Her eyes are not on me, not at the moment. She’s standing beside her mother with her eyes cast down on the coffin. Each day that passes, I see a little more of Autumn coming out, but she’s still not herself.
My focus is so glued on my girl I don’t notice Jackson sidling up next to me. The rest of the team is here, as well as the feds who worked with my dad.
I remember how much he would tell me how his funeral would be the biggest party with all the people he held dear to him. The only one missing is my mother.
Autumn glances up, and she offers a sweet smile. But she’s still a ghost of the girl I knew as a teen. The moment I saw those eyes when we found her in that room, I broke. My heart cracked, and those fissures kept widening, leaving gaping holes where there once was love for the girl I lost.
“Hey, JD,” Jackson murmurs in my ear. “How is your girl doing?” His question forces me to turn away from her, and I meet my boss’s enquiring stare.
“She’s coming out of her shell, even though I can see her still lost in thought at times,” I tell him honestly. “I still feel guilty. I mean, I should’ve been here, and none of this would’ve happened.” Even though we’re boss and employee, Jackson’s been here for me through everything. Since I’ve become a permanent part of Cole Security now, I’m considered one of the team. It feels good to have a family. Even if they’re not blood.
“You haven’t failed anyone, JD,” he tells me, slapping me on the back in a show of camaraderie. “We all have people in our lives who go their own way for a while, and if we’re meant to find them again, we will. You found her.”
“I love her.”
“Then show her. Take the lead. She may be hurting, but it will be your strength that gets her through.” He’s right. I need to man-the-fuck-up and claim my girl. Each time I touch her, I notice the wince, but I need to show her it’s me, not some asshole’s hands on her.
“Thanks, man.”
“We’re heading back tonight. You let me know when you’re ready to come back,” Jackson tells me, gesturing with his chin toward the hole in the ground being filled. “No rush. Losing your father isn’t easy.”
“I’ll give you a call tomorrow. Thanks again for everything,” I acknowledge before he walks off. I turn my attention to the mound of dirt. I don’t cry. I can’t. Once the grave is filled, I’m met with handshakes and condolences from people I don’t know.
When the crowd thins and I’m left alone for a moment of reprieve, Autumn joins me. She doesn’t touch me, but I feel her all over. It’s always been like this with us. A connection that wasn’t severed, even in the dire circumstances we’ve survived.
“I’m sorry,” she says, but she doesn’t look at me. “I know how you feel.” She does. Autumn lost her father when she was a child, and it doesn’t matter what age you are, it hurts all the same.
“Thank you for being here,” I tell her. Taking a chance, I slip my hand in hers, and for the first time in a while, she doesn’t wince. She doesn’t pull away from me. “Jackson has offered me a full-time job with Cole Security.”
A gasp falls from her lips. “That’s exciting. I’m so happy for you,” she congratulates me, her eyes on my face. But I don’t smile. “What’s wrong? You seem unsure.”
I take a long, deep breath because I know what I’m about to tell her is going to be the challenge we will need to face together. As much as I want her to say yes, I also don’t want to force her into anything. “I want to move, get out of New York.”
“You’re leaving?” The crack in her voice has me turning my full attention on her. The pretty eyes that have always held me hostage do so now. The questions that dance in them make me ask her.
“Will you come with me?”
Autumn’s mouth opens, then closes. She doesn’t respond right away, and I’m sure she’s about to refuse. I’m asking her to leave her life here and move to another state just to be with me. It’s unfair to her, but I want nothing more than to hold her every night and wake up to her each morning.
“When are you leaving?” she asks instead of answering my question.
Jackson said not to rush, but I would like to get to work as soon as possible. I want to focus on something good, helping people, rather than looking back and seeing the darkness my life has become.
“I’m not sure. Perhaps at the end of the week. Jackson said I should let him know. He understands that burying my father isn’t easy, and I have to pack up the penthouse, make sure it’s secured until I decide what I’d like to do with it.” I never want to step foot inside that place again. It’s brought pain and heartache, and I’m tired of it. “I want you in my life, and I’ll take anything you’re willing to give. I don’t want to force—”