I can’t quite dredge up a smile. “Is the truce over so soon?”
He doesn’t move. “I never wanted to hurt you. Trust that if you trust nothing else.”
The messed up part? I do. I might have doubted so much, but I don’t doubt Eli’s love for me. Or at least the love he used to feel. No doubt it’s ground to dust now, no matter what he claims. “I never meant to hurt you, either. Not really. Intentions are nice, but they don’t really change actions and words.”
“I know.” He sighs and leans his head back against the door. He’s got whisker burn on his neck, and there’s a trail of little bruises up his inner thighs from my and Abel’s mouth. He looks like some kind of golden god who’s tumbled down to earth for a little pleasure. If only our lives were that simple.
I wait, but he doesn’t say anything else. No reason to feel disappointment. Last night might have felt earth-shattering for me, but it doesn’t mean it changed anything. I can’t afford to stumble, no matter how the ground moves beneath my feet.
To distract myself from the way everything suddenly hurts, I turn and walk into the shower. I’m not even surprised when he follows me in. Of course he does. Eli closes the distance between us, backing me against the cool tile, but he doesn’t touch me. “You’re only half right, though. Words don’t mean anything. Only actions do.”
I lift my chin. “Thank you for the reminder. I definitely wouldn’t have thought of that on my own.” I hate that I can’t help holding all the words he’s said in the last twenty-four hours up against this truth. I love you. I won’t let you go. I’m sorry. They might cut me to the quick, but they’re barely worth the air he uses to expend them.
“Harlow—”
But I’m done. We can talk ourselves in circles until the end of time, but I can’t afford to be distracted from the thing that truly matters. The people of Raider faction. “If you really care about this faction, you should try to actually work with Abel.”
Instantly, his expression closes down. “We’re not talking about Abel.”
“We can’t talk about us without him. Not anymore. I would think last night made that startlingly clear.” Slowly, hesitatingly, I press my hands to his wet chest. It doesn’t matter how much we hurt each other; I still want Eli. I can’t seem to stop wanting Eli. My life would be so much simpler if I were able to walk away from this man. “You need to talk to him, Eli. Really talk to him. He might never forgive you for everything that happened that night, but the least you could do is explain your side of things.”
He stares at the spot where I touch him. “It doesn’t matter what my side of things are, and you know it. Weren’t you just telling me that intentions don’t mean a single damn thing? Forty innocent people died, Harlow. That’s unforgivable.”
I don’t disagree, but he’s not the one who made that call. “You didn’t even know about the house fire, not until after the fact. If you just—”
He kisses me before I can continue. A soft press of his lips against mine, barely long enough to register. Eli lifts his head. “Some things can’t be fixed. We can only go forward.”
Something akin to fear blossoms in my chest. The way he says that… I can’t shake the feeling that he’s not talking about the coup eight years ago. He’s talking about something much closer to home. I reach up and dig my hands into his hair, tugging until he lowers his head and meets my eyes. “What have you done?”
“Nothing.” I can’t exhale in relief, because he follows it up with, “Yet.” Eli’s speaking so low, it’s almost lost in the sound of the water hitting the tile. “I’ve already sold my soul for this faction, Harlow. I can’t let all those sacrifices be for nothing.”
Gods, he makes me want cry. To scream. To shake him until he gets the concept of a compromise. “Do I need to explain the sunk cost fallacy to you? The past doesn’t have to define you.”
“I wish it were that easy.” He kisses me again before I can keep arguing.
I should shove him back, should drag him out of the bathroom to talk to Abel, should do a lot of things. Instead, I let him kiss me with everything he has. I open for him, providing the escape he’s silently asking me for. He shifts forward, pressing me hard against the tile, and the contrasting sensation between his warm body and the coldness at my back has me moaning.
Eli steps back just enough to spin me around, and then he’s bracketing my throat with one hand and sliding the other between my thighs to cup my pussy. His low voice in my ear hardly sounds like the man I’ve shared the last five years with. “Do you really think it’s that easy, Harlow? We have a conversation and all the sins of the past are forgiven?” He bites my shoulder hard enough to make me jump and then shoves two fingers into me.