Chris has to ride his motorcycle to Durham tonight to pick up a microphone from some guy I’ve never heard of. Then he has an eight a.m. meeting with Xander, his manager. Not sure why Xander insists on meeting with him on a Sunday morning. But that’s Chris’s life. It’s becoming less and less familiar to me, just like mine is becoming less familiar to him.
Forever Troubled
May, 2012
Claire and Senia are all dressed up and ready to party when I arrive at the dorm. Claire has her hair pulled up into a ponytail. My favorite hairstyle on her. It gives me easy access to her neck.
It seems fitting that she would be dressed up and looking so enticing on a night where I’m more confused about us than I’ve ever been.
I find myself wanting to touch her. And I try not to think that this is my subconscious fears acting through me. The fear of losing Claire has never been this strong. But it’s funny how fear works. It keeps you from doing the one thing that may ease your fear. I can’t bring myself to talk to her about this.
She stands next to her desk, digging through the drawer for her lip balm. I sneak up behind her and grab the sides of her waist and she laughs as I press my hips against her.
“Stop it,” she protests, pushing my hand off her waist.
“Hey, don’t mind me,” Senia says from somewhere behind me. “Just give me a sec so I can make some popcorn.”
I take a painful step back, away from Claire. I want to tell her that we should stay in and talk, but I need to give myself some time to think. Besides, she’s been looking forward to this party for a while.
“Hey, this show isn’t free,” I say to Senia as a knock comes at the door.
Senia’s sitting on her bed, fastening the strap on her heels. “Can you get that, Chris?”
I open the door and greet six-foot-four Kevin Brown with a nod. “What’s up, man?”
Kevin enters and we each lean against a desk on opposite sides of the room while we wait for Claire and Senia to finish getting ready. Senia has been through at least four boyfriends since Christmas. Kevin is her latest victim, though Claire would kill me if I said that aloud. Senia has set her drunk self loose on the male population of the University of North Carolina, Chapel Hill, and she’s quickly conquering them one by one. But I must admit that it makes for good weekend entertainment.
We walk to Lambda Chi Alpha house on Pickard and Franklin, and we’re not surprised to find there’s no parking on Pickard or in the parking lot behind the house. The place is crawling with drunk college guys and a few girls here and there. This isn’t my crowd. Neither Tristan, Jake, nor I went to college after high school. I try not to let it intimidate me, but it’s hard. Especially on a night like this when I’ve got so much on my mind.
“What’s wrong? You’re so quiet tonight,” Claire says as we climb the porch steps to the front door of the blue two-story house.
“Got some stuff on my mind. Just band stuff. No big deal.”
She looks a little worried, but she lets it go and we head inside. Claire knows that the band has been having trouble lately ever since Xander had the bright idea of dropping the band name. Now he books all our shows under Chris Knight instead of Blue Knights. Tristan missed his first show last week and Jake and I had to play without a bassist. He’s testing his worth.
But that’s the least of my problems right now.
Senia and I have the same idea and we head straight for the booze. Kevin runs into one of his basketball teammates and they talk basketball while Claire tries to keep Senia and me from getting too shitfaced. But she’s doing a poor job.
We down our fifth shot of cherry whiskey — Senia’s new favorite drink — and she stares at me for a moment. I’m afraid she’s going to puke in my face, so I take a step back and get Kevin’s attention. He looks at me questioningly and I nod at Senia. He shakes his head and puts his hand on the small of her back to lead her out of the kitchen.
“Wait! There’s still a little left in the bottle.”
“There ain’t nothing left in that bottle, girl. You’re seeing things.” She looks over her shoulder, a deep longing in her eyes as she looks at the bottles on the counter. “Come on, baby. You can sit on my lap and take it easy for a little while.”
“Ooh. On your lap?”
Their voices fade away the farther they get, until we can’t hear or see them anymore. Claire turns to me and she looks pissed. She’s probably angry because she knows I have a higher tolerance for alcohol. I should have stopped Senia from trying to keep up with me.
“Why are you drinking so much?”
My face is getting numb and I’m feeling very loose, but I manage to pull out another lie. “I’m just trying to keep up with Senia. I’ll stop drinking if you want me to.”
She looks disappointed in this response. “I have to go check on her.”
I grab her hand before she can leave, then I pull her close to me and whisper in her ear. “I’m sorry.”
