“Medically speaking, I don’t think there’s a non-painful way to castrate a man to death,” Ash murmured into her wine glass, her eyes flying in my direction. “Was it really that bad?”
“Yes, it was,” Sailor retorted before I had the chance to answer. “You know Pers, she’d never breathe a bad word about someone if her life depended on it. Hunter was there, and he told me himself. Said he was shocked by Kill’s behavior. Recently, he was under the impression Cillian and you had a good thing going.”
“Honestly? I was dumb enough to think the same.” I burrowed into my sister’s neck. Now that I didn’t have to be strong and resilient anymore, all I wanted was to break down and cry in the arms of the people I knew would never judge me.
Aisling wrinkled her nose, placing a hand on my knee.
“You know I think Kill having private investigators follow you is deplorable, but you never actually told us what the nature of your relationship was. Again, I’m not trying to make excuses for my brother. I grew up seeing him at his best and his worst, so I know both versions of him are frightening to the average person. But your relationship was never explained,” Ash said gently. “I just want to make sure we’re getting the entire picture so we can advise you accordingly.”
“Ash’s got a point.” Belle peered down at me. “You just told us you’re getting hitched one day, then poof!” She snapped her fingers. “You were a married woman. Every time we see you with your husband, he looks at you like you’re the brightest star in the sky. At the same time, we all know you did not go the usual couple route. Tell us how you became Mrs. Fitzpatrick.”
The question wasn’t unwarranted. What we had looked bizarre to outsiders.
Heck, it was weird from the inside, too.
My friends rolled with the punches because that was what we did—we had each other’s back unconditionally—but nothing about my marriage made sense.
I grabbed a handful of tissues, dabbing my nose and eyes. My head hurt from all the crying. Taking a breath, I started.
“When Paxton left me, he didn’t leave me with nothing. He left me with a hundred thousand dollars of debt. It was the worst eight months of my life. The loan sharks he’d been indebted to chased me around, lurked outside my workplace, patrolled Belle’s apartment…it got real bad. They even physically attacked me one time.”
A shiver that felt awfully like Kaminski’s finger ran down my backbone.
Belle’s hold on me tightened. Aisling held her breath, and Sailor stared at me with open horror. I turned to my sister.
“It was the time I told you I got mugged. I didn’t want to ask Hunter, Sailor, or Aisling for the money. It wasn’t a small sum. It was a straight up fortune.”
“We wouldn’t have minded!” Aisling cried out.
“Don’t be stupid.” Sailor rolled her eyes. “Of course you could’ve asked us for it. You’re family.”
I shook my head. It didn’t matter that I almost did. All that mattered was that I hadn’t.
“When things went from bad to worse with the creditors, I went to Cillian’s office and asked for a loan. He said no. A few days later, he came back with the marriage proposal. He said all my problems would go away if I said yes, and…well, he kept his promise.”
I told them about our contract. About my hesitation, stemming from how much I’d always liked him. How my crush on him never fully wore off. How I convinced myself marriage would come first, but that he would grow into loving me back as time went by.
I took a shovel, dug into the ugly parts, and dumped them on the coffee table for my friends and sister to dissect and interpret. By the time I was done, there was only one more confession to make in order to feel completely liberated.
“Wanna know what the worst part is?” I grabbed the cheap bottle of wine—was it our fourth or fifth?—pouring a generous helping into my glass. “That I still love him. I’ve always loved him. The first time I saw him at that charity ball Sailor dragged us to because she didn’t want to be alone with Hunter and I set my sight on Cillian, I knew. I knew one day he would take my soul, set it on fire, and walk all over my ashes when it was all done and dealt with. I’d known it from the very moment I found myself staring at him while he was watching Emmabelle from across the room. He was lost in my sister, but I found myself—everything I’d ever wanted—in him.”
“Kill never looks directly at the things he wants.” Ash squeezed my hand. “He says desire is a weakness. If he wanted Belle, he wouldn’t have looked at her.”