
‘I’ll come too,’ said Liam.
‘No,’ said Tess.
‘You stay out here with me, darling,’ said Lucy. ‘Let’s eat chocolate.’
Tess took Felicity to her old bedroom. It was the only door with a lock. They stood next to her bed, looking at each other. Tess’s heart hammered. She hadn’t realised that you could spend your whole life looking at the people you loved in an oblique, half-hearted way, as if you were deliberately blurring your vision, until something like this happened, and then just looking at that person could be terrifying.
‘What’s going on?’ said Tess.
‘It’s over,’ said Felicity.
‘Over?’
‘Well, it never got started really. Once you and Liam were gone it just –’
‘Wasn’t as thrilling any more?’
‘Can I sit down?’ said Felicity. ‘My legs are shaking.’
Tess’s legs were shaking too.
She shrugged. ‘Sure. Sit.’
There was nowhere to sit but the bed or the floor. Felicity sank to the floor. She sat cross-legged with her back against the chest of drawers. Tess sat also, with her back against the bed.
‘Still the same rug.’ Felicity put her hand on the blue and white rug.
‘Yep.’ Tess looked at Felicity’s slim legs and fine-boned wrists. She thought of the little fat girl who had sat in that exact same position so many times throughout their childhood. Her beautiful green almond eyes shining out from her plump face. Tess had always known there was a fairy princess trapped in there. Perhaps Tess had liked the fact that she was trapped.
‘You look beautiful,’ said Tess. For some reason, it just had to be said.
‘Don’t,’ said Felicity.
‘I wasn’t trying to make a point.’
‘I know.’
They sat in silence for a few moments.
‘So tell me,’ said Tess finally.
‘He’s not in love with me,’ said Felicity. ‘I don’t think he was ever in love with me. It was a crush. The whole thing was pathetic, really. I knew straightaway. As soon as you and Liam were gone, I knew that nothing was going to happen.’
‘But –’ Tess lifted her hands helplessly. She felt a rush of humiliation. The events of the past week all seemed so stupid.
‘It wasn’t just a crush for me,’ said Felicity. She lifted her chin. ‘It was real for me. I love him. I’ve loved him for years.’
‘Is that right?’ said Tess dully, but it wasn’t a surprise. Not really. Maybe she’d always known it. In fact, maybe she’d even liked the fact that she’d sensed Felicity was in love with Will, because it had made Will seem all the more desirable, and because it had been perfectly safe. There had been no way that Will could have been sexually attracted to Felicity. Had Tess never really seen her cousin at all? Had she been just like everyone else who hadn’t seen past Felicity’s weight?