“It sucks,” I finally replied to her question.
“Yes, I imagine it does.”
Lila Kate didn’t have to say a lot. She was just comforting with her silence. I always liked that about her.
“You’ve got them all worried. Blaire was at mom and dad’s today. I walked in the kitchen to see her crying. Mom was talking to her.”
That was another thing about Lila Kate, she didn’t hold back because she was worried about hurting you. She was sweet and kind but blunt. Honest was probably a better description.
“I don’t like making her cry. But I can’t pretend that I’m okay.”
“I didn’t say you could. Just letting you know what’s going on.”
We sat there for a while drinking our coffee. I knew she wasn’t done yet. She was going to say more but was deciding what to say and how to say it. I didn’t care to hear anyone’s opinion. No one knew what all I had lost. They didn’t know there was more. That I loved a woman and had caused this. That although Octavia and my son were dead, I still loved Bliss when that love had been why this happened. Telling anyone that seemed impossible.
At the memorial for my son, I had wanted Bliss there. To stand beside me. To give me comfort. I needed her. Yet I didn’t deserve her. There was a grave marked “Baby Finlay” that said I didn’t deserve any happiness.
Bliss was happiness for me.
“Who was she? The girl from the letter. .”
No one had asked me that. Octavia’s letter had said that she hoped I lived happily with the woman I threw her away for. We had all read the note. Her father made sure I saw it. He blamed me for Octavia getting off her meds. For me turning my back on her. And he should. When she’d wanted to talk I should have let her. Then my son would still have had a chance.
“I love her. I have since I was sixteen years old. But that doesn’t matter anymore.”
Lila Kate turned her head and I felt her gaze on me. “Why? Because a sick woman acted out of her own darkness? Her own battles? Where were her parents? Why didn’t they know she was hurting? She wasn’t yours to protect. Y’all had ended things. Letting Octavia’s actions determine your choices isn’t fair. Not to you or the girl you love.”
I didn’t have a response to that. I just knew it wasn’t that simple. “Not now. . I can’t.” I replied turning to finally look at her.
She frowned then leaned back in her seat. We drank our coffee and sat in silence for the next hour.
When footsteps sounded on the steps I turned my attention toward them. Cruz appeared from the beach. He’d been running. He was sweating and in his running shorts. He’d come to the memorial but he had been unsure what to say to me. Most had been.
“Hey. Y’all got room for one more?” he asked.
Lila Kate immediately stood up. “I was leaving,” then she turned and did just that. Like she always did. When Cruz Kerrington was around she exited. There was no secret that she disliked him. Her actions had made that clear years ago.
“Always could make that girl clear a room. Can’t figure out why she hates me so damn much.”
I would argue that he was being stupid. That he did know. But in all honesty, I don’t think he does. He is too self-absorbed to have noticed.
“You gave a fourteen-year-old Lila Kate her first real kiss then moved on to another girl a week later. While little Lila Kate was in love you were making a legacy as a womanizer for yourself.”
Cruz sat down. “Really? She hates me because I kissed her? That was what like eight years ago? That can’t be it.”
I didn’t have the energy to explain it or point it all out. Instead I shrugged. He could believe what he wanted.
“What about you? You making it?”
I was living. “Sure.” What else did I say to that?”
“I’m sorry, man. I should have come by before now but I didn’t know what to say. Still don’t.”
There was nothing he could say. “How’s working for your dad?” I asked him.
He let out a groan of frustration. “Hard. I miss college.”
The Kerrington Country Club would be his one day. He knew it but he also didn’t want it. He just didn’t have the balls to tell his dad that. He had two younger brothers. Blaze and Zander. He should let one of them have it.
“Do either of your brothers have interest in it?”
He shook his head. “Blaze is off in L.A. still. Trying to be the next Zac Efron. And Zander is planning on the Marines.”
I’d seen Blaze on the television nighttime drama he was making a name for himself on. But only once and I hadn’t watched the whole show. Phoenix had been watching it and wanted me to see Blaze.