“I wasn’t sure that you deserved to be in Luna’s life,” Lexi says.
My anger, which has been hovering on the surface, explodes. “Deserve? And who the fuck are you to decide that?”
I don’t know why I’m so angry. I feel like a fool. Lexi has been stringing me along.
She juts out her chin. “Her mother. The one who gave birth to her and cared for her. That’s who!” Her voice is loud and bitter but luckily there’s no one to hear us. Not that I care at this point.
“So what was I, a sperm donor?”
She jumps to her feet. “Yes! That’s exactly what you were until I decided that you deserved to know Luna.”
I jump to my feet too. We throw accusations back and forth. My muscles quiver. I can’t believe she just called me a sperm donor.
“Fuck you, Lexi.”
She glares at me and crosses her hands across her chest. “I want to go home.”
I grab the blanket and shove it back into the picnic basket, not caring if I break the wine glasses. I’m too angry to think about anything. All I want is to get out of here. The island, which only moments ago had felt like a haven of peace and beauty feels like a prison.
I take Lexi’s hand and help her into the dinghy. I work in automation and soon we’re headed to the boat. Lexi keeps her face averted from me. That suits me just fine. I can’t believe that all these weeks that we’ve been seeing each other, she kept something that huge from me.
Worse, I feel used. Like all along, she was checking me out. Like women do when they visit a sperm bank. They pore through the pages that list all of the donors’ strengths and weaknesses and decide whose sperm to go with. Only for me, the perusal is coming after the fact.
We don’t exchange a word all the way back to Santa Monica. Luckily by the time we get back, the tour office is closed but Park is hanging around the marina.
“Rachel said to tell you that you’re invited to dinner.” Park’s voice is wary. It doesn’t take a genius to see that we're not the same carefree couple that was here in the morning.
We’re barely talking, and Lexi looks like she’s going to be sick. That makes two of us.
“Thanks, buddy,” I tell him. “But I think we’ll take a raincheck. Another time, okay?”
“Sure,” he says and claps my back. “I hope you two had a great day.”
“It was nice,” Lexi says but her face tells a different story.
“I can’t thank you enough for taking care of Serenity,” I tell him.
Park chuckles. “I’m the one who should say thank you. She’s contributed to our bottom line and yours.”
We chat a little longer, but Park can see that we’re itching to leave. We say goodbye and walk to the parking lot. Lexi marches ahead of me. She’s like a stranger to me now. There’s no way to justify keeping something like that to herself.
The drive back is grim and quiet. When we get to her place, I keep the engine running and wait for her to get out. I feel like an asshole for not walking her to the door but I’m desperate to leave. I need time to think things through.
“Do you want to come in?” Lexi says, her voice shaky. “See her, maybe.”
“Not today. Not when I’m like this,” I tell her. My mood is dark. The last time felt this way, I was in Afghanistan.
“Okay. Bye. Thanks,” she says and gets out of the car.
I wait until she’s inside the house before driving off. I head back the way we came. Back to Santa Monica. I need to talk to someone. Park won’t do as he’s with Rachel and as much as I love her, I really don’t need to hear a woman’s opinion.
Which leaves my brother Declan. Guilt comes over me that I’m seeking him out when I need him. The last time we were together I’d promised him that I’d go down to Santa Monica and see his pizza place.
Declan has always been an entrepreneur. The one willing to take risks. Before I left for Afghanistan, we started a real estate business together and it took off faster than we could have imagined. We made a lot of money very fast though money has never really factored in my life.
There’s always been money in the family dating back to my great grandfather. Declan and I are what is cynically referred to as trust fund babies. We have a trust fund from our grandfather that we can only access when we’re thirty-five or married.
It’s not something that I think about. It’s just there but it’s good to know that it’s there. I’m thinking about things I never give thought to normally but with a child, I suddenly feel a weight of responsibility that was not there before. The anger I’d felt earlier dissipates and another emotion takes its place. Excitement. Suddenly my life which seemed so directionless now has a purpose. I might have missed the first year and a couple of months of Luna’s life, but I can make up for it. I have a daughter! A sense of wonder comes over me. I see her face in my mind and I immediately see the resemblance between Luna and myself.