He wanted to believe he had the right intention. How could it be wrong to make sure Sang wanted this?
But perhaps they were right. Were they? Wasn’t he supposed to question it all? They’d all done so before. What made this different?
When Nathan didn’t respond, Dr. Green threw up his hands. He snatched his messenger bag off the desk without the laptop and he went to the door. “If I didn’t love the hell out of you, Nathan, I’d kill you. Now I have to go find Kota and figure out where the hell we are now. Hopefully he didn’t say anything to Sang about this yet.” He slammed the door on his way out.
North still had his back turned on Nathan. Nathan remained where he was, crushed up against the wall. He glared at the notebook at his feet.
Was he right? Sang wasn’t going to be okay with this unless they were all sure and okay with it?
Eventually North spoke. It wasn’t the same angry tone as before. It was something sad, dark and it hurt Nathan more than anything else just from the depth of despair it carried. “We can’t stay together if she’s not with us,” he said. He turned slowly, his eyes glistening and his face contorted. “Do you get it now? Without her...this is over. We’re too far in.”
“You’d leave if she won’t stay?”
“She won’t stay if we can’t do this.” He turned to the door and opened it, glaring out into the hallway. “She’ll do it to spare us. It’ll just kill us.” He walked out, closing the door behind him.
Nathan slid down against the wall, practically hiding behind the desk. He rolled his head back, glaring at the ceiling. He inhaled in a long breath, holding it enough until his lungs burned before releasing.
He did it again.
And again. Causing his already high heart rate to increase, his lungs to ache. His body was tight, tense.
He couldn’t get them to understand. He’d done it to be sure. For her sake. He needed to know.
What he hadn’t realized was what they’d told him.
She wasn’t sure.
Because they weren’t totally together on it. Kota. Himself. Perhaps a couple of others. The doubt woven around them all.
Compounded by Erica and her questions.
It would just get worse.
Would she leave?
But he knew that answer. Sang would do whatever she could to ensure they were all happy and safe, like they tried to do for her. If it meant she left so they could find some sort of happiness without her, she would.
He didn’t need to be the reason.
When in Doubt, Doubt
Nathan avoided the others all afternoon. No one completely ignored him, but he sensed they all knew.
He didn’t get a chance to see Sang before he left in the afternoon before school was over. He’d asked Kota to take Danielle and Marie home.
He took Silas’s car home. He really needed his own car. He sent a text to Silas to let him know, and to feel free to pick it up later.
He told Mr. Blackbourne in a text he wasn’t feeling great. It was a bad time to be out but he thought having crashed in a car into the lake the night before warranted a little down time.
He just didn’t want to be around the others right now.
Not with the way they looked at him.
Maybe he was more paranoid, but he couldn’t help it. He was in his own head, consumed by what Dr. Green had said, but mostly about what North said at the end.
This might kill us.
The weather had warmed slightly with the sun bright overhead. He’d built a static charge in the car, and he zapped himself on the metal doorknob of his house before he stuck the key in. It caused his hand to shake and he dropped the keys to the ground.
He grumbled to himself, looking down at his keys and not reaching for them.
What a week. Maybe he needed the weekend off. Or a month.
“Nathan?” Erica’s voice came from behind him.
He considered banging his head against the door. Not now. Instead, he grimaced and turned slowly.
Erica was in her nurse’s uniform. She was either home early or on her way out. Her car was parked in her own drive and she was heading over, halfway into the yard.
“Hi,” he said, trying to mask his dour mood.
She walked closer, looking at him and then his keys on the ground. “Did you drop them?”
“Yes,” he said and stooped to pick them up quickly. “The door zapped me.”
“Oh,” she said. She crossed her arms over her stomach, with her purse hanging over his shoulder. She stood there, looking at him, her face stressed.
“Look,” he said. “I’m sorry about what happened yesterday. It was a really bad day. And this morning, we really needed to get going...”
“I don’t know what I should do with all of you,” she said quietly. She looked up the road and then back at him. “Could we talk inside for a moment?”
Nathan couldn’t recall the last time she’d been inside his house. Not that she wasn’t welcome, but he was always the one to hop over to her house. “Sure,” he said. He jammed the key into the door, unlocking it quickly and stepping aside. “Come on.”
Erica walked around him, going inside the house. Nathan closed the door behind them.
They met up in the kitchen. The space was clean, just a few leftover dishes sitting out on the counter. Erica put her purse down, pulling out a chair and sitting in it. Nathan pulled out one next to her for himself. He pressed his elbow to the table, waiting, unsure what he should say. They hadn’t gone over what to tell her. Kota wanted to talk to her himself, but he avoided her this morning. Did he manage to talk to her sometime today, perhaps over the phone?
“Did something happen between Kota and Sang recently?” she asked.
Nope. He didn’t. “I don’t know,” he said. He had to guess they were still not supposed to be talking to him after the incident earlier that week. “I haven’t seen much of them. Just Sang last night w
hen you picked her up.”
She pressed a palm to her cheek. “I just don’t know what’s going on. She’s out there in the middle of the night, at a grocery store alone. He’s lying to me, coming in only during the god-awful hours and then leaves before I get a chance to talk to him. I know you all have school, and he’s usually so responsible.” She sighed. “It just feels like something is very wrong here.”
“Whatever it is, maybe it isn’t as bad as you’re thinking...” Vague. Keep it vague. Let Kota come up with something on his own.
“I think they broke up,” she said. “Maybe he doesn’t want to tell me about it.”
Nathan made a face, struggling to stay composed and not groan or grumble. “Maybe...but I think he’d say something.”
“I don’t want to put the blame on you,” she said, “but he’s been strange since that time with you and Sang in the bathroom. Do you think it triggered something between them?”
Nathan put a hand over his mouth, rubbing slowly. “Maybe you should ask Kota...”
“I know I should, but he’s never here.” She sighed and combed some of her bangs away from her forehead. “I’ve a confession to make, too. I meant to tell Kota, but...” She reached into her purse and pulled out a pink-encased phone. She held it up for him to see. “I found this in the car. I went to get something out of it and found it sticking out under the seat.”
Oh no. Volto didn’t take it. He wasn’t sure this was better or worse. No wonder he hadn’t tried to use it to manipulate one of the others.
She placed it on the table, face down. She pressed her fingertips to the back of it, sliding it around the wood surface. “I thought about looking at it. I didn’t, but I considered maybe I should.” She groaned and then pressed her palm to the phone, lowering her head. “I know her parents are going through a bad time, and it feels like she needs us to be supportive. But if Kota’s trying to make a clean break and she’s hanging around, maybe...”
Nathan held on to his breath, swallowing shortly. He hated seeing her struggle like this. After the craziness last night, she still picked them up, took them home, made sure they were safe and fed. His insides shook, regretting lying to her so much. She didn’t deserve it.