My breath escaped me as I considered what he was saying. While we were busy with Volto, he was all the way across town asking Lily to check in with me about the relationship. Not that he knew Volto would be there. We’d all expected it to observe only, to see what was going on.
Kota and Nathan thought because the others were asking me to do this that perhaps I didn't want to do it and was just going along with it?
Because the
y didn’t trust that I wanted it?
He took my hand, holding it between two palms and warming it. My eyes were getting used to the dimness in the room, and his expression had a touch of fear and sorrow that I hadn’t caught until that moment.
“Maybe we could have asked you directly, but we wanted her to do it. We didn't know if us asking you would just put more pressure on you to agree. Because Nathan and I won't unless you're absolutely sure.”
“I'm not sure,” I said gently and closed my eyes to say the last bit. “But not because of me.”
His hand remained wrapped around mine. “What do you mean?”
I opened my eyes slowly, finding his serious, deeply concerned expression haunting.
But I wasn't sure how to share my thoughts with him. I didn't totally understand my own feelings, either. I cared about all of them. I'd been close with all of them.
Somehow, the anguish the two had gone through with Erica, knowing the same may come one day from Uncle or the others, not to mention the feelings they have—the uncomfortable feelings they carried seeing me with one of the others—it was all so much to fight against. I'd never been in a relationship before, but a normal relationship seemed like the easiest sort, a piece of cake compared to what we were trying to do. The question wasn't if they were pushing me in to it. I was more concerned about them, making them feel like they had to. We were talking about this long term.
How long could I ask them to go on like this?
But I didn’t want to give up, either. I just wanted to be sure, as well, that this is something they’d be happy with.
“I don’t want to ask you to choose between me and them...or Erica...” Flustered, I gripped at his palm. I squeezed a bit too much, my nails denting his skin, but I was so tense I couldn’t get myself to release once I was locked on. “Kota, I feel like I’m forcing you all already into this. It shouldn’t be something we get used to or learn to accept. I can’t ask you all to do this.”
“You’re not,” he straightened and continued to hold my hand despite what I was doing. He took a step closer, drawing my hand up to his chest, holding it, palm to palm with mine, against his heart. “It has to be us asking you. That’s how it works.”
“What?”
“I just didn’t understand it. When you all told me, when the others explained it to me, I was thinking something else. Like...” He sighed and then leaned in, his breath warming my face as he spoke. “I thought I’d have to watch you kiss them. Like when I walked in on you and Gabriel.”
“Oh.” I hadn’t even thought of that. I had experienced it a few times, with the others walking in at various moments. The hurt looks and awkwardness made it so complicated.
“I thought that was what I was looking at. And other things.” He pressed his free hand to my cheek, and then released my other hand to hold my face. “Sang, I had the picture all wrong. That’s what was wrong with me.”
“What did she say?” I asked. “What did she tell you?”
“It’s not so much what she said. It’s what I saw there. She did say I should have spoken to you. That I should get the others to come in.” His eyes drifted between mine, one to the other. “Sang, we need to do this our own way.”
“What do you mean?”
He backed up his head a bit, dropping his hands from my face to my shoulders. “Before I went last night, I thought living in the same house, being around each other so much, I’d run into seeing you kissing someone else again. And I thought I had to be okay with that. That I had to get my feelings of jealousy under control. If it was to work, I had to accept that part.” He paused and then dipped his head. “But I watched them interact with her. And she told me how their relationship was set up.”
I didn’t know this part. Maybe I didn’t notice when I was there. I’d been so afraid then, trying to figure out what was going on. It didn’t occur to me. I waited for him to continue.
“That’s not how feelings work,” he said. “And that’s not how relationships work. I trust the guys with you. I know for sure that if we agree to this, we’ll stick to our word. Even if...even if we all agree that we’ve got to follow a few rules.”
“Rules?”
“Once I left, I was reading up on it all. That’s what took me so long to get back. Once we knew everyone was safe, I was up most of the night reading.” He released one of my shoulders to put a hand over his heart. “I can be happy with you, Sang. And with them around you. I...think I just can’t see it. That’s something I need from you. When we’re together...”
I nodded emphatically. “Yes, I know. I’ve been running into that issue...”
He grimaced and then laughed. “Yeah. And I know the others may laugh at me for saying it, but somehow not seeing it, that seems to make all the difference to me. Like I knew before the others were dating you. I had to remember that. It was seeing it. And in relationships like this, we have to talk about boundaries, what we’re comfortable with. And we have to agree to it. Relationships are trust, work and agreements with each other.”
