"You should bring your friends of course. We have plenty of room."
I look up, "When?"
"Easter? We would love it if you came for Easter."
It is much more time than I would expect. I agree, "Can we visit again though?" I don’t want them to leave me. I'm terrified I will leave the suite and they will dissolve into the ash I had imagined them to be.
"I was thinking perhaps I could host breakfast tomorrow. We can have it catered here in one of the small meeting rooms. I have the staff on standby with the idea." Eli pats my leg.
My mother's face lights up. "Yes." She looks back at my father and brothers. They nod.
I turn the next page and can't do anymore. I close the book and smile at them, my perfect orphan fake smile. "Thank you for meeting with us. You are the best birthday present I have ever gotten." Which is true. I never knew my birthday before Eli told me when it was.
My father walks to me and offers me his hand. I put mine in it, hesitantly. He lifts me up and wraps his arms around me. "You are the greatest gift any of us can ever have."
Eli stands beside me, hovering as usual. "We should be going. It's no doubt overload for everyone."
I close my eyes and breathe my father in. I move on to my mother and do the same thing.
My brothers hug me at the same time. We are strangers and complicated, but I would take it over anything in the entire world. It is an amazing and terrifying feeling to have them. My greatest fear is that they will be taken away again.
We hug and kiss and they touch me a thousand times. They squeeze me and hold me and walk us to the elevator. I am a mess but Michelle and Stuart look ready for death. They're holding back something I don’t think I want to see. Eli presses the button as my father shakes his hand and looks at me as they talk. He leaves his side and hugs me once more. He whispers into my ear, "I already approve." He says softly. "He saved you, cared for you and brought you home and has supported you. I approve."
I pull back confused. I look at Eli who smirks at me. I scowl, making his smirk grow into a smile.
"Thanks Ro…Dad." I say. He tears up again.
Finally we are in the elevator, silent and stunned as the doors close on my weeping family. Michelle collapses into Stuart and howls. She tries apologizing but I can't understand her. She grips to me and him and looks like she might faint.
"I'm gonna take her home." Stuart whispers. I nod. I have a feeling I will be spending the evening the same way.
Eli steps off the elevator and holds his hand out for me. I take it and let him bring me to his car. I've never driven with him before. He has an SUV that matches the one Stuart drives.
We drive in silence until I need an answer, "What did he say to you at the elevator?" I look straight ahead when I ask.
"He thanked me for being there for you, even as a boy, when he could not protect you himself. He told me that I had his permission to love you."
My eyes tear up again. He drives out of the city. I don’t know where we're going. I don’t care. I'm just dreading the conversation we have to have.
"I feel so vulnerable having them again. Like I have something to lose." My voice is sad and small, just above a whisper.
"What happens if you lost them all tomorrow? Would that take away from the joy and the love you got from them there at the suite?"
I watch his face for a moment and then shake my head.
"Sarah, that feeling is forever. It doesn't shrink or grow. It's just there. It exists. It's yours and no one can take that." He sounds so smart.
I look back out the window. I'm exhausted and can't think about it. I curl into the window and let my visions of her eyes and his lips and her hair and their smells fill me up. They are me. I know this to be true.
Chapter Twenty-Five
I wake, blinking and squinting. I'm sleeping in a bright room. The curtains aren’t drawn. The view from the windows is beautiful. White frothy waves and a snow-covered beach. The ocean and sky are both grey, like they're cold and unfeeling.
I look around the beige and white room. It's plain but classic, eyelet lace and wainscoting but the blanket is expensive and the bed is incredibly comfortable.
At the far side of the massive room, Eli is sleeping on a huge couch. I step off the bed and pick up my boots and coat. I look at him and shake my head. He is so beautiful and chaotic. I hate but appreciate his attempt at being my brother and sleeping on the couch. Not that it changes how I feel. Disgusted and sickened.
I sneak from the room, closing the door slightly. The hallway is huge, grand even. Large paintings and sand-colored walls line the halls. I tiptoe down the wide staircase into a large foyer. I pull on my boots and coat and open the front door.
The front of the house is remarkable. I walk around, stunned by the yard. It's exactly the sort of place I have dreamt of my whole life. I zip my coat and pull my fur-lined hood over my head.
