I catch them in the air and start browsing through them, tucking my chin down so he can’t see my face. I haven’t slept well in a while.
Jaime walks over to me and slaps my back.
“Keep going,” he tells me.
Oklahoma. Texas. UCLA. Ohio State. I’m waiting for that drum in my chest that signals excitement. Those are the D1’s I’ve been waiting for all along. My eyes pause on Notre Dame’s symbol. My dream college. The one thing I worked for.
I feel nothing.
Jaime shakes my shoulder. “Hey. What’s with you?”
“Nothing,” I mumble, shoving the letters into my backpack. We’ll go through them tonight as we’ve done every night recently. It’s not like I can spend time with Daria anymore, and I’d rather get beaten to death with phone books by evangelistic widows than actually talk to my sister after the fuckery she pulled.
“Look at me,” Jaime orders. I look up, blinking at him. He is not his wife. He is full of confidence and self-assurance. I don’t screw with him.
“What’s wrong?” He frowns.
“Nothing,” I say again.
“Is this about Via?”
I shrug. As far as I can tell, he is silently tolerating my sister’s presence here. He is close enough with Daria to know how much it kills her to see my sister here.
“Is it about my daughter?”
“Which one?” I raise an eyebrow.
“The legal one, bastard.”
I smile. I don’t lie to him because I can’t. Because he deserves fucking better than that.
“We should get in. Your wife’s gonna be pissed.”
“My wife is already pissed. She has two girls she can’t control living under her roof, and she loves them both too much to give them tough love. Believe it or not, Penn, I’m on your side. That’s why I’m going to give you a valuable tip. Right here. Right now. Are you listening?”
I blink at him, waiting for it.
“Choose your sister.”
“Sir?”
“Choose her. Don’t choose Daria. You’ll end up giving her less than she deserves. And my daughter deserves everything. Not half of it. Not a quarter. And definitely not messy. Let her go. Unless, of course…” He pauses, cocking his head to examine my expression. I don’t breathe.
“Unless?”
“You love Daria. Then I do not allow you, under any fucking circumstances, to break both your hearts because Sylvia still holds a grudge.”
“Do you know what colleges Daria is looking into?” I swallow.
He throws his head back and laughs before shaking his head. I guess we’re all too transparent for our own good. Jaime yanks the door open and walks in.
“So screwed, Scully. So goddamn screwed.”
You kill me with your eyes
Burn me with your smile
Bury me with your indifference
I join Mom, Bailey, and Via in New York.
Mostly to put some distance between Penn and me. When I send Mel a text informing her it’s a go, she replies with a string of emojis, but this time refrains from begging me to go with her for coffee or invite me on a shopping spree.
She’s been getting chiller lately. But it’s too little, too late for me to appreciate her change in attitude.
I strategize my time at home as though my life depends on it. Because it does. My heart can’t take much more than it already has in recent weeks.
In the mornings, I keep my nose buried in my phone. During dinner, I let Bailey and Via do most of the talking and cling to my conversations with Dad. Sometimes I hear Via in the hallway, begging Penn to open the door.
He never does.
When we get to the hotel in New York, Via and Bailey kick off their matching ballet flats and jump on one of the two queen-size beds. The room is relatively small for what we usually get, and I know it’s not because Melody was trying to save money.
“You’ll sleep with me, Lovebug. You don’t mind, do you?”
I pretend not to hear her. I have a feeling I’m about to add to my little black book this weekend. Principal Prichard will be delighted. Especially when I show up at his office, ready to atone for my sins.
I’m numb and only speak when I’m directly spoken to, which is not often. Mel takes us to an Italian joint for dinner. Bailey and I order pasta and a panini each, and Melody and Via share a salad.
“Remember how I used to eat the protein bars you got me every class, Mrs. Followhill?” Via pretends to wipe a stray tear. “I didn’t even know they had, like, a thousand calories in them.”
“You needed those bars.” Mel leans across the table, catching one of Via’s crocodile tears with her thumb.
I look away as if I’ve been slapped.
“What I needed was someone like you. I’m grateful you’re in my life,” Via murmurs. Now it’s Bailey’s turn to smile at her softly. I look down at my sparkling water. This, from the same bitch who called my mother unbearable when she was in my room. But I can’t call her out. Not when she knows about what I did to her four years ago.