The more he spoke, the more my heart calmed. It was a topic I hadn’t considered, and what we probably needed Lily for. We needed someone else to point out such things. “So, you’re okay with this?”
“I just needed the right picture in my head,” he said. “The others are going to probably come to that conclusion, as well. They need to know how it works. But we already work together, we get together fine. Mr. Blackbourne was right, we jumped into this a bit disorganized, but we didn’t really know if everyone else felt the same way.”
I had to ask. I couldn’t dare let the moment pass without doing so. “How do you feel, Kota?”
Kota teetered close to me. I could feel him leaning in and I let him.
He kissed me briefly once on the lips and backed up a fraction to whisper. “I’m in. With you. For everything. No matter what happens. No matter if they give up on this. No matter what the Academy or my mom or what anyone else says. It’s you and me, Sang. I promised from the start I’d be with you, and I will. I just need your help.”
I floated where I stood. Something inside me shook, like a thousand butterflies fluttering at the same time in my core.
When my shaking tilted me forward, Kota met me, his lips locking on mine.
I’d help him. I’d help them all. I couldn’t let accidents—like the times they found me with each other—happen. It’s why Kota brought me all the way to a dirty old closet. To not run the risk of the others actually witnessing this.
I could give this to them. And it was something we had to monitor, anyway. The outside world may never accept us if we stayed together in this way. Erica. Uncle. The others. They may never understand any of this.
We were never destined to be normal, anyway.
Our Own Rules
Kota and I returned to the music room after we talked a bit more about what his talk with Lily.
“Does Nathan know?” I asked before we left. “I mean, he knew you left, but did you tell him what you learned?”
“No,” he said. “Actually, I want him to go see it for himself. I think it’ll help if it’s not coming from us, if he sees it.”
Maybe he was right. Somehow, Kota had changed overnight. I hadn’t realized how dour he had seemed when we returned from camp. He’d been down, yes, after they had a discussion to catch him up on the plan for the relationship, for all of them. But now, when I looked at him, the difference was clearer. The stress he’d been shouldering hadn’t all been about the circumstances of me leaving my old home, of the others and this new issue.
It had been about me. His feelings for me. He had to straighten them out before he got back to his old self.
If it meant Nathan needed to go to Lily, I should encourage it, too.
When we got back, the room was empty. The bell for lunch hadn’t rung yet. But when we got in, he checked his phone. “Still no Mr. Hendricks. I think they’re going to file an all-points bulletin for a person of interest. ”
/> “Hey,” I said. “What about that man with the school board? The one I followed from the library once?”
“The superintendent is at work,” he said. “I checked in. He’s on the phone fielding calls for this. He must think his position is secure, at least for now. We’re now following him closer to see if he gets in touch with Hendricks.” He drew me in, kissing my cheek shortly. “I’m going to go get us some food. Vending food okay with you?”
“Anything.”
“I’ll be quick.” He put his phone back into his pocket. I went back to the piano. There were a couple of messenger bags sitting around, but otherwise, there wasn’t much else in the room. I picked up my own backpack I’d brought in, the gray one with pink. There were a couple of notebooks inside.
I checked them, finding the notebook I’d been using to write to guys in. There was just one note from me, and then Dr. Green wrote in it. I’d put it aside for a bit while recovering in the Lee household. Gabriel must have found it.
It was so important to me back then to be able to write everything out. I flipped through it quickly, re-reading the note Dr. Green had left. He, too, mentioned needing to work a few details out.
I turned the page and then brought it to the table. On one of the pages, I started writing in the Korean lettering to keep it secret. I didn’t want Danielle or Marie to be able to read it. I wanted to work on it this afternoon, since we’d be here anyway.
On the page, I wrote out: New Family Rules. I wasn’t sure what else to call it. The Academy had rules, but it seemed like the individual groups had their own rules as well. Relationships were built on agreements.
Rule one was respecting line of sight. I wrote it out, and it sounded odd, but in smaller text below, I put that it meant when possible, I promised to respect the others by not getting too physical in front of the others. What I didn’t write out was what I thought might be okay, things like reaching for a hand, a hug, maybe other small things.
I examined what I’d written. Somehow writing out the concept had me examining the boundaries. What was okay? What wasn’t? This got complicated, depending on the guy. Luke might say everything was okay, and Kota...were hugs too much for him?