She turns to me looking utterly confused by my behavior and I feel awful.
“I have to piss. I’ll meet you in there.” I let her go and she sets off for the other room where Senia and Kevin went.
I head for the hallway and squeeze my way past a group of bodies in the corridor. Then I find the line for the restroom. I ignore the girls who smile at me as they pass. When I come out of the restroom twenty-five minutes later, I’m in no mood to see Joanie Tipton waiting for me.
She stands with her arms crossed over chest and her head tilted, as if she’s disappointed that I haven’t attempted to say hi to her sooner. Her chubby cheeks don’t match her rail-thin body and her pinched eyes just creep me the fuck out.
“Hey, Joanie,” I say, nodding as I attempt to get past her.
She steps to the side to block me. “That’s it? I haven’t seen you in almost a year! How have you been?”
I get a strange urge to tell her I’m not doing well, but I know that’s the alcohol. “I’m fine. I gotta go. Claire’s waiting for me.”
I try to step to the other side, but she mirrors me. “You and Claire are still together? Wow … I didn’t expect that to last.”
“What?”
“Oh, I just mean that you probably have girls coming at you from all sides. It must be so hard to stay faithful.”
I glare at her for a moment before I realize she’s right. “Claire and I are fine.”
“Chris?”
I whip my head to the left at the sound of Claire’s voice. Claire looks pissed as hell. She doesn’t know I had to wait in a long line for the restroom.
“Babe,” I call to her, pushing my way past Joanie. “There was a long ass line for the restroom.”
She looks at Joanie then back at me. “You didn’t look like you were in a hurry.” I open my mouth to respond and she cuts me off. “Senia just pissed in Kevin’s lap. They broke up and now she’s crying on the fucking sofa. We have to leave, but I need you to help me carry her home. Now.”
We run into someone else who’s leaving at the same time and they agree to give us a ride back to Spencer Hall. Claire and I get Senia into her bed just after midnight. Then we sit on Claire’s bed in silence.
“What’s wrong with you tonight?” she whispers. “Is the band breaking up?”
I shake my head, then I grab her hand and hold it against my lips. “I don’t know.”
She coils her arms around my neck and we hold each other for a while. Then we slip beneath the covers to go to sleep. But even with all the alcohol in my body, rest doesn’t come easy. I have a feeling nothing is going to come easy after tonight.
Forever Blindsided
June 7, 2012
This is the third year Chris and I have spent the anniversary of my mother’s death stargazing, and the second year we’ve done it while camping in Poplar Point. Just like last year, Chris and I made the thirty-minute ride there on his bike.
So what’s changed since last year? Chris has a n
icer bike now. A blue racing bike that screams sex. I’m no longer a virgin, which means we’ll be able to explore each other in addition to exploring the campsite. And, for the first time in about ten months, Chris and I can spend time together without the pressure of homework and music gigs hanging over our heads.
Chris hasn’t played a gig in over a month. He’s been recording a demo at a local studio up until last week. My freshman year at UNC ended just over a week ago, so I haven’t been able to go to the studio with him. Normally, this wouldn’t bother me. But I’ve been getting a weird vibe from Chris whenever he talks about this demo and his trips to the studio. I don’t think Chris would lie to me, but I don’t know what else to think.
All that matters today is that he’s here with me. We’re back in a familiar place, physically and mentally. And I have a strong feeling that, by the end of this trip, we’ll be back to the way we were emotionally.
We get to the campsite around seven p.m. and Chris quickly sets up our tent, then we skip stones on the lake for a bit while we talk. Chris has tried teaching me to skip stones plenty of times, but I can’t seem to get the angle or the right amount of spin on it. I think my record is three skips, while Chris’s record is probably a thousand. His rocks dance across the surface of the water as if his touch has embedded them with music.
“I’m going to visit Senia next week. She’s picking me up since she’s just a couple of miles away.”
He smiles as he tosses another stone that skips four times before it sinks into the water. “Why don’t you just drive there?”
“I can’t drive your mom’s car. I don’t have a license.”
“So get a license and drive your own car.”
I laugh as I toss another stone that immediately sinks below the surface. “Great idea! I’ll go get a driver’s license next week. Then I’ll hop in my imaginary car and go to Senia’s.”
He turns to me with a sly smile curling his lips. Something about the way the setting sun makes the flecks in his brown eyes turn bright gold takes my breath away.