"You do?"
"Sure," I say. "People lose their tempers, that doesn't mean they don't love you. But I shouldn't have gotten mad. I know it was an accident. I'm just feeling tired." I turn and look at her, and am thankful to see that she's looking back at me, not wary anymore. "And I feel very, very big, too. Do you want to know a secret?"
She nods.
"This baby growing in my tummy is making me a little cranky."
She licks her lips. "I think you look pretty."
"And I think you're sweet."
Her smile widens.
"Can I tell you another secret?" I ask.
"Okay."
"I'm kind of nervous. I've never had a baby before. I really wish I'd been your mommy when you were little, but I'm so glad I have you now. Especially since I don't really know what I'm doing. And I'm going to need you to help me. After all, that's what big sisters do, right?"
"You really want me to?"
"Are you kidding? You're going to be just about the most important person in this baby's life."
"Me?"
"Absolutely, you. So will you help me?"
She nods. "I promise."
"Still hungry? How does mac and cheese sound?"
When she nods again, I start to get up, but a stabbing paining my middle has me doubling over and falling from the swing's seat into the sand.
"Mommy!"
I'm breathing hard, pain radiating through me. "Daddy," I manage to say. "Go get Daddy."
Her eyes are wide, and she's frozen.
"For me," I manage to croak. "For your little brother or sister."
"Brother," she says. "I wanna be the only little girl."
"We'll see." I smile despite the pain. "Now, go."
She does, racing across the lawn, her feet churning, her little lungs shouting Daddy! louder than I would have believed she could manage.
And then I don't see her anymore. Just gray. Just pain.
Nothing at all until I see Jackson racing toward me, and Ronnie coming up fast behind him.
Then there's a strange rushing in my ears, and it's not until Jackson reaches my side that I realize it's a helicopter.
"We're taking you to the hospital," he says, and even my fear isn't enough to ground me. I feel his arms. I feel my tears.
And after that, I don't feel anything at all.
Chapter Six
++
Jackson paced the hospital hallway as he ended the call, not sure what he'd just told Nikki, but hoping that he'd made some sort of sense to her.
But the nurse was there now, standing in front of him, telling him that Sylvia was doing okay. She was calling for him, and they'd let him in the second they could.
Then she hurried back into the room and he was left standing there taking deep breaths and forcing himself to stay calm. He couldn't lose the baby. Christ, he couldn't lose Sylvia.
He was functioning right now, but only because he had to. He had to be strong for Ronnie. And he couldn't give in to his fear. But he was afraid--so damn afraid.
She'd been unconscious for the entire trip to the hospital. Worse, there'd been blood. Not much, but enough to rip him to shreds. His wife. His child. And oh, god, he might lose them both. And he hadn't been able to do a goddamn thing except curse the helicopter for being too slow and the universe for being a bitch.
It had been worse because he hadn't known anything. The paramedics did their job--he would give them that--but they couldn't tell him anything concrete. Only that he had to talk to the doctors. Only that he had to wait.
He was still waiting.
No. He at least knew the situation now. Knew that they had her stabilized. Knew that they were doing what they could for her and for the baby.
But was it enough?
Oh, dear god, it had to be enough.
He drew in a breath, the doctor's words a jumble in his head. All Jackson had really understood was that Syl had gone into early labor. That wasn't a bad thing in and of itself, but the cord was around the baby's neck, and she was too far along for a C-section. As for the bleeding and the way she passed out--well, that was something Jackson couldn't wrap his mind around. But he knew from the doctor's expression--and from the fact that they wouldn't let him in the goddamn room--that it was serious.
Oh, Christ. Oh, Christ.
"Daddy?"
He sank down onto the couch and pulled Ronnie to him, hugging her tight, taking some small comfort in the feel of his daughter in his arms.
"I'm sorry."
Something in her voice told him that she wasn't just sympathizing with him, but that she was apologizing. "Sorry? Sweetie, what are you sorry for?"
Big tears fell from her eyes to plop on her jeans. "It's my fault. 'Cause I wanted to be the baby. And 'cause I made Mommy mad and that hurt her tummy."
"No." He pulled her close, then hugged her tight. "Baby, you didn't do anything bad." If anything, he should have insisted she go to the hospital because she'd been feeling so tired. Maybe if he had...
He shook the thoughts away. No time for self-recrimination now. He had to be strong for Syl. For Ronnie. For the baby.
He held tight to his daughter's arms, focused on her face, wanting her to understand. "You're the one who got her help, remember? That's good, baby. You did really, really good."
He couldn't tell if she was convinced or not, but as he started to ask her another question he saw the nurse hurrying toward him. He leaped to his feet, clutching Ronnie's hand as he did. "Syl," he demanded. "The baby."