“He’s beautiful,” I say.
“He is. And ours will be too.”
But it won’t be.
“You don’t understand,” I say, and the desperation in my tone finally cuts through. He stops. Listens.
I guess he finally gets it.
I’m sobbing and I can’t stop even as I say it.
“There were complications, at the hospital. The operation that saved my life went wrong. It left scars.”
I close my eyes, just to find the strength to say it aloud.
“I can’t have children, Leo, and I can’t… I can’t be around other people’s children either.”Thirty-FourThe world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places.
Ernest HemingwayPhoenixOh fuck, how I’ve said the wrong fucking thing.
I feel like a fucking idiot as my black swan sobs in front of me. She crumples in my arms as I hold her tight.
I tell her it’s okay, that she can take her time with Cameron. No pressure. No worries.
I tell her she doesn’t need to worry about having kids now, that we’ll sort it out, that there are ways. Options. So many things to consider.
I tell her everything I can think of to walk us both back from this shitty abyss, but I don’t think I reach her.
“Fuck, Leo,” she says. “Look at you, looking after me. Like you haven’t been through more than enough of your own shit.”
“We get stronger at the broken places,” I tell her. “I did and you will too. Everything was in ashes when Mariana died, the business, Jake, Cameron. I knew I had to pick myself back up and keep on moving. We only lost one of the trucks in the fire, the one by the loading bay. The rest were intact. We had no insurance pay-out and our customers lost a fortune in the blaze, but I took those trucks and I set up again. I re-mortgaged the house and worked my ass off, even though it hurt, and slowly. Slowly.”
Her fingers are so soft against my cheek. “You’re amazing,” she says. “Truly. Cameron’s lucky to have you.”
“You’ll be okay,” I tell her. “You’ll be strong at the broken places just like I am.”
“I hope so,” she whispers.
And she will be. I know she will be.
I’ve seen the sparkle in her eyes, the fire in her belly. I’ve seen her work a crowd like she owns it. Owns me.
I squeeze her fingers tight in mine. “When I met you I was still running. Soulless. Her ghost was everywhere, and now it’s not. I didn’t even use my own name, couldn’t face the man I’d been before.”
She stares right at me. “Phoenix,” she says.
I smile. “Something like that.”
“It was your username online. Phoenix burning.”
I nod. “And I was still burning, until I met you.”
She takes a breath. “We’ll take it slow?”
“As slow as you like, as long as we’re moving.”
“And what about the kids? What if I can never…”
“We’ll worry about that when it comes up.”
I hold my breath.
I’m so fucking relieved when she smiles.
Her voice evens out when she speaks again. “I ran here and found nothing. You brought me back to life, and I found everything. I love my life here. I love it all.”
And I love you.
I don’t say it. Not now.
I’m well aware that dawn is shining through the curtains. Well aware that Cam will be waking up for his breakfast in an hour or so back at home.
“I need to go,” I tell her.
She nods. “You have a little boy to get back for.”
I kiss her forehead. “I don’t want to leave you.”
“I can’t come with you,” she says. “Not yet, anyway. He doesn’t even know who I am.”
And she’s right.
I know she’s right.
“I’m not gonna say anything stupid, Abigail. Now isn’t the time for grandiose declarations or mushy words, but I will tell you that monsters stay on your tail, always.”
She laughs. “Is that a threat?”
I smirk. “It’s a promise.” I get to my feet and pull her with me. “Maybe I’ll knock at the front door next time.”
“Maybe you should bring chocolate.” She wipes her eyes. “I’m clearly a hormonal wreck who needs it.”
“Or a beautiful woman who lost something very dear to her.”
Her eyes well up again. “Thanks. I’m grateful you can call me beautiful when I’ve been a snot monster for the past half hour. It must be the real deal.”
She’s joking, but I’m not.
I get dressed, even though it pains me. I’d give anything to fall asleep with her in my arms.
Maybe one day soon.
I take a look back up at her window as I leave. I watch the lights go out.
It’s dawn as I cross the road to my truck. I barely even think to check my jacket pocket for my phone, but when I do it’s there and flashing.
Five missed calls.
Serena.
Shit.
I call her back but there’s no answer. I call the landline and she doesn’t pick up.