The wind and snow feel colder here at the sea. I crunch through the dry snow to the beach. The waves are violent and white with the snow swirls getting lost in them.
I feel too many things, but mostly I feel like the snow. I feel like I'm getting lost in the water. It's so big and violent and I can't separate myself from it once I let it take me in. My phone vibrates. I pull it out and grin.
'Hope it went well. I miss you. Can I see you today?'
I text back, 'It was amazing. I remember them a tiny bit. I remember the way they smell. I'm with them today again. I will text you.'
He makes a sad face. I laugh.
"You seeing him again today?" I spin seeing Eli. He's standing against a large log with only his t-shirt on. I frown, "You'll freeze. Where is your coat?"
He shakes his head and walks towards me, "Don’t change the subject."
I look down at my phone and nod, "I don't know."
"You plan on just seeing both of us? Use me when you need me and be with him the rest of the time?"
I look up, shocked but desperate to keep the hurt from my face, "No."
He's cold, I can see it, but he still walks to me and pulls me into him, "You want me, Sarah."
I don’t know what to say. There are so many things between us that feel gross and horrid and I don’t want to, but I have to make them bigger. I shove him slightly, "I don’t want to."
"You have to know." He takes my hand and presses his warm lips into the top of it, "I love you. Not because you're my replacement for my sister."
I jerk my hand away and shudder. I walk past him, "I never want to talk about this again."
"She is obsessed with me. I didn’t know."
I look back at him, "Did you sleep with her?"
He presses his lips together. He doesn’t have to talk for me to know the answer. "Gross." I grimace. "What is wrong with you? Why would you sleep with your therapist? Did you take her to that room? Is that how she knows you like to punish girls?"
He shakes his head but I am stuck in my sick feelings.
His voice is desperate, "It happened once, two years ago. It was a mistake. I was drunk in the bar, after I found you. I was celebrating."
I shake my head and cover my ears, "WHAT THE FUCK? I DON’T WANT TO KNOW THIS SHIT! JESUS!"
I run up the beach. He's almost got me but when my legs reach the grass and snow, I take off. I run past the house and up the driveway. I don’t know what I'm doing. I just need to be away from him. I run until I'm so disgusted I can't breathe. I slow to a walk and pace.
I pull my phone out and call Shell. "I need you." I say softly. I'm out of breath.
"Where are you? Are you okay?"
I shake my head and sniffle, "I'm fine. I just…I don’t know. I need a ride to the hotel where my parents are."
"Go to maps on your phone and look up current location and map it to my place. I'll text you the address here. I'll start heading out to the car. Me and Stuart will come get you."
"Okay." I do as she says. I'm frozen when they show up half an hour later.
"Get in the front seat with the heater." She says when they get there. I jump in and put my frozen hands on the heater.
"What the hell is going on?"
I shake my head, "Nothing. Just drama." I glance back at her.
"You okay?"
I shake my head, "No."
She puts a hand on my shoulder, "Jesus. You're frozen."
I nod, "Yup." My phone is going nuts in my pocket.
"Don't tell him you picked me up."
Stuart gives me a sideways glance. "He doesn’t know? Shit."
Shell squeezes my shoulders, "Okay. Do you want to talk about it?"
I shake my head and look down at my phone, which is nonstop ringing.
We ride in silence to the hotel.
I walk into the hotel, exhausted and in the same clothes as the day before.
"Can I help you?" A lady at the front desk asks us as we arrive.
"She's with me." I flinch when I hear his deep voice. I cringe and turn.
"Very good, Mr. Adams." The lady says. He offers me a hand. I walk past him and mutter, "Not now." Shell and Stuart walk past us and go down a hall. I follow after them.
He clenches his jaw and grabs my hand. He drags me down a different hallway. He stops and grabs my arms, "You ever scare me like that again and I will make sure you don’t ever forget to let me know where you are. You don’t run off." The anger in his eyes makes the man in the chair and the cell look like Santa. I gulp and shove him back, "You are not the boss of me."
He grabs my hand again and pulls me into a room. Everyone is there already. Shell and Stuart and my family.
My mother smiles and I forget everything else. I don’t have to force the smile across my lips.
The men stand as I get in my chair.
"Good morning, honey." She grabs my hand and squeezes. She looks at Eli, "Morning Eli, honey." I hate that she uses the same pet name for him and me.