Her hand never left mine, a quiet support. And, with a deep breath, I told her everything.
“Phebe . . .” Lilah said sadly when I finished talking. Tears were streaming down her face. “Where is she? Your Sapphira?”
“I do not know.” I lowered my head. “But I dream of her often. I see her in my mind’s eye each day. She is always with me, yet so far away at the same time.” I frowned. “Last night I dreamed she was begging me for help. She was hurt and afraid and needed me. I dreamed . . .” I turned my head away to escape Lilah’s stare. Lilah’s hand squeezed mine. “She called me ‘Mother.’” I laughed through my tears. “Finally, Lilah. She called me ‘Mother.’”
“Phebe . . .” Lilah whispered in sympathy.
“But she does not even know. She believes I am her sister.” I paused. “But I cannot get this dream from my head. Dreams fade, become a forgotten memory. This one grows stronger by the minute.”
“Beauty always says one must listen to their dreams, as there is a message somewhere within them. One which we must listen to. Decipher.”
“Beauty?” I asked.
“The old lady of one of the brothers, Tank. You will meet her eventually. She is a sweet woman.” I nodded, absently listening to her explanation. But my mind was too preoccupied with what this Beauty said of dreams. That dreams were a message about something.
I thought of Sapphira begging me for help. The potion, her hand in mine, her pleading with me to remember . . . trying to find the deeper meaning.
“Mama?” Grace’s cautious voice came from the doorway. “I have read four books. Can I come see Aunt Phebe now?”
I laughed at how tenacious Grace was. Even in New Zion she had been pushier than other girls. Pushy and beautiful, but her nature muted by the repression we found ourselves in. If Cain had not gotten her out when he did, she would have been deemed a cursed and thus schooled—sexually—by an elder . . . an innocent child, only eight years of age. I thanked God every day that I had hidden her well enough. That she had not fallen into Meister’s arms either. He had always watched her closely. Like he craved her. Like he . . .
Ice trickled down my spine. It made me remember something . . . something important . . .
Lilah sighed, then looked at me for an answer to Grace’s question. “Of course!” I shouted loud enough for Grace to hear, as whatever bit of information was rising to the surface of my mind slipped away again. Grace sprang from the deck and ran to where we stood. She put her hand in mine and pulled me from my chair.
“You know what hide-and-seek is, Aunt Phebe?”
“Yes,” I said with an indulgent smile.
“We get to go into the woods!”
“Not too far, only where I can see you,” Lilah butted in.
“I’ll go hide first.” Grace turned me around. “You count to sixty then come and get me.”
I heard her running away and began to count. “I know you feel guilty about what happened to me on Perdition Hill,” Lilah said, interrupting my counting. “But you must know what you did for me by bringing Grace into my life. I know you are burdened with guilt. But you gave Ky and me Grace. Nothing else matters beyond that now . . . you made us a family.” Lilah came to stand before me. I stared at her scar and tried not to disagree. Her hand pressed against my cheek. “You would have been a great mother given the chance. You always loved me and cared for me as a child. And Grace adores you, talks of how you cared for her in New Zion when no one else did.” I sucked on my lip to hide the trembling. “And when we find Sapphira again, because the Hangmen will find her, you will get that chance to tell her who you are, that you love her. And she will be the luckiest girl in the world, because she will have you.”
“Lilah,” I said softly.
She smiled. “And I will be an aunt. I cannot wait.” The sound of rustling leaves came from behind me, and I laughed, knowing it was Grace running through the woods.
“Coming, ready or not!” I shouted. I turned from Lilah and ran into the woods. Curiously, with every step, I felt somewhat lighter. Yet something dark remained in the back of my head. Something out of reach that I could simply not decode.
*****
The smell of the smoking barbeque drifted into the woods. I heard the sound of laughter and felt my stomach flip in nerves. This was the rest of the Hangmen. The men who had seen me that night at the bar, seducing, fishing. AK had told me of my actions that night. And as much as he told me I should not be embarrassed by my behavior, I could not help it.
I paused behind AK’s cabin and leaned against a nearby tree. You can do this. I took several deep breaths, and just as I was about to step out of the woods and into the clearing, I saw Ky and AK walking my way. I smiled, about to reveal my presence, but the look on Ky’s face stopped me in my tracks.
