“Why it worries me about her supplyin’ that milk. That’s gotta be a reminder.”
“Thinkin’ maybe it’s one way she can live with her decision,” Trip said.
“Yeah, maybe. She wants the best for that kid. It ain’t me.” Unlike the Brysons, he might never be able to get over how that baby came to be. It might bother him for the kid’s whole life and that wouldn’t be fair to Levi.
He might always see that goddamn shed and bench. He might always see the way Red looked when she was running down that mountain, dirty, bruised, naked and pregnant.
Trip didn’t say anything for a few seconds, he just tapped his index finger on the table a couple times, staring at it. He lifted his head. “You want her to stick.”
“Like the kid, up to her.”
“But you want her to stick.”
Sig sat back and considered his brother. “Yeah, brother, want her to stick.”
“She gonna be able to deal with your shit?”
“That I don’t fuckin’ know.”
“You worried about it?”
Fuck yeah, he worried about it. He worried about hurting her by accident. He worried about scaring her away when he couldn’t control his shit. He worried about betraying her if he had no choice but to find an outlet for his anger elsewhere. He’d never want to be a cheating whore like his mother.
So, fuck yeah, he worried.
“Were you with Stella?”
“Not really. She was part of the Fury when we were kids, Sig. Autumn wasn’t. She don’t know any of the shit we went through, what we dealt with. She don’t know anythin’ about the club life. Don’t want to say she’s not as strong as Stella, but right now? She’s not as strong. Whether that’ll change down the road?” Trip shrugged. “Remains to be seen. And not for nothin’, you ain’t easy to deal with. You got a past that’ll keep fuckin’ with your head. Though, in truth... we all do. You’re just a little more fucked up than the rest of us.”
Sig needed to make that clear to her. But Trip was right, Red wasn’t as strong as Stella. Not yet. But it didn’t mean she wouldn’t be in the future. It was just getting to that future which worried him. “Seen bits and pieces of the real her, brother.”
“Yeah, and you like what you saw.”
“Yeah.” He liked what he saw even in the beginning when she was mostly a shell of who she was now. He saw past it. He also figured their two broken pieces could make a whole if she was willing to try.
“Stella keeps me sane, brother. Just her touch sometimes keeps me from spinning. That the same with Autumn?”
“Not yet.” He hadn’t had the opportunity to try it with her yet. At this point, if he felt himself begin to spin or the darkness start to set in, he would go as far from her as possible. He didn’t want her seeing it or even being touched by it in any way. He didn’t want to be the reason she retreated into her own darkness. He didn’t want her hiding inside herself to escape his violence.
“Fact is, you got fuckin’ issues. So does she. Might be a while before she’s back to bein’ whole, if ever. She worth that wait?” He scraped a hand down his beard. “When you first came back you told me nothin’ worth havin’ is easy.”
“Yeah.”
“Ain’t gonna be easy with her.”
“Nope. Ain’t gonna be easy with me, either.”
“Gotta talk about that, too.”
Sig muttered, “Great,” under his breath.
“The shit that happened up there. That dark place you went to with that belt in your hand. Been there. Recognized it. Know it’s dangerous as fuck.”
“Can mostly control it if I got the right place to focus it.” But “mostly” might not be good enough.
“And like I said before, that woman in your place...” Trip hooked a thumb toward the apartments on the other side of the wall. “She ain’t ever gonna let you do that shit to her.”
“Know that, brother, but also don’t know what to do about it. Know she won’t be open to that shit. That she won’t be able to handle me when I’m like that or need that...” He raked his fingers through the longer hair on the top of his head. “Fuck! Also don’t wanna lose her. Don’t know what to fuckin’ do ‘cause when I find someone to do that shit, it’s more than just usin’ the belt... It’s just... more. The belt... the whips... whatever I use beats the fuckin’ fire back but it’s the sex that finishes smotherin’ it. And there’s no way she’s gonna let me do that with another fuckin’ woman and then come home and get into bed with her. Even if she let me get the first part elsewhere and then do the second part with her...” He shook his head. “Even the second part’s rough. Gotta be someone who gets the fuck off on pain. Doubt that will ever be her.”