"Confessions of Saint Augustine," said Magnus. "You asked me how I, being immortal, survive so many deaths. There is no great secret. You endure what is unbearable, and you bear it. That is all." He drew away from the bed. "I will give you a moment alone with him, to say good-bye as you need. You can find me in the library."
Will nodded, speechless, as Magnus went to retrieve his gloves, then turned and left the room. Will's mind was spinning.
He looked again at Jem, motionless in the bed. I must accept that this is the end, he thought, and even his thoughts felt hollow and distant. I must accept that Jem will never look at me, never speak to me again. You endure what is unbearable, and you bear it. That is all.
And yet it still did not seem real to him, as if it were a dream. He stood up and leaned over Jem's still form. He touched his parabatai's cheek lightly. It was cold.
"Atque in pepetuum, frater, ave atque vale," he whispered. The words of the poem had never seemed so fitting: Forever and ever, my brother, hail and farewell.
Will began to straighten up, to turn away from the bed. And as he did, he felt something wrap tightly around his wrist. He glanced down and saw Jem's hand braceleting his own. For a moment he was too shocked to do anything but stare.
"I am not dead yet, Will," Jem said in a soft voice, thin but as strong as wire. "What did Magnus mean by asking you if I knew you were in love with Tessa?"
11
FEARFUL OF THE NIGHT
Though my soul may set in darkness, it will rise in perfect light;
I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night.
--Sarah Williams, "The Old Astronomer"
"Will?"
After so much time of silence, of only Jem's breaths, raggedly in and out, Will thought for a moment he was imagining it, his best friend's voice speaking to him out of the dimness. As Jem released his grip on Will's wrist, Will sank into the armchair beside the bed. His heart was pounding, half with relief and half with a sickly dread.
Jem turned his head toward him, against the pillow. His eyes were dark, their silver swallowed up by black. For a moment the two young men just stared at each other. It was like the calm just as one engaged in a battle, Will thought, when thought fled and inevitability took over.
"Will," Jem said again, and coughed, pressing his hand to his mouth. When he took it away, there was blood on his fingers. "Did I--have I been dreaming?"
Will started upright. Jem had sounded so clear, so sure--What did Magnus mean by asking you if I knew you were in love with Tessa?--but it was as if that burst of strength had fled from him, and now he sounded dizzy and bewildered.
Had Jem really heard what Magnus had said to him? And if he had, was there any chance it could be passed off as a dream, a feverish hallucination? The thought filled Will with a mixture of relief and disappointment. "Dream what?"
Jem looked down at his bloody hand, and slowly closed it into a fist. "The fight in the courtyard. Jessamine's death. And they took her, didn't they? Tessa?"
"Yes," Will whispered, and he repeated the words Charlotte had said to him earlier. They had brought him no comfort, but perhaps they would to Jem. "Yes, but I don't think they'll hurt her. Remember, Mortmain desired her unhurt."
"We must find her. You know that, Will. We must--" Jem struggled into a sitting position, and immediately began to cough again. Blood spattered the white coverlet. Will held Jem's frail and shaking shoulders until the coughing ceased to rack his frame, then took one of the damp cloths from the bedside table and began to clean Jem's hands. When he reached to wipe the blood from his parabatai's face, Jem took the cloth gently from his grasp and looked at him gravely. "I am not a child, Will."
"I know." Will drew his hands back. He had not cleaned them since the fight in the courtyard, and Jessamine's dried blood mixed with Jem's fresh blood on his fingers.
Jem took a deep breath. Both he and Will waited to see if it would produce another spasm of coughing, and when it did not, Jem spoke. "Magnus said you were in love with Tessa. Is it true?"
"Yes," Will said, with the feeling that he was falling off a cliff. "Yes, it's true."
Jem's eyes were wide and luminous in the darkness. "Does she love you?"
"No." Will's voice cracked. "I told her I loved her, and she never wavered from you. It is you she loves."
Jem's death grip on the cloth in his hands relaxed slightly. "You told her," he said. "That you were in love with her."
"Jem--"
"When was this, and what excess of desperation could have driven you?"
"It was before I knew you were engaged. It was the day I discovered there was no curse on me." Will spoke haltingly. "I went to Tessa and told her that I loved her. She was as kind as she could be in telling me that she loved you and not me, and that you two were engaged." Will dropped his gaze. "I do not know if this will make any difference to you, James. But I truly had no idea that you cared for her. I was entirely obsessed with my own emotions."
Jem bit his lower lip, bringing color to the white skin. "And--forgive me for asking this--it is not a passing fancy, a transient regard ...?" He broke off, looking at Will's face. "No," he murmured. "I can see that it is not."
"I love her enough that when she assured me that she would be happy with you, I swore to myself I would never speak of my desires again, never indicate my regard by word or by gesture, never by action or speech violate her happiness. My feelings have not changed, and yet I care enough for her and for you that I would not say a word to threaten what you have found." The words spilled from Will's lips; there seemed no reason to keep them back. If Jem was going to hate him, he would hate him for the truth and not a lie.
Jem looked stricken. "I am so sorry, Will. So very, very sorry. I wish that I had known--"
&n
bsp; Will slumped down in the chair. "What could you have done?"
"I could have called off the engagement--"
"And broken both your hearts? How would that have benefited me? You are as dear to me as another half of my soul, Jem. I could not be happy while you were unhappy. And Tessa--she loves you. What sort of awful monster would I be, delighting in causing the two people I love the most in the world agony simply that I might have the satisfaction of knowing that if Tessa could not be mine, she could not be anybody's?"
"But you are my parabatai. If you are in pain, I wish to lessen it--"
"This," Will said, "is the one thing you cannot give me comfort for."
Jem shook his head. "But how could I not have noticed? I told you, I saw that the walls about your heart were coming down. I thought--I thought I knew why; I told you I always knew you carried a burden, and I knew you had gone to see Magnus. I had thought that perhaps you had made some use of his magic, to free yourself from some imaginary guilt. If I had ever known it was because of Tessa, you must know, Will, I would never have made my feelings known to her."
"How could you have guessed?" Miserable though Will was, he felt free, as if a heavy burden had been displaced from him. "I did all I could to hide and deny it. You--you never hid your feelings. Looking back, it was clear and plain, and yet I never saw it. I was astonished when Tessa told me that you were engaged. You've always been the source in my life of such good things, James. I never thought you would be the source of pain, and so, wrongly, I never thought of your feelings at all. And that is why I was so blind."
Jem closed his eyes. The lids were blue-shadowed, parchmentlike. "I am grieved for your pain," he said. "But I am glad that you love her."
"You are glad?"
"It makes it easier," Jem said. "To ask you to do what I wish you to do: leave me, and go after Tessa."
"Now? Like this?"
Jem, incredibly, smiled. "Is that not what you were doing when I caught at your hand?"
"But--I did not believe you would regain consciousness. This is different. I cannot leave you like this, not to face alone whatever you must face--"
Jem's hand came up, and for a moment Will thought he was going to reach for Will's hand, but he knotted his fingers in the material of his friend's sleeve instead. "You are my parabatai," he said. "You have said I could ask anything of you."