"Colin!" she exclaimed, somehow breaking her mouth free of his.
"Shush."
"Colin, you have to stop!"
He looked like a lost puppy. "Must I?"
"Yes, you must."
"I suppose you're going to say it's because of all the people just next door."
"No, although that's a very good reason to consider restraint."
'To consider and then reject, perhaps?" he asked hopefully.
"No! Colin—" She pulled herself from his arms and moved several feet away, lest his nearness tempt her into forgetting herself. "Colin, you need to tell me what is going on."
"Well," he said slowly, "I was kissing you...."
"That's not what I meant, and you know it."
"Very well." He walked away, his footsteps echoing loudly in her ears. When he turned back around, his expression had turned deadly serious. "I have decided what to do about Cressida."
"You have? What? Tell me."
His face took on a slightly pained expression. "Actually, I think it might be best if I didn't tell you until the plan is under way."
She stared at him in disbelief. "You're not serious."
"Well.. ."He was looking longingly at the door, clearly hoping for an escape.
'Tell me," she insisted.
"Very well." He sighed, then sighed again.
"Colin!"
"I'm going to make an announcement," he said, as if that would explain everything.
At first she said nothing, thinking that maybe it would all become clear if she just waited a moment and thought about it. But that didn't work, and so she asked, her words slow and careful, "What sort of announcement?"
His face turned resolute. "I'm going to tell the truth."
She gasped. "About me?"
He nodded.
"But you can't!"
"Penelope, I think it's best."
Panic began to rise within her, and her lungs felt impossibly tight. "No, Conn, you can't! You can't do that! It's not your
secret to reveal!"
"Do you want to pay Cressida for the rest of your life?"
"No, of course not, but I can ask Lady Danbury—"
"You're not going to ask Lady Danbury to lie on your behalf," he snapped. "That's beneath you and you know it."
Penelope gasped at his sharp tone. But deep down, she knew he was right.
"If you were so willing to allow someone else to usurp your identity," he said, "then you should have just allowed
Cressida to do it."
"I couldn't," she whispered. "Not her."
"Fine. Then it's time we both stood up and faced the music."
"Colin," she whispered, "I'll be ruined."
He shrugged. "We'll move to the country."
She shook her head, desperately trying to find the right words.
He took her hands in his. "Does it really matter so much?" he said softly. "Penelope, I love you. As long as we're together, we'll be happy."
"It's not that," she said, trying to tug her hand from his so that she could wipe the tears from her eyes.
But he wouldn't let go. "What, then?" he asked.
"Colin, you'll be ruined, too," she whispered.
"I don't mind."
She stared at him in disbelief. He sounded so flip, so casual about something that would change his entire life, alter it in ways he couldn't possibly imagine.
"Penelope," he said, his voice so reasonable she could barely stand it, "it's the only solution. Either we tell the world, or Cressida does."
"We could pay her," she whispered.
"Is that what you really want to do?" he asked. "Give her all the money you've worked so hard to earn? You might as well have just let her tell the world she was Lady Whistledown."
"I can't let you do this," she said. "I don't think you understand what it means to be outside of society."
"And you do?" he countered.
"Better than you!"
"Penelope—"
"You're trying to act as if it doesn't matter, but I know you don't feel that way. You were so angry with me when I published that last column, all because you thought I shouldn't have risked the secret getting out."
"As it turns out," he remarked, "I was right." "
"See?" she said urgently. "Do you see? You're still upset with me over that!"
Colin let out a long breath. The conversation was not moving in the direction he'd hoped. He certainly hadn't intended for her to throw his earlier insistence that she not tell anyone about her secret life back in his face. "If you hadn't published that last column," he said, "we wouldn't be in this position, that is true, but the point is now moot, don't you think?"
"Colin," she whispered. "If you tell the world I'm Lady Whistledown, and they react the way we think they will, you'll never see your journals published."
His heart stood still.
Because that was when he finally understood her.
She had told him before that she loved him, and she had shown her love as well, in all the ways he'd taught her. But never before had it been so clear, so frank, so raw.
All this time she'd been begging him not to make the announcement—it had all been for him.
He swallowed against the lump that was forming in his throat, fought for words, fought even for breath.
She reached out and touched his hand, her eyes pleading, her cheeks still wet with tears. "I could never forgive myself,"
she said. "I don't want to destroy your dreams."
"They were never my dreams until I met you," he whispered.
"You don't want to publish your journals?" she asked, blinking in confusion. "You were just doing it for me?"
"No," he said, because she deserved nothing less than complete honesty. "I do want it. It is my dream. But it's a dream
you gave me."
"That doesn't mean I can take it away."
"You're not."
"Yes, I—"
'No," he said forcefully, "you're not. And getting my work published ... well, it doesn't hold a candle to my real dream,
which is spending the rest of my life with you."
"You'll always have that," she said softly.
"I know." He smiled, and then it turned rather cocky. "So what do we have to lose?"
"Possibly more than we could ever guess."
"And possibly less," he reminded her. "Don't forget that I'm a Bridgerton. And you are now, too. We wield a bit of power in this town."
Her eyes widened. "What do you mean?"
He shrugged modestly. "Anthony is prepared to give you his full support."
"You told Anthony?" she gasped.
"I had to tell Anthony. He's the head of the family. And there are very few people on this earth who would dare to cross him."
"Oh." Penelope chewed on her lower lip, considering all this. And then, because she had to know: "What did he say?"
"He was surprised."
"I expected as much."
"And rather pleased."
Her face lit up. "Really?"
"And amused. He said he had to admire someone who could keep a secret like that for so many years. He said he couldn't wait to tell Kate."
She nodded. "I suppose you'll have to make an announcement now. The secret is out."
"Anthony will hold his counsel if I ask him to," Colin said. "That has nothing to do with why I want to tell the world the truth."
She looked at him expectantly, warily.
"The truth is," Colin said, tugging on her hand and pulling her close, "I'm rather proud of you."
She felt herself smiling, and it was so strange, because just a few moments earlier, she couldn't imagine ever smiling again.
He leaned down until his nose touched hers. "I want everyone to know how proud I am of you. By the time I'm through, there won't be a single person in London who doesn't recognize how clever you are."
"They may still hate me," she said.
"They may," he agreed, "but that will be the
ir problem, not ours."
"Oh, Colin," she sighed. "I do love you. It's an excellent thing, really."
He grinned. "I know."
"No, I really do. I thought I loved you before, and I'm sure I did, but it's nothing like what I feel now."
"Good," he said, a rather possessive gleam appearing in his eyes, "that's the way I like it. Now come with me."
"Where?"