“Momma—”
“But over time, your father was there. He waited patiently. It took a while for me to love his touch, hunger for his kiss. But I needed to work through it on my own time, and he understood that.”
“Are you trying to tell me that JD will wait for me?” I ask before picking up my hot chocolate and stealing a marshmallow, then popping it into my mouth.
“I’ll wait forever for you,” JD says from the doorway. He’s dressed in a pair of black combat pants, heavy black boots, and a tee that’s a snug fit showing off his muscled body.
“I’ll leave you both to talk,” Momma tells me with a conspiratorial wink. These two have been working together to look after me, to ensure I’m getting well, and to make sure not only my body heals but my heart as well.
Once my mom is gone, JD settles himself on the desk chair, but his gaze is on me. I know I’ve been difficult to be around, especially for him, but looking at him now, I want him to hold me.
“I wanted your mom to give you and me some advice on how to venture through this.” He speaks slowly, his voice low, a calming whisper. “I’m so fucking angry; I can’t find it in me to forgive myself for letting you go through what you did. But then I look at you, and I know I managed to find you, and I’m happy. I’m torn in two, and I don’t know how to find myself again. The only time I feel real, feel whole, is when you’re here.”
“First, what I went through has nothing to do with you, and I don’t mean that in a horrible way. What I mean is, you weren’t here, and you had no clue what your mother was doing and that the man would come after me.”
JD shakes his head. “I saw her before they took her away, Autumn. She told me she knew about us long before my father ever did. Because of her relationship with Marlin, she figured you’d be collateral she could use against Dad. Against me.” He looks at me, the guilt and remorse burning in his gaze. “I should never have sent you that video.”
“That video was what helped me survive the nightmare,” I tell him. Setting my mug down, I push off the bed and pad over to where JD is sitting. Slowly, I sink to my knees, holding onto his thighs. This is the closest we’ve been in a long while. When they found me, he carried me to the car, but that was it. We didn’t touch, we didn’t hug for so long, and now that my hands are on his thighs, I feel the connection I sorely missed.
“All I wanted was to keep you safe, but I left. I knew I couldn’t leave without saying goodbye, without telling you how much I love you.” His voice, his words, they heal my heart, and I feel it right down into my soul.
It’s been so hard for me to find that part of myself. The one that loved him more than life itself. Most people would say it’s not healthy to love so much, to love so deeply, but with JD, I had no choice.
“Can we take it slow?” I ask, peeking up at him. There’s so much we have to do in life, so many experiences we still have to go through. I have college, he has his new job, and I know that we can survive this if we try.
“Like I said earlier, I’ll wait forever for you. Fractured, broken, shattered, you’re mine. And all those pieces you feel like you’ve been torn into, I’ll hold them close until you’re whole again.”
I lean in, laying my head on JD’s thigh, the scent of him enveloping me. I feel safe for the first time in a long while. It’s been so long since I’ve felt him near me, I feel like I’m dreaming and I’m about to wake up to him gone again.
But his hand strokes my hair, his fingers slowly massaging my scalp, and I can’t help but allow my eyes to flutter closed. The feeling is calming, relaxing, and I allow myself to breathe deeply and calmly. My heart doesn’t slam erratically against my chest. It’s merely thrumming at his touch.
“I don’t know how long it’s going to take,” I admit.
“I don’t care. As long as you don’t leave me again, I’ll be here.” His voice is confident. Filled with the surety that I’m his and he is mine. I knew it the moment I looked into his eyes all those years ago. Ten long years I’ve known him, I learned who he was and what his dreams were. And over that time, I knew that I was always in his plans.