“They’ve been circling for about two days now. They ain’t done nothing but drive around the compound in a white van. Same fucking time every day: eleven a.m. Like clockwork. Some built skinhead fuckers. But they’re Klan, no doubt. Or Brotherhood—I can never tell these assholes apart.”
“Meister?” AK asked roughly, and my heart felt as if it ceased to beat.
“Not him personally, but his men, we think.” Ky laughed. “Thinking they can intimidate us. Assholes.”
My hand shook on the tree when I thought of Meister. I closed my eyes. Images of him holding me down in New Zion came sailing to my head. Of him biting into my flesh, taking me hard . . . nothing like how AK had taken me. Then . . . I must eradicate what you have seen today from your weak mind. Take all of these new memories away . . .
I stumbled when an image I had not remembered before this moment came sailing back to me. A chair of some sort, hard and uncomfortable. Meister’s huge form over me as he injected needle after needle into my flesh. And I fought. I fought to hold on to something I could not forget, had vowed not to forget. I fought and I fought, but it had disappeared. There was nothing.
“What’s the plan?” AK said, breaking through my thoughts.
“We’re watching them. They don’t look like they’re gonna attack, more just scoping us out for some reason. They can’t see shit from the road anyway. Tanner is monitoring their systems for any red flags. But they try anything, anything at all, we kill them all,” Ky said and hit AK’s arm. “Just wanted you to know. They’ll be looking for Phebe. He knows she’s here. Now she’s your old lady, you needed to fucking know.”
“Thanks,” AK said. Ky gave him a wide smile.
“Fucking tied down, brother!” He laughed louder. “And to Li’s sister. Does that make us related somehow? You and me fam now, brother?”
“I fucking hope not,” AK said in response, and I could not help but feel a warmth in my heart as he laughed. Ky punched his arm, and together they walked back to the clearing.
I stayed in the woods for several more minutes, just trying to calm down. Meister knew where I was? Then he would put everyone here in danger. These men did not know him like I did. My stomach dropped . . . Lilah, Grace . . .
He would never stop until he captured me. I knew him. I knew how far his obsession with me ran. His men would not simply be circling for intimidation. Meister always had a greater purpose.
A loud burst of laughter drifted on the breeze toward me. I made my feet carry me into the clearing. Viking, AK’s best friend, was on his feet. He turned straight to me. “Here she fucking is! The ginger pussy who’s whipped my best friend!”
My face paled when all the men and women stared at me. Some regarded me warily, others with kind smiles. I did not know what to do, where to go, or what to think, until . . . “Red. Get the fuck over here.” AK’s voice cut through the music that had started playing. I looked his way and saw him in a chair beside Flame and Maddie. Another dark-haired man, with a beautiful raven-haired woman on his lap, was on his other side.
She was pregnant.
AK pulled me down onto his knees—a move I had become increasingly used to. His lips came to my ear. “You
good?”
I turned to face him and kissed him on his stubbled cheek. “I am good,” I lied, not wanting him to worry. Worry that I now knew about Meister’s men. Worry about the nightmare that would not go from my mind, or the fact that I was beginning to remember things about the town I was rescued from.
I just wanted AK to be happy. I had seen glimpses of it at the lodge. I did not want my burdens to drag him back down to darkness.
The sound of Viking’s voice pulled everyone’s focus again. “And then this other time, AK and Flame burst into the crack house we were stealing from . . .” Men laughed as Viking told tale after tale. And I liked hearing about AK. I liked hearing about silly things he had done in playful moments with his friend, when the weight of his past had not burdened his mind.
My eyes drifted to the raven-haired woman beside me. Mae, she was called. I watched her cradle her stomach as she talked to Maddie. Her husband’s hand lay over her bump too, and I felt that same pit form in my own stomach as whenever I saw a mother and child. Only this time it was worse.
Save me, Mother . . . remember . . . Beauty said that we find messages in dreams . . . save me, Mother . . . remember . . .
I stilled as my blood ran cold. The potion . . . the bed . . . her beaten face . . .
Meister telling me I would forget, that he would make me forget it all . . .