I pulled back. “What?”
The edge of his mouth curled up. “I lied to you before.”
My mouth opened in response. Lied?
His hand drifted above my head. I thought he was reaching to pull me into another hug and without thinking, I leaned forward, expectant.
“There was one more thing,” he said, flashing a smile. There was another click as he pressed a button on the wall. Music spilled out around us from unseen speakers.
Mysterious from Yuko Ohigashi.
“I’ll see myself out. Stay. Have fun. Call me. No wait, I’ll call you. I promise,” he said this while rushing to crawl out to my bedroom, opening the door a crack to take a peek out. He turned back to me once, waved and disappeared behind the attic door.
My heart raced. It was the first time I’d been alone in days. The realization settled into me as hard as ice trailing down my spine, and didn’t quite settle.
Yet as the piano music tinkered around me like a music box, my eyes fell again on the faces of Kota, Gabriel, Luke, North, Victor, Silas and Nathan, along with a few of Mr. Blackbourne and Dr. Green in the photographs that surrounded me. The spot beside me was still warm, still smelled like berries and moss. The phone in my bra, over my heart, felt more like a connection. All I had to do was call. They’d promised. I’d promised.
I was never alone.
Hoping and Changing
“Sang Baby, yes, you can,” North urged to me on the phone as I curled up tighter in the bean bag chair. “You’re not going to break it. If you do, I’ll fix it. Touch what you want.”
I’d hardly moved since Victor left a couple of hours ago. I couldn’t stop staring at the photos and when I could finally swallow my heart down from my throat, I called North first to thank him. Only the first thing I’d said was instead of thank you, I admitted I was afraid to touch the things around me.
“I don’t know where to start,” I said.
“You’re in the beanbag chair, aren’t you?” he asked, the hint of teasing in his voice. “You’ve already started.”
That was a good point. I knew I was being stupid but I was being honest. “It’s amazing.”
Pause. “I’m glad you like it.”
“I can’t believe you got them to put stars up,” I said, reaching to flick off the light. The darkness swallowed me up, my senses tingling as the stars started to glow. I recalled the night he came to my window, helping me to escape to join him on the roof as we stared up at the stars together. That, too, felt like a long time ago, even though it’d only been a few weeks. “I can’t believe you told them about...”
“I didn’t tell them why.”
My heart stopped. “What do you mean?”
“I thought we should keep our first date to ourselves.”
I inhaled, catching my breath and nearly jumped to sit up straight. Did he mean it? Was that what it was? A date! I’d been on one and I never knew. “North...”
“I know it wasn’t ideal.”
“It was perfect.” The words slipped from my lips before I had a chance to think of the consequences. I’d meant to be supportive and not let him think I didn’t like it. After I said it, I realized I’d acknowledged it was a date and that I really liked it. The first I was unsure about, the latter... at least I could say I was being honest there.
I’d also flat out lied to Victor. I didn’t know it was a date so maybe it didn’t really count. But if it didn’t count, then wouldn’t that be wrong to admit to North? I pushed the thoughts to the back of my mind. It couldn’t be helped now.
North chuckled on the phone, his deep voice made it seem like the phone rattled in my hand, or perhaps it was my own trembling. “You’re easy to please, but next time maybe we’ll go to the beach instead. I did promise.”
“Are you going to have time?” I asked, deflecting with the hope he wasn’t going to ask me to do it soon. I needed time to think. “I mean with the diner starting and football and school.”
“I think I can spare a few minutes,” he said, his tone inflecting something serious, as intense as I imagined his eyes were.
Did I say the wrong thing? Maybe he thought I was questioning his ability to keep up with it all. “Maybe more than a few minutes?” I asked, trying to be funny.
A longer pause. “I’d come for you now,” he said, causing my heart to race and another deflection tickling my tongue. He continued, “But neither of us slept well last night, and I don’t want you tired at school.”
I swallowed. “I’m sorry.”
“Stop apologizing,” he said. “Your nightmares aren’t your fault.”
“Well they kind of are,” I said, smiling in the dark. “I do dream them.”
He groaned. “Will you shut up and go touch your shit, please?”
“North?”
“What?”
I bit my lip, unsure. “Do you still like me?”
He huffed. “Yes.”
A warmth rippled through me.
“Do you still like me?” he asked.
“Yes.”
“Go play with your stuff. And call me if you have any more nightmares. And when I say call, I don’t mean the next morning. I mean when you have them. And call me about any dream. I don’t care if it’s a nightmare or not.”
“How are either of us going to sleep if I’m calling and waking you up?”
“Sang,” he said, his tone going dark. “If you don’t go touch your things, I’m coming back and I’m going to pilfer through all your pretty stuff and leave dirty fingerprints all over it.”
Now who was deflecting? “Fine.”
When I hung up, I lingered on the chair for only a moment. I wanted to get up to check on my mother. I’d done it a couple of times with the new app on my phone but I didn’t really trust it yet. According to it, she was sleeping. The image was surreal, looking in on her from across the room, from what I thought was from the vent above the short hallway that lead to a couple of closets and a bathroom.
I was also getting a cramp in my back from being curled up, inhaling what I could of Victor’s scent while he was gone. Why was it so addictive? Why did my heart thud so much thinking of the gold chain on my wrist, or the way he looked so happy after I almost-promised to go out on a date with him? What would I say to him next time, knowing North wanted the same thing? How could I tell Kota or any of the others? North wanted to keep the first date a secret, what about the second?
Because of those questions, I’d hesitated calling anyone else. I couldn’t take anyone else asking surprising questions when I hadn’t had time to process everything.
I flicked the light back on and I slipped out of the chair, spilling out onto the carpet in a purposeful fall. I stretched out across the deep blueness, feeling the luxury of the padding and fibers tickling my skin. The carpet was new. The carpet was for me. It was our secret and for that reason, it made it feel too special. Surreal.
I crawled over to the wardrobe, opening it up and gazing in at the clothes. I wondered who organized it. Who folded the underwear into such neat piles? I could only guess that it might have been Gabriel. The underwear matched the hanging shorts and skirts and shirts. As I studied it more, I realized he’d paired up everything for me. He was directing me without being here to tell me.