For a few seconds, I contemplate it, but then my stomach growls. I can hear him smile, which means he heard it too. Dammit.
I don’t want to admit that I’m hungry, but I’ve been famished all day. I can’t say no to food that smells so good.
So I open my mouth and let him push the spoon in slowly, not too far, until the warm liquid is on my tongue, and I swallow it.
It tastes divine. Much better than anything I had at the compound. Graham was never a great cook. But this? This is … Jesus, so good.
It almost makes me tear up. Dammit, I don’t want him to see me cry. Not again.
But he keeps feeding me diligently, putting the utmost care into each spoonful that he puts into my mouth like he wants me well fed. As if he wants to satisfy my cravings and fill me up so I won’t go hungry.
Like he actually cares.
Graham never treated me like that.
For the first time in a long time, I don’t feel like the trash left outside next to the garbage bin.
I actually feel like a normal human being.
Accompanying Song: “Bottom Of The Deep Blue Sea” by Missio (Acoustic)
Chase
I continue feeding her until the entire bowl is empty. As I scrape the bottom of the bowl, I feel a pang of guilt stinging in my side. Maybe I should’ve brought more. I’ll get her some bread and butter next time. And maybe I can cook a nice meal. I have many recipes at my disposal, and I love working in the kitchen.
It puts my mind at ease.
But looking at her now while she licks her lips unwinds something inside me I didn’t even know existed in the first place. And I can’t help myself from reaching for her face and caressing her cheek softly. For a second there, it almost feels as though she leans into my hand.
But then her jaw tenses, and the moment fades.
I pull back.
None of this is right.
I’m keeping her locked up in a room with a chain around her neck like a goddamn dog.
Just so she won’t escape and rat me out.
Fuck. What have I done?
The bowl drops from my hand.
Without looking twice, I get up and march out the door, slamming it shut behind me.
I can’t think like this. What’s done is done. I can’t turn back time. I’ve made my choice, and now I have to stick with it.
But damn … why does it have to be so goddamn difficult?
I never expected her to be so … alluring.
Every time I step into the room and see those gorgeous translucent eyes and that soft skin of hers, it tugs at my heartstrings. She’s … someone different. Someone I never expected. Someone I’ve never experienced in my life before.
I felt it the moment I saw her cry in the canyon, and I never stopped feeling it whenever I look at her.
I’m overcome with guilt that I can’t seem to escape, no matter how hard I try to ignore it.
My fists clench.
I have to fight it. For my own good. This is all for a greater good.
Keeping her here could still serve a purpose.
Even if I passed the first test, it doesn’t mean I won’t fail soon.
I have to see how far I can take it. How far I can go.
We can’t leave any stone unturned.
See no evil. Hear no evil. Speak no evil.
God will be the one to judge.
I nod to myself and march into my bathroom where I strip off all my clothes and turn on the shower. I step under and let the water wash away my sins like it always does.
Except these recent marks … aren’t on my skin.
They’re carved into my soul.
But the longer I stand here with water cascading down my back, the more I succumb to my own thoughts. Memories. Scents.
God … she smelled so fucking nice.
When I touched her, I almost wanted to grab a strand of her hair and bring it to my nose for another whiff. The only thing that stopped me was the tenseness in her muscles.
She’s still afraid of me … and she has every right to be.
I wish I could take that fear away, but how?
Should I feed her more? Give her attention? Talk with her?
Taking off her collar would be the first thing on that list. But that’s where my hesitance steps in.
I don’t want her to run. Would she run if I took off the chain? Maybe.
I don’t know, and I doubt she’d give me an honest answer.
I sigh and rest my head against the wall as I soak in the water.
The least I can do is try. I have to start somewhere.
I need to treat her better. Give her everything she needs. Anything she wants.
Maybe … just maybe … she could be the one to undo me.