“It wasn’t like that. ” I met her gaze. “Really. Simon was fine. ”
She eyed me. “You sure?”
“The only thing he did was kiss me, and he asked first. He was fine. I-I froze up. ”
“Ah. ” She settled onto my bed. “First kiss?”
“N-no. Of c-course not. ”
“You know, it’s hard to lie convincingly when you stutter, Chloe. So it was your first kiss. Big deal. My first one was last year, and I made him wait until the third date. I don’t let a guy push me into anything I’m not ready for. They think because I’m popular I must put out. I don’t, and by the end of the first date, they know it. ” She reclined on the bed. “So he kissed you and you froze up, and he thought that meant you weren’t into him. It happens. He should have expected that-everyone knows how jumpy you are. ”
I glared at her.
“Well, it’s true. Just tell him he surprised you, and ask him out. Try again. ”
And what if I didn’t want to try again?
I finished gathering up my stuff. “You’re getting the room to yourself tonight. ”
She sat up. “What?”
“I’m going to sleep in the next one. I just-I’m not really good company. ”
I could see that hurt her feelings. I was getting good at that. At the door I paused. “Thanks. For…everything today. I appreciate it. ”
She nodded and I left.
I should have stayed with Tori.
Being alone meant I had nothing to do except curl up under the covers and cry about how horribly wrong my life had gone, then despise myself for wallowing in self-pity.
I’d screwed up everything. I couldn’t control my powers, even when our future depended on it. No one was talking about freeing Rae and Aunt Lauren and finding the guys’ dad anymore. We’d be lucky if my cemetery summoning didn’t turn us into prisoners.
The only people I could count on were Derek, Simon, and Tori. After they’d all apparently forgiven me for my cemetery screwup, now I’d hurt Simon, pissed off Derek, and rebuffed Tori.
I wanted to go home. If I had real guts, I’d pack my bag and leave before I made things worse. I couldn’t even manage that, though. I hated, hated, hated myself for being so weak. I couldn’t seem to do anything but cry until at last I fell into an exhausted sleep.
A rap on the door woke me. I squinted at the nightstand, looking for the clock, only to remember that I’d changed rooms.
“Chloe? It’s me. ” After a pause, he added, “Derek,” like I could mistake that deep rumble for anyone else, like I could mistake that little part of me that perked up like an eager puppy saying, “It’s him. Quick! Go see what he wants. ”
God, how had I been so blind? It seemed so obvious now.
Sad and pathetic.
Par for the course these days.
I pulled the covers up and closed my eyes.
“Chloe?” The floorboards creaked. “I need to talk to you. ”
I didn’t answer.
Another creak, this time the door itself, and I shot up in bed as he slipped in.
“Hey!” I said. “You can’t-”
“Sorry,” he mumbled. “It’s just…”
He moved into the moonlight. That was no accident. He wanted me to see his eyes burning with fever, his skin flushed, hair sweat soaked. He wanted me to say, “Oh, you’re Changing,” leap out of bed, and insist on going outside with him, help him through it, as I had the last two times.
I looked at him and I lay back down.
He stepped forward. “Chloe…”
“What?”
“It’s…It’s starting again. ”
“I see that. ”
I sat up, swung my legs out of bed, and stood. He breathed a sigh of relief. I walked to the window.
“Head down that path about thirty feet, and you’ll find a clearing to the left. That should be a good place. ”
A spark of panic ignited in his eyes. After how he’d treated me today, I should have said “good. ” But I didn’t. Couldn’t. It took everything I had just to crawl back into bed.
“Chloe…”
“What?”
He scratched his arm. Scratched hard as the skin bubbled, his muscles writhing. He glanced at me, and the look in his eyes was so miserable that I had to clamp my jaw shut against the impulse to say, “Fine, I’ll come with you. ”
“What?” I said instead.
“I-” He swallowed. Licked his lips. Tried again. “I-”
Even asking me to come with him was too much. He’d never had to before.
“I…I need-” He swallowed again. “I want…Will you come with me?”
I lifted my gaze to his. “How can you even ask me that? How many times did you chew me out today? Make me feel like everything’s going wrong and it’s all my fault?”
His eyes widened in genuine surprise. “That’s not what I meant. ” He brushed his sweaty bangs back. “If I hurt you-”
“How could you not hurt me? This morning, after the cemetery, I needed your help. Your advice. All you could do was make me feel worse than I already did, which, believe me, wasn’t easy. Then tonight, with Simon, you acted like that was all my fault, too, even when you could see how upset I was, how bad I felt. ” I took a deep breath. “After the truck stop, after our trip back…I thought we were friends. ”
“We are. ”
“No. ” I met his gaze. “Obviously we’re not. ”
The look on his face, confused and miserable, made me feel awful, which only made me madder. He had no right to come in here and expect help, then make me feel guilty for refusing.
“Chloe, please. ” He rubbed his hand over his throat. The veins and tendons pulsed. Sweat beaded on his forehead. “It’s coming faster this time. ”
“Then you should go. ”
“I c-I ca-” He swallowed hard and looked at me, fever making his eyes so bright they seemed to glow. “Please. ”
It wasn’t the “please” that did it. It was the absolute panic in his eyes. He was terrified of the Change, of not knowing whether he could complete it, if the genetic modification had done something to him and that’s why he kept suffering through this, only to fail before he reached the end.
He’d never actually said that, and maybe I’m a pushover, but I couldn’t send him off to do it alone. So I grabbed my jacket and sneakers.
“Thank y-” he began.
I brushed past him to the door. “Let’s go. ”
Nineteen
WE KEPT TO THE shadows in the yard in case anyone looked out and saw us heading for the forest. Once we reached the path, Derek stayed beside me, sneaking glances my way, giving me that dejected look that only made me madder, because I didn’t want to feel guilty, yet I did.
I wanted to set this aside and get back to normal. But when he looked at me, I had only to think of that other look-the horrified one when I said Simon thought I liked Derek-and that shut down any impulse